The Wave

It feels a thousand years ago

I started on this daunting path

With shaking hands and wild eyes,

Still picking up the broken pieces of the aftermath.

 

What had felt like an impossible feat

Has already begun to come to pass

And the healing that seemed so far away 

Came like a wave crashing over me so fast.

 

Once I accepted where I was 

And stopped trying to control the entire game

I found that were I was, was enough 

And my life was waiting there for me to come reclaim.

 

The part of me that’s hurt is still there

It just doesn’t sting so bad.

I’ve learned to trust myself again,

A self-love I’ve never had. 

 

The fear still creeps up on me

every now and then,

It’s breath hot and sticky

breathing down upon my neck 

 

But instead of curling up to hide 

I look that fear right in the eye, 

And tell it to back right off

Because I get to decide.

 

What is scary, what is dangerous,

What’s worth the adventure and the risk.

That anything life throws at me 

Together my heart and mind can fix.

 

It’s a very scary war to wage,

The one inside your head.

It takes a special kind of brave to speak of your demons

To utter words that long have gone unsaid.

 

Anxiety, OCD, Depression

and so much more.

Just the tip of an iceberg of issues

That the world’s learned to ignore.

 

It’s time we change the stigma, shed a little light.

Mental illness does not make you weak.

It makes you very strong.

And it takes a very brave soul

to ask for help when things go wrong.

 

 

So, the woman who feels hopeless,

Or the man who feels so lost but is afraid to say

Are nothing short of warriors

Donning armor and walking into battle every day.

 

 

So, when you feel the weight crushing down upon your chest,

Remember both the bad and good are but fleeting states at best.

You will learn to cherish every emotion your heart has had and each lesson that life gave,

Once you take a risk to swim and learn to love to ride the wave.

Fall is Here

The air is cold, it bites my skin.

And the trees have shed their leaves again.

The colors have changed from greens to reds and browns.

And my footsteps crunch on the frozen ground.

 

Children wait at bus stops, bundled up from head to toe.

The thermostat was switched from ‘air’ to ‘heat’ not that long ago.

My breath turns to an icy cloud in front of my eyes.

And not even the dog wants to go outside.

 

In the evening, the smell of campfire smoke fills the autumn air.

And summer blooms are covered, or brought safely inside with care.

The windows stay shut tight, to keep the cold away.

And the once blue skies settle into a chilly hue of grey.

 

Inside houses start to smell like spices, sweets, and cheer.

As families travel to each other, to hold their loved ones near.

And though outside, the warmth quickly disappears,

Inside our hearts are toasty warm, because fall is finally here!

 

 

 

A Poem for the Insomniacs

The pink and gold are streaming through the window.

The sun is sinking, melting slowly across the sky

Telling us the day is almost over, almost time to say ‘goodnight’.

 

I’ve been looking forward to my bed, so comfy and so warm,

Looking forward to the moment when I’ll pull the covers to my chin

And my journey off to dreamland surely will begin.

 

My head rests, it’s so comfy with my pillows and my dog snoring on the floor

The lights are out, and we have the temperature just right

I just know I’m going to get some damn good sleep tonight!

 

The seconds turn to minutes and then an hour has gone by

My eyes are drooping heavy, but my mind seems wide awake

I am tossing I am turning…I am thinking that last coffee was a mistake.

 

Insomnia, my old friend! How I love thee so!

I’ve tried everything to combat these tired and sleepless nights

I’ve taken my warm shower, meditated and turned out all the lights.

 

I have listened to a bedtime tale, and counted wooly sheep

I have stretched my legs and gotten up and gone on back to bed

I have even taken meds, but my brain chose “wide awake” instead.

 

It’s not that I’m not exhausted, because I truly am.

My limbs are tied to bowling balls and my eyelids feel like lead

But no matter what I do I’m restless, tossing and turning in this bed.

 

The moon stares through the window, telling me to close my eyes

The silence seems to roar, I should not be awake right now

The clock is mocking me, daring me to fall asleep somehow

 

We are a brotherhood of dream chasers, hunters of the ZZZ’s

We are united in our midnight thoughts and the sleepless fight,

Bonded by the early mornings bled from the late nights

 

We are nap takers, and coffee drinkers, we are the sleepless warriors

We have dark circles under our eyes and you may catch us in a yawn or two

We are the night owls, the sleepless zombies. Look around, we are all around you!

 

-A

 

MS Strong

I’ll remember that phone call most likely all my life.

The one that stabbed into my heart and stuck there like a knife.

I woke up with no feeling in those fingers and my toes,

With no idea what havoc those small symptoms could expose.

 

You see them in the movies, or hear about them in a song,

Those moments when your ‘normal’ ends and the seconds just drag on.

No one can prepare you for that moment, for that day

When you find out that you’re sick, and it will never go away.

 

I first react in fear and panic, in shock and disbelief

Numbly listening to the doctor, my hands shake, why can’t I breathe?

It’s “indicative of MS”, “ok”, “do you know what that means?”

“No, not really.” My voice shakes, my heart is racing, please help me.

 

Multiple Sclerosis is what the doctor then explained.

All I heard was that it was in my spine and also in my brain.

Something in my body wasn’t right, was really wrong.

It’s funny but looking back, it had been that way so long

 

I held myself together, saying “everything’s alright”,

Until I broke down in the shower later on that night.

My husband sat beside me, as we cried there on the floor,

Knowing that from here on out it’d be so different from before.

 

We were right, and things have changed a lot in half a year.

MS has put some things on hold, like having a career.

It’s hard to work when you cannot stay awake

And the slightest change in weather makes your whole body start to ache.

 

But It hasn’t all been bad, these lessons that I’ve learned.

I’m proud of all my bruises and battle scars I’ve earned.

I’ve grown, and I am learning to live in the moment every day,

To connect to life around me, and let my heart show me the way.

 

I married my best friend on a cold night in late November

A night of love and family that we always will remember.

Those around us showed support and an avalanche of love.

Love is something this disease can never get rid of.

 

I faced some of my hardest nights, have felt so vulnerable, so scared,

But I learned that when you learn to ask, someone always will be there.

Some days I feel my weakest, and some days I feel so strong.

Some days the world feels right and some days everything goes wrong.

 

I will continue on this journey, I will continue on his fight.

I will use the gifts I’m given to spread awareness and shine light.

We’ll find a cure and I’ll keep singing my fight song.

Do you feel as good as I do now?

Because this is MS Strong.

The Tides of Life

The Future is a silly thing

She dances in and out of view

Once you think you know   what she’s to bring

She’ll leap and switch it up on you.

 

Her very best friend, I speak of Fate,

Is strange and wise and full of truth

Though many minds obsess   and fixate

He’ll only reveal himself    in time to you.

 

No use in trying to change Destiny’s mind

For she cares not for mortal whims

And any man who tries will find

That when chasing the future

You leave the present behind.

 

The simple moments we discard too soon

The memories we forgot to store away

Someday I’ll search the corners of my mind, where you lay strewn,

And find a special place    where you can always stay.

 

For in the darkest night we find

That though the uncertain dance of Future, Fate and Destiny confuse

Our hardest times help to define

The truest path for us to choose.

 

Just put your faith in those above

And trust our angels to watch down

And guide us to live lives full of love

For those who we remember are never gone.

 

And when the tides of life are rough

I’ll stand ashore, right next to you

And slip my hand though yours,     you say “that it’s enough,

The tides have got to change for us”

 

The tides will change, they always do

The sun will surely shine again

And when it does I’ll still be here

Standing with you, until the very end.

 

-A