I Am From

I am from

Bedtime stories, lilac bushes, the smell of cakes baking. From living room plays and my little brother’s laugh.

I am from

The smell of horses on my clothes and the thrill of spying on my older sister. From anxiety pills, singing in the bathroom mirror and dreams of being a Broadway star.

I am from

Reading books until my eyes would hurt and growing up too fast. From late night phone calls, crying myself to sleep, and from losing myself to a monster hidden inside a man’s body.

I am from

Daydreams and parents that fought for me and never gave up. From the rush of freedom when you tell someone toxic ‘goodbye’. From therapy, from growing pains, from surviving.

I am from

The windy streets of Chicago, staying up late drinking wine on the deck and flipping off taxis that almost run me over.

I am from

Butterflies on the first day of college, from counting my last quarters to pay for the train. From Dunkin’ Donuts coffee and a cigarette before work.

I am from

The smell of an empty stage on the first day of rehearsal, dogs barking and dive bars. From the feel of leash in my hand and garage cover bands.

I am from

Packing up my belongings in the back of a truck and admitting when I need help. From the biting cold of Minnesota winters and the scorching sun of the summer.

I am from

Sweeping up hair in a high-end salon. From the night that I met him and fell in love. From finding each other and learning to trust again after all of life’s pain.

I am from

The new puppy crying in the middle of the night, the smell of bacon on Saturday morning and picking up dog poop. From floppy ears, wet kisses and going for walks.

I am from

Two apartments, one townhouse, then our home. From a diamond ring inside a Christmas ornament. From a night in November and an exchanging of vows.

I am from

A phone call that changed my life, fatigue, pain, and MRI’s. From Panic attacks, steroid infusion therapy, IV’s and the kind words of nurses.

I am from

PTSD, headaches and lesions in my spine. From being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. From getting back up when life knocks me down and learning each day.

I am from

Lesions in my brain, syringes, the clean smell of a hospital that makes your nose wrinkle. From injecting myself with disease modifying drugs and the painful hold of the MS hug.

I am from

The compassion of others, from faith in myself. From laughing so hard that we both end up crying, from flashbacks, kisses goodnight and wishes for sweet dreams every night.

I am from

Positive thinking, energy, vivid dreams and poems. From strength in the face of my greatest fears. From soft blankets, dog snuggles, and songs stuck in my head.

From determination,  finding a cure, walking for awareness and the power of love.

From becoming a woman I can be proud of.

A Father Is…

To a daughter a father is a very extraordinary man

From the first smile that they exchange, and until the very last

He will always be her support, he will always have her back

 

My father has many lessons to bestow upon his kids

He taught us to ride a bike and to try to hit a ball

He taught us to be good sports, and to get up when we fall

 

He taught my sister to be silly and be true to who she is

He taught my brother to be kind and to hold a baseball glove

And he taught his youngest daughter the power of unconditional love

 

I remember funny moments, like our morning drives to school

Like our trip to San Francisco, so much laughter in our past

It’s those memories that are so strong, that comfort and will last

 

We’ve had our times that tested, waters cruel and storms so rough

But even in those darkest times you taught your patience and your love

And that to stay afloat sometimes you need to look for guidance from above

 

My father is a man of courage, love and faith

He packed up the truck and stood there by my side when I moved two states away

And when I wanted to give up on my dreams he encouraged me to stay

 

He is a joker a couch napper and a protector of his house

He is a leader in his work, a loving husband to his wife

He leaves glow of happiness in the hearts of all those in his life

 

Coach, Husband, Boss, Son, Brother, Uncle, Friend and many more

My father wears many hats, a stack of them so tall

But I think the one that says on it – “Dad” – Is my favorite of all.

 

 

I love you, Daddy!

Love,

Your baby girl

Moments of Silence

Moments of silence, moments of peace

I live for them as they recharge

My internal battery that always seems to be running on empty

Another thing I can chalk up to my disease.

 

Life can seem so hectic, even when you’re standing still

The moments become memories right before your eyes

It doesn’t matter if you’re moving too

Even if you cannot move the world certainly will.

 

My hands smell like a hospital or a clinic room at best

Sterile and clean in a way that bites my nose

And there are bruises on my arms

And the rest of me is waiting for the results of all those tests.

 

“Please make a fist, now I’ll just find a real good vein”

I’m a pro at this, I think, I’ve done it a thousand times

But I still look away from the needle, and don’t look right at the blood

It seems the only thing I’m really used to is the pain.

 

The blood is gone, the tests are done, and the pee is in a cup

Now I wait here wondering if I’ll get a phone call like before

One that changes life forever, or shocks me through and through

One that makes my blood run cold or tells me time is up.

 

But as I sit here on the deck, my dog sleeping on my feet

The sun shines down on both of us warming up our souls

I smile and enjoy this moment, and appreciate my life

Because these bruises are my armor against any fate I meet.

 

All the pain in life has lessons, if you look just close enough

All your suffering will make you brave and strong

So, do not let your heart grow heavy, and never think that you are weak

For the times that were so hard on you have made you really tough.

 

A day in my body, one that is tired and autoimmune, will teach you many things

It will teach you to stand strong, when the foulest winds will blow

It will teach that you have courage that you never knew before

It will teach you to see the joy and the beauty that life will bring

And most of all it will teach that you can fight

and you can get through anything.

-A

MS Strong

I’ll remember that phone call most likely all my life.

The one that stabbed into my heart and stuck there like a knife.

I woke up with no feeling in those fingers and my toes,

With no idea what havoc those small symptoms could expose.

 

You see them in the movies, or hear about them in a song,

Those moments when your ‘normal’ ends and the seconds just drag on.

No one can prepare you for that moment, for that day

When you find out that you’re sick, and it will never go away.

 

I first react in fear and panic, in shock and disbelief

Numbly listening to the doctor, my hands shake, why can’t I breathe?

It’s “indicative of MS”, “ok”, “do you know what that means?”

“No, not really.” My voice shakes, my heart is racing, please help me.

 

Multiple Sclerosis is what the doctor then explained.

All I heard was that it was in my spine and also in my brain.

Something in my body wasn’t right, was really wrong.

It’s funny but looking back, it had been that way so long

 

I held myself together, saying “everything’s alright”,

Until I broke down in the shower later on that night.

My husband sat beside me, as we cried there on the floor,

Knowing that from here on out it’d be so different from before.

 

We were right, and things have changed a lot in half a year.

MS has put some things on hold, like having a career.

It’s hard to work when you cannot stay awake

And the slightest change in weather makes your whole body start to ache.

 

But It hasn’t all been bad, these lessons that I’ve learned.

I’m proud of all my bruises and battle scars I’ve earned.

I’ve grown, and I am learning to live in the moment every day,

To connect to life around me, and let my heart show me the way.

 

I married my best friend on a cold night in late November

A night of love and family that we always will remember.

Those around us showed support and an avalanche of love.

Love is something this disease can never get rid of.

 

I faced some of my hardest nights, have felt so vulnerable, so scared,

But I learned that when you learn to ask, someone always will be there.

Some days I feel my weakest, and some days I feel so strong.

Some days the world feels right and some days everything goes wrong.

 

I will continue on this journey, I will continue on his fight.

I will use the gifts I’m given to spread awareness and shine light.

We’ll find a cure and I’ll keep singing my fight song.

Do you feel as good as I do now?

Because this is MS Strong.

The Tides of Life

The Future is a silly thing

She dances in and out of view

Once you think you know   what she’s to bring

She’ll leap and switch it up on you.

 

Her very best friend, I speak of Fate,

Is strange and wise and full of truth

Though many minds obsess   and fixate

He’ll only reveal himself    in time to you.

 

No use in trying to change Destiny’s mind

For she cares not for mortal whims

And any man who tries will find

That when chasing the future

You leave the present behind.

 

The simple moments we discard too soon

The memories we forgot to store away

Someday I’ll search the corners of my mind, where you lay strewn,

And find a special place    where you can always stay.

 

For in the darkest night we find

That though the uncertain dance of Future, Fate and Destiny confuse

Our hardest times help to define

The truest path for us to choose.

 

Just put your faith in those above

And trust our angels to watch down

And guide us to live lives full of love

For those who we remember are never gone.

 

And when the tides of life are rough

I’ll stand ashore, right next to you

And slip my hand though yours,     you say “that it’s enough,

The tides have got to change for us”

 

The tides will change, they always do

The sun will surely shine again

And when it does I’ll still be here

Standing with you, until the very end.

 

-A