Exhausted is an Understatement

I am emotionally and physically exhausted. This past month has been hard. Between starting injections, fighting off a relapse (or whatever this is), trying to manage pain, working through anxiety issues, death in the family and the political unrest and instability that our sentient Cheeto of a president is encouraging… let’s just say it has been a rough month or so.

I wasn’t going to write a post today because I was feeling so down. I had a bad injection this morning that caused some swelling and much more discomfort than usual.

Swelling from injection 😦

Mom, don’t worry, I sent a pic to my doctor and he said it was most likely just not injected deep enough! But if it happens again we may need to rethink Glartiramer Acetate…I feel like when I have a bad injection day it just kind of starts my day off shitty.

I’m not a betting gal, but I would put money down that anyone who has to stab themselves and inject a foreign substance into their body for their immune system to attack would probably describe the experience using a similar vernacular.

I’ve been extremely fatigued this past week or so. I didn’t think my fatigue could increase more from where it was at, but my body never ceases to prove me wrong. I feel down about myself because I have been so weak, and so tired. I have a pretty strong sense of self, but I can’t help but feel bad about myself when all I can do is sleep 15 hours a day and still need at least one nap to keep me going for the few hours I am awake.

It’s frustrating to watch my life pass by and to be too tired, or sick, or anxious to be able to actively participate in it.

I didn’t want to write this post because I try to be positive and I knew I didn’t have much positivity in me today. But then I talked to my therapist and she reminded me that this is my truth. People need to know that not every day is full of positivity and success and joy. Some days are hard. Some days you cry. Some days you hurt. And that is ok. That is human.

I know I am a strong woman. I wouldn’t be able to fight this fight if I wasn’t, but that doesn’t mean that I am not allowed to have my weak moments. No matter how strong we are, we all have days that knock us to our knees. What matters most is that we get back up again. It’s ok if we stay down on our knees for a little while, it’s ok to be sad and frustrated sometimes. I know that things will get better.

I hope that wherever you are on your journey today that you are able to find strength and remember that even at the end of the longest and darkest of nights the sun will always rise in the morning.

-A

Birthday Weekend: Day 1

First things first, today marks the completion of my first week of Glatiramer Acetate injections. It was also a rough injection day. Maybe I wasn’t paying as much attention to what I was doing because ‘hey, this is my third time doing this in five days. I’m an old pro at this right?’ No, I am not.

I injected into my upper thigh today, as was planned in my “injection rotation planner”, but I must have had the depth setting too high because I ended up injecting into my muscle. Glatiramer Acetate is meant to be injected into the fatty layer before the muscle, and let me tell you, there is a reason why! It hurt like a mother trucker.

It didn’t help that I could not, for the life of me, find my heating pad this morning. My brain fog has me getting seriously forgetful over the past month or so. The other week I put ice cream in the fridge and didn’t know until I looked for it the next day only to discover that my ridiculously overpriced $4.99 gluten free, dairy free, soy free, nut free “ice cream” was now a lumpy sludge in the fridge. Shame. But this thing is LOST. My husband and I spent a good half hour scouring every corner (and yes, I looked in the fridge) for the hot pack and is nowhere to be found. And I literally used it two days ago!  I’m sure I’ll find it in some random place eventually

…unless it was stolen…I am looking at you Sparrow Mom.

Luckily, my husband was there to carry me to the couch and help me apply pressure and ice on my leg until the pain subsided enough for me to be able to crack a smile at some silly joke he was saying to try to distract me. And it worked, with his comfort, terrible jokes, and instant and caring reactions we got through my first injection stumble. I’m a lucky wife.

In other news, turn 25 on Sunday! I am so excited for this weekend. I have always loved birthdays. I love looking back at the past year and seeing how I have grown, how my life has changed, and the lessons I have learned. I love looking forward and the excitement and wonder of what another year will hold. Birthdays just make me happy. They celebrate life and all that comes with it!

My life has changed A LOT in this past year, and I can already tell that this weekend will not just be a regular birthday. This year I feel like I am feeling everything a little bit more. More love, more joy, more nostalgia, more gratitude for what I have; an amazing family and friends, my husband and even the medicine that I have access to that is giving me a chance at my new “normal”. My heart is dancing with all of the good vibes I am feeling today.

To start out my birthday weekend I would like to share some things I am thankful for in this past year.

• I am thankful that my husband and I found a perfect neighborhood and home to establish our roots in.
• I am thankful that even in the darkest times, just after my initial diagnosis, I learned an extremely powerful lesson. That no matter how much darkness is thrown at you the light of love will always shine through brighter.
• I am thankful that the man of my dreams finally asked me to marry him 😉
• I am thankful that I have been able to focus so much of my recent time and energy on getting healthier both physically and mentally.
• I am thankful for the immense amount of support and love my family and friends, and even strangers, have shown me since my diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. Every single person who has reached out, prayed, walked in this years Walk MS: Twin Cities with “Dumbledore’s Army”, donated, sent good vibes or shared my story and MS awareness with others. I am thankful for you!

 

-A