Link between childhood trauma and autoimmune diseases?

I have been thinking a lot lately about the link between childhood trauma and stress related disorders (post traumatic stress disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, etc) and Multiple Sclerosis.

According to numerous studies throughout the years there is significant evidence that persons who experienced childhood trauma or prolonged stress and anxiety as a child were at a remarkably higher risk for autoimmune disease. These studies are ongoing and are still working out exactly how and why this happens in the body.

Those of you who have read my story you will know that I was abused as a teen by an older man who I met through community theater. Luckily, my family fought tooth and nail for years to keep me from completely slipping away into the clutches of this monster, and eventually it paid off. I was able to make the decision to end my “relationship” with him and remove him from my life.

But those years left scars on me emotionally. I was always an anxious child and started treatment for my anxiety and depression at a young age (around 15 or 16). But after the mistreatment and trauma caused by this man my anxiety only got worse.

A few years ago I stared experiencing flashbacks, nightmares, severe levels of anxiety, panic attacks and other unpleasant symptoms. I started seeing a psychiatrist and going to regular therapy. Through this I was diagnosed with PTSD. It was only about three years later that I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.

It is somewhat amazing to think about what a powerful impact stress and trauma can have on the body, even years later. Not just emotionally, but manifesting itself into physical illnesses, and in some cases, autoimmune diseases.

When I first discovered this information I was MAD. I was mad at the man who abused me for all of those years. He took so many things from me. My childhood, my innocence, my trust, my confidence and independence and so much more. But now, to learn that years later my health is now leaving me too and it could be linked to the trauma he caused me…

But the longer I have sat with this information the more my anger has slowly ebbed away. By no means do I forgive what that man did to me. It is unforgivable and to quote my girl Kesha;

Some things only god can forgive.” – Praying, Kesha

However, I do not harbor as much anger and resentment towards him as I once did. The struggles and the pain that I endured because of him shaped me into the woman who I am today. I learned to be strong and to shape my own opinions, I learned to be true to myself because I am enough, I learned the importance and the constant love of my family, I learned that I will never let anyone control me or push me around ever again.

They were hard lessons and took me years to finally start addressing, but now that I have I have found a peace that can only be described as liberating.

I do not want to live with hate in my life. I do not want to live in the past. I do not want to live resenting someone for their crimes against me. I have a good life. Even with PTSD, Anxiety, and Multiple Sclerosis I would say I have it pretty damn good.

I have a husband who not only loves, cares, and understands me…he is my best friend too. I have a family that is my rock, always there to support me and to lean on. I have a wonderful dog who keeps me on my toes and makes me laugh every day. I have a beautiful home with my own little garden and plants and I get to share it with Sparrow Mom and her family too!

(Brief update on Sparrow Mom. I know ya’ll care A LOT. Since she moved out, her three babes have made the great leap of life and taken wing. I could not be more proud of them. Bravo little birds, bravo. The nest is currently unoccupied, despite my daily real-estate efforts. Not to mention the multiple phone calls and coffee dates I had with a robin that seemed very interested…ANYWAYS I have a new friend in my backyard oasis and his name is Mr. Toad. More on him later.)

So I take this newfound information regarding my past (and how it could still be affecting my body in the present) and I am choosing to look at it not as painful reminder of things that once were, but as a positive sign for the future.

This research means that we are making progress in understanding these very mysterious diseases. And understanding is the first step towards finding a cure or a way to prevent them!

It is also a reminder of how impactful stress can be. We know that stress can trigger a relapse with Multiple Sclerosis. So now, more than ever, it is so very important for me to practice mindfulness, tackle my problems one day at a time, and take time to breathe and just relax!

No matter where you are in your life I encourage you to take a moment today to think of a few things you are grateful for, take a couple of minutes to just let yourself relax and enjoy those things, and take a few calming deep breaths. It’s a good day to let go of a little stress!

-A

 

Moments of Silence

Moments of silence, moments of peace

I live for them as they recharge

My internal battery that always seems to be running on empty

Another thing I can chalk up to my disease.

 

Life can seem so hectic, even when you’re standing still

The moments become memories right before your eyes

It doesn’t matter if you’re moving too

Even if you cannot move the world certainly will.

 

My hands smell like a hospital or a clinic room at best

Sterile and clean in a way that bites my nose

And there are bruises on my arms

And the rest of me is waiting for the results of all those tests.

 

“Please make a fist, now I’ll just find a real good vein”

I’m a pro at this, I think, I’ve done it a thousand times

But I still look away from the needle, and don’t look right at the blood

It seems the only thing I’m really used to is the pain.

 

The blood is gone, the tests are done, and the pee is in a cup

Now I wait here wondering if I’ll get a phone call like before

One that changes life forever, or shocks me through and through

One that makes my blood run cold or tells me time is up.

 

But as I sit here on the deck, my dog sleeping on my feet

The sun shines down on both of us warming up our souls

I smile and enjoy this moment, and appreciate my life

Because these bruises are my armor against any fate I meet.

 

All the pain in life has lessons, if you look just close enough

All your suffering will make you brave and strong

So, do not let your heart grow heavy, and never think that you are weak

For the times that were so hard on you have made you really tough.

 

A day in my body, one that is tired and autoimmune, will teach you many things

It will teach you to stand strong, when the foulest winds will blow

It will teach that you have courage that you never knew before

It will teach you to see the joy and the beauty that life will bring

And most of all it will teach that you can fight

and you can get through anything.

-A

Gratitude

Today started out as a very frustrating day. I spent hours on the phone with different pharmacists, nurses and representatives of the MS helpline trying to get my first at home nurse visit set up, where I will learn to give myself my injections of Glatiramer acetate  (the generic form of Copaxone).

There were many questions, warnings, and instructions that each person had to go over with me. By my fourth or fifth phone call of the day I was starting to get annoyed at the information I was hearing over and over again. I know that all of these people wanted to help me, and were just trying to make sure I understood my medications but I just wanted to tell them “Listen, I am completely aware of all of the risks and side effects of this drug. I went over them with my doctor extensively. Also, you don’t have to tell me that it is not a cure. I’m aware of that. What I don’t know is how to give myself a shot, and you can’t teach me over the phone so let’s get to the part where we schedule the training.”

But instead I sat there and listened to each of them repeat the same information. The same words smashing around on the inside of my brain. Scarring. Injection. Needle. Risks. Pain. Insurance. Not a cure. Syringe. Scarring. Injection. Needle. Risks. Pain. Insurance. Not a Cure.

I finally ended my last call of the day two minutes before I walked into my therapist’s office for our weekly appointment. At that point I think I was really needing that appointment. I just needed to vent.

I was feeling frustrated. I couldn’t help but feel more and more like a name on a list of “people with MS” each time another bored sounding employee from the drug company would call me up and talk to me in the same monotone voice about the drug I was about to start, and the risks, and the things to watch out for…

I was completely consumed in my anxiety, frustration, and the loneliness I felt at that moment. Not a single person (with the exception of my neurologists assistant) that I had talked to on the phone had sounded like they cared. They just sounded like they were bored and reading off a script the drug company had given them. It all felt so cold.

I was letting the negative energy I was feeling take control of my mood and thus, how my day was going.

After talking with my therapist I started to realize this and shift back into a more positive energy and we ended up talking about the power of the intention behind our thoughts.

Dr. Masaru Emoto was a Japanese researcher and author who theorized that the human consciousness could have an effect on water crystals. He tested this by taking a drop of water from a constant water source and placing it on a single sheet of paper (also from a consistent source). He would then very intentionally focus all of his consciousness on either a positive or negative statement spoken (and in another test, written) to the water on the paper. He would then place the papers in the freezer and examine them the next day under a microscope. The results are incredible!

The water droplets that had a positive statement spoken to them were formed in intricate and beautiful patterns, just like a snowflake. The droplets that had a negative statement spoken to them were deformed and discolored. He also tested his theory by exposing the droplets to different music, prayers, and names of people in history. There are some youtube videos out there if you google his name where you can see most/all of the actual photos! It’s really amazing how powerful our thoughts and intentions really are. Below are some of the photographs taken by Dr. Masaru Emoto during is experiment.

I really love the beauty in the positivity!

 

It kind of reset my perspective for the day. I decided to stop focusing so much on the negative aspects of my day and instead to concentrate all of my energy on the positive things. My mood has already shifted positively and I am so grateful for the lesson that I learned today and my therapist for helping me discover it.

I know it’s not always easy to find a therapist you really connect with, but it is worth the wait and the search. Don’t give up on your mental health and be kind to yourself!

I challenge you all today to think of five things you are grateful for and send that positivity out into the universe. Lord know’s we could use it 😉

I am grateful for the sun.

I am grateful for a husband who supports me emotionally and financially in these hard times.

I am grateful for my dog, sleeping with his head on my foot.

I am grateful that Sparrow Mom decided to build her nest where I can watch her babies grow.

I am grateful for words and language and our ability to express and connect with people though them.

-A

The Tides of Life

The Future is a silly thing

She dances in and out of view

Once you think you know   what she’s to bring

She’ll leap and switch it up on you.

 

Her very best friend, I speak of Fate,

Is strange and wise and full of truth

Though many minds obsess   and fixate

He’ll only reveal himself    in time to you.

 

No use in trying to change Destiny’s mind

For she cares not for mortal whims

And any man who tries will find

That when chasing the future

You leave the present behind.

 

The simple moments we discard too soon

The memories we forgot to store away

Someday I’ll search the corners of my mind, where you lay strewn,

And find a special place    where you can always stay.

 

For in the darkest night we find

That though the uncertain dance of Future, Fate and Destiny confuse

Our hardest times help to define

The truest path for us to choose.

 

Just put your faith in those above

And trust our angels to watch down

And guide us to live lives full of love

For those who we remember are never gone.

 

And when the tides of life are rough

I’ll stand ashore, right next to you

And slip my hand though yours,     you say “that it’s enough,

The tides have got to change for us”

 

The tides will change, they always do

The sun will surely shine again

And when it does I’ll still be here

Standing with you, until the very end.

 

-A

 

The brain is quite amazing…

So my brain feels a bit all over the place today so please pardon if this post seems a little scattered.

This morning I had my appointment with my Neurologist. My husband and I knew that we were going in at this point to discuss treatment options, as my recent MRI had given definitive proof of Relapsing Remitting Multiple Sclerosis. No more CIS for this gal! So we did our research.

Anyone who know’s my husband knows that when he starts a project or gets his mind set on something there isn’t a thing in this world that could stop him. So, he went into research overdrive and scoured, I am fairly certain, every nook and cranny of the National Multiple Sclerosis Society’s database for every FDA approved treatment option out there. Then cross referenced it with whether or not they interacted with my current medications, whether they were ruled out because I was exposed to JC Virus (some MS medications can cause brain disease if you have been previously exposed to this virus), and researched the side affects, effectiveness, and risks of each one. He’s amazing. I hope that every person with a chronic illness is as lucky as I am to have the amazing support and love that I do.

We knew we were going into this with a few major concerns. I wanted a drug that was low risk for birth defects as my husband and I start our married lives together we know that someday (a serious someday people) we want to have kids. So, I didn’t want anything that could cause permanent damage to that whole scenario. I also felt pretty strongly that I wanted the benefits to heavily outweigh the risks. I know that these “safer” treatment options are sometimes less effective, but I don’t want anything that is going to make me more sick that I already am. I don’t know if that’s even a realistic thing, or if it makes sense. But Copaxone seemed like the closest fit for me.

I am nervous to start the treatment, but luckily this drug doesn’t have too many side effects. I just have to get used to injecting myself. But that will come with time. I’m not super afraid of the pain, I can handle that (I have a full side tattoo, so I would hope so at least). So that is where my MS journey is at right now.

I’ve been thinking a lot about mindfulness lately and living in the present moment, really connecting to it. I did a great guided meditation last night before bed and something that the instructor spoke about that really stuck with me was how small a part we are in such a HUGE universe of being. It reminded that all of us are connected. We are connected to the people and energy in our homes, neighborhood, city, state or province, country, continent, the world, the universe, the cosmos. The magnitude of it is almost incomprehensible to the human mind. All of these things are existing and working in perfect harmony to keep us alive and our ecosystem thriving.

When I saw my images from my MRI today I couldn’t help but think of that meditation. Even inside our bodies is this crazy complex system that all works in harmony to keep us alive. And even though the neurologist was showing me the parts of my body that were sick, I could also see all the parts that were strong and working and beautiful. Seriously, if you’ve ever seen an image of the inside of your own body from pelvis to the top of the head you would think it was beautiful too! It just reminded me that although I may be sick, my body and mind are still strong in many other ways. Even though part of my body get’s confused and attacks itself, a bigger part of it works in a cohesive way together… in harmony, every moment of the day to keep me alive. It made me feel grateful towards my body for the first time in a while.

She’s amazing 😉

P.S. Special shout out, again, to the sparrow mom who is now glaring at me from inside my basket of African Daisy’s. Like..I’m sorry you chose to build your nest in my happy place. We gonna hafta share, girl.

-A

The waiting game.

Multiple Sclerosis has already taught me a few things. Things like:

It’s OK to be tired and need to take a rest. No shame in napping!

It’s OK not to be able to do the things I used to do (like have the full-time job that I loved, even though I might have complained about it while I was working, I never realized how much I would miss my company, work and coworkers until I had to leave)

When I need to go to the bathroom I need to go NOW (come on, I have to be able to laugh about this one, right?)

But a big thing I am learning from MS is to be patient and to live in the present rather than worrying about the future. This is something I am still learning, and expect I will continue to learn through the rest of my life. Mindfulness and being present in the now is something I have worked on in the past with meditation but it has never been more relevant or necessary in my life. With this disease there is no way to predict the future. There are no two patients with MS that have the exact same symptoms. It all depends on where the lesions develop in the brain and spinal cord, what stage of the disease you are at, how your body reacts the treatments and medications. There are SO many things we don’t know about this disease (let alone why/how people even get it).

So I am learning…(let’s be honest, mostly struggling) with just letting go of the “what if’s”. You can’t spend your whole life worrying about the “what if’s” especially if you have a disease as unpredictable as MS. This is a really hard thing for me because anxiety LOVES “what if’s”! What if I progress fast? What if I lose my sight? What if I can’t be the mom I want to be in the future? What if? What if? What if? What if? Sometimes I just need to take a step back – look my anxiety straight in her bossy little face and say “Shut.Up!”.

This is my life and I am learning that I get to control it my anxiety DOES NOT.

So, as I sit here on the deck in the probably too cold to be outside but I am doing it anyways because… Minnesota, weather and write this blog I am actively telling my anxiety to be quiet and to just enjoy this moment. I had an MRI yesterday and will have to wait until Monday morning to meet with my Neurologist and get the results and that is all my brain wants to think of. But what is the point in worrying about something that is going to be the same no matter how much thought I put into it this weekend? Me worrying all weekend is not going to magically make the lesions disappear or my symptoms go away! So as my therapist always says “Why suffer twice?” anxiety makes you suffer before you’re actually in the situation you are worrying about.

So I am making a choice today. I will not worry all weekend about the results of my MRI. What will come will come and I will be strong either way!

So for now, I am going to sit outside and listen to the birds, get some much-needed rest after yesterday’s uber stressful day and be grateful for the now.

-A

P.S. Even though I am not a huge fan of Cesar Millan’s dog training techniques I do love this quote from him:

“Dogs live in the moment. They don’t regret the past or worry about the future. If we can learn to appreciate and focus on what’s happening in the here and now, we’ll experience a richness of living that other members of the animal kingdom enjoy.” – Cesar Millan