Anxiety, step aside. It’s my turn!

I have struggled with anxiety since I was a young teen. I have had times in my life where it was almost non-existent, and times when it felt like it was smothering me slowly. I have utilized many different approaches to help ease my anxiety. I have found that what works best for me is working with a psychiatrist for medication, self-reflection and meditation, creative outlets like writing and singing, and professional counseling with a counselor that I have a good and trusting relationship with. All of those things take time and it can be a bit of a hunt to find the right people/techniques for you, but don’t give up!

I recently had a therapist tell me that my anxiety was controlling my life. They told me that it was affecting me, my ability to enjoy life, and my relationships with others. They reminded me that by allowing my anxiety to make decisions for me (like leaving a vacation early) I am affecting not just myself, but my husband as well. Which is true. I didn’t leave the trip alone, my husband came with me because we always have each other’s backs. But he deserves a full vacation too!

Being reminded of all of those things hurt profoundly. It is not easy to recognize your failures and shortcomings. It’s even harder to have them spoken aloud by others and to know deep down that they are right.

While I did not agree with this person’s recommendations on how I fix the problem, I did take away the very important lesson they taught me, and for that I am grateful!

It was kind of like I closed a chapter in my mind. It was a chapter titled “Anxiety: The Boss”. As if a switch flipped in my mind, I decided ‘No More!’

I was done letting my life slip by while I worried about it from the corners of my mind. I was ready to step back into the spotlight of my life and enjoy it!

My diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis this past fall really thew me into a whirlwind of emotions, and rightfully so! I went through (and probably am still going through) a full process of grieving. Grieving for the life that I always had thought I would have, which had now drastically changed in the blink of an eye.

I am still trying to navigate this new world I’ve been thrown into, and sometimes it’s a lot scarier than others. Imagine walking around with a cement block tied to a balloon on a  string dangling above your head. You know that eventually the string will break, or the balloon will run out of air and the block will fall on you, but there is no way to know when. So each day you wake up to unknown. Wondering, I wonder what my body will be like today.

It is no wonder that people with Multiple Sclerosis often have anxiety and/or depression! Not to mention the mood changes that can come as a result of MS.

All of these fears have been causing me to want to hide inside. To keep myself safe, and not do anything that might cause me to get stressed out, or sick, or overheated and cause a relapse. But when that switch in my mind flipped I realized that I am OK right now!

I have 95% of my mobility, I just need to remember to take it slow and use railings etc to prevent falls! I have my sight, my speech! I am extremely lucky as far as MS goes.

Yes, my chronic fatigue can cause some nasty symptoms. And I stumble over my numb foot every now and then, but as long as I plan my days accordingly (meaning giving myself nap time😋 and a rest day soon afterwards) I can still do SO much!

So this weekend I did not one, but two things that challenged my anxiety, and proved to myself that my body can handle some fun and adventure!

I saw Taylor Swift’s Reputation Tour on Friday night with my sister. We have been to all of her concerts together since Speak Now (2010), which is one of our favorite “sister traditions”.

After my diagnosis I was worried that I would not be able to make it to the tour this year. Stadium crowds, the noise and the lights can all cause overstimulation resulting in my dizziness and vision issues really kicking in. Not to mention, large crowds can cause claustrophobia for me.

Having that ‘kick in the ass’ earlier this week, I went into this weekend telling my anxiety that I was in control! This is my life, and I am going to enjoy it, dammit!

I had a wonderful time with my sister at the concert and was able to get through my claustrophobia with crowd using some simple breathing techniques!

The next day I went to the Minnesota State Fair with my husband and some of our friends! More big crowds! Again, I proved to myself that I could do it, and it was fun!

All in all, I’m feeling pretty damn proud of myself. I am excited to continue with this positive energy flow I am on! I am so grateful for this change in perspective and the adventures that it could bring!

I am pretty wiped out today, after my weekend of fun! But it’s a stormy day here in the mini-apple and perfect for resting, recharging my spoons, and snuggling with my boys!

Wishing you all some peace, relaxation and joy this wonderful day ❤️ – A

Am I out of the woods yet?

Summer is officially in full swing and I feel like I am on the up and up! I am finally starting to feel better after what felt like a month-long bout of the flu! In actuality, it is likely that I was experiencing some initial side effects from my Glatiramer Acetate injections.

I am now a little over a month into the injections and I am feeling truly blessed that some of my pain and fatigue has eased up! It’s perfect timing because my husband and I are about to get started on a busy summer of weddings, our own wedding planning, and summer road trips!

I am still having a little anxiety about how unpredictable MS is. I worry that I will have a sudden flare up on a day with an important event or during a trip! The “what if’s” that come along with this disease are exhausting.

What I need to do is stop worrying about the future and just enjoy my now! In the words of another one of my favorite wizards;

“My philosophy is that worrying means you suffer twice.” – Newt Scamander, Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them

As summer has started to heat up and I get ready for more and more outdoor activities and plans I have really been interested in getting a cooling vest. Heat is one of the most difficult triggers for my MS. Just twenty minutes outside on a 75-80+ degree day and my fatigue spikes exponentially. I get nauseous, dizzy, and weak. It really doesn’t take much exposure to the heat to leave me feeling like a rag doll with the stomach flu.

Usually my symptoms subside very quickly after cooling myself back down to a normal body temperature. So far I do that by seeking out air conditioning, drinking lots of water and using a cool neck wrap (one of those things that you put in the freezer).

The issue I am running into is that sometimes I want to go to a party or concert or wedding and not being rocking an ever so fashionable ice pack around my neck…I mean I’m all for accessorizing…but maybe not with that.

I have read a few blogs and lots of reviews about cooling vests made specifically for people with MS that can go under your clothes. I want one!!! I am looking into insurance coverage for one of the Thermacool under the clothing vests.

It makes me so excited and happy to know that there are tools out there than can make my daily life a little easier!

Overall, I am feeling like the winds have shifted and things are flowing through my life with a bit more positivity and ease! I want to keep that going!

Even though the past month has been difficult, I made it through. It is a sense of accomplishment to know that I have gotten back up after MS has knocked me down AGAIN! I may not be back to 100% or even 75% but I am getting there!

I know this won’t be my last battle with MS, but the small victories feel good! And feeling my body begin to bounce back feels even better!

Keep the positive thoughts going in your lives and positivity will manifest itself from within you!

-A

Sunshine Blogger Award Nominee!

First off, let me just say that I am beyond honored and grateful to have been nominated for the Sunshine Blogger Award by a blogger I have looked up to and found inspiring since the day I first came across her blog, Alyssa-  fightmsdaily.com.

Alyssa’s blog has inspired me in so many ways. Not only that, but I learn something each time I read her blog. Whether it be about her life experiences and the lessons learned though them, new ways to bring positivity into my life, or how to feel powerful and strong even though I have been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease!

So, thank you, Alyssa! And if you haven’t already, please go check out her blog for some positive vibes in your day fightmsdaily.com !

So what is this Sunshine business? 

The Sunshine Award is about recognizing bloggers who contribute positive, uplifting and inspiring energy to the blogging community. When I started blogging I was looking for a creative outlet for all of the new emotions and experiences I was going through with a new diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis.

I was also looking to find people who could understand the things I was feeling and the diagnosis I was trying to come to terms with. Little did I know I would discover a whole MS Family that has welcomed me so warmly into the blogging community. It’s amazing to feel so connected and close to those that are all the way across the globe, or just the next town over! I love you blogging brings us all together!

I have also found some truly inspirational blogs from people who are beyond passionate about what they do and what they love!

Once nominated, a blogger is asked to:

1) Write a post in which they thank the blogger for nominating them and link back to their blog.

2) Answer the 10 questions asked by the person who nominated you.

3) Nominate 5 other blogs.

4) Give them 10 questions to answer.

5) Notify your nominees and display the rules and The Sunshine Blogger Award logo in your post.

So here we go!

1. Why did you start blogging?

I started blogging because this past fall I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I was having a hard time emotionally dealing with the diagnosis. I have always been passionate about writing ever since I was a young child. Through the recommendations of my therapist and my husband I got the idea to start writing again. I felt like blogging would be a great avenue of positivity for myself. I would be able to connect with others in the MS community, as well as spread awareness and my personal experiences with both MS and Anxiety/PTSD.

2. What is your greatest inspiration in life?

My greatest inspiration in life is when I see people doing acts of kindness or spreading love to one another, even in the smallest ways! In a world full or so much violence, fear, and hatred those moments of human compassion truly remind me what we are on this earth for!

3. What is one country you would love to visit?

I would love to visit South Africa. I am very passionate about animals and wildlife. I have always been fascinated by big cats and elephants! So, I would LOVE to be able to visit a wildlife sanctuary in South Africa someday! Did you know that when an elephant looks at a human it releases the same chemical in its brain that a human brain does when it sees a puppy or something else cute? Elephants think we are cute!

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

4. As a child, what did you dream of doing for a living?

As a child I dreamed of being a Broadway actress! I actually pursued that dream, up until my anxiety made it difficult for me to continue, a couple of years ago. I have

my bachelor’s degree in Theater Performance and have a special place in my heart for classical theater (wassup Shakespeare). Some day when I have my anxiety back under control I would love to return to the stage by either directing or acting again!

 

5. If you could choose any superpower, what would it be?

Definitely flying! I have dreams about flying all the time and it is so freeing and fun! Plus, I could travel wherever I wanted to without being stuck on a plane!

6. What are your top five blogging necessities?
   1. Positivity
   2. Honesty
   3. A little bit of humor 😉
   4. Creativity
   5. Passion

 

7. What is one interesting thing about you that people do not know?

I rode horses my whole childhood! I was quite the little equestrian…

Special shoutout to my mom and dad for watching a 10 year old ride around “barrel racing” at what, I am sure, can only be described was a snails pace, with the grace of newborn giraffe.

8. What do you love most about blogging?

Meeting new people and connecting with people all over the world who share similar life experiences, interest and passions as myself!

9. If you had to listen to one song on repeat, what would it be and why?

Dancing in the Moonlight – Toploader  I just love that song, it’s one of those songs that makes me happy every time I hear it. I dare you to listen to it and not start shakin yo booty to the beat!

10. What is your biggest fear?

That I won’t live my life to the fullest. I am learning to live in the moment and experience the joy that each moment in life has to offer. I just feel that there are so many amazing things to experience and places to see.  I hope that I can experience all of them in my lifetime!

My turn to nominate! 

Now it is time to nominate some fellow bloggers for the Sunshine Award! I am pretty new to the blogging scene and I apologize if you have already been nominated for the award.

The bloggers I chose have struck me with passion, love, and made me feel so welcomed here on the grand blogosphere!

Please do not feel obligated to write a post if you do not have time (or hell, if you just don’t want to!) but I would love to read your responses to my questions if you do! Just know, either way, you have taught me, inspired me and made me smile through your blogs!

Hannah – mymultiplesclerosisandme.wordpress.com

Anita – discoveringyourhappiness.com

Brenda – brendamueller.com

stumblinginflats.com

Hannah – hannahelizasite.wordpress.com

Again, thank you to Alyssa for nominating me, and thank you to everyone who has read my little blog and made me feel so welcomed and loved in this community!

Nominees, here are your questions! 

1. What is a trait about yourself that you are most proud of?
2. What is a good book you have read recently?
3. What is a piece of advice that you were given that you will never forget?
4. What is a song that always cheers you up?
5. What is a fond memory that you have?
6. What makes you feel empowered?
7. Who inspired you to begin writing/blogging?
8. What is your go-to relaxation activity?
9. If you could meet a character from a book who would it be, and why?
10. What made you smile today?

 

I hope everyone finds a reason to smile today and feels the positive, healing, energy around them!

-A

MS Strong

I’ll remember that phone call most likely all my life.

The one that stabbed into my heart and stuck there like a knife.

I woke up with no feeling in those fingers and my toes,

With no idea what havoc those small symptoms could expose.

 

You see them in the movies, or hear about them in a song,

Those moments when your ‘normal’ ends and the seconds just drag on.

No one can prepare you for that moment, for that day

When you find out that you’re sick, and it will never go away.

 

I first react in fear and panic, in shock and disbelief

Numbly listening to the doctor, my hands shake, why can’t I breathe?

It’s “indicative of MS”, “ok”, “do you know what that means?”

“No, not really.” My voice shakes, my heart is racing, please help me.

 

Multiple Sclerosis is what the doctor then explained.

All I heard was that it was in my spine and also in my brain.

Something in my body wasn’t right, was really wrong.

It’s funny but looking back, it had been that way so long

 

I held myself together, saying “everything’s alright”,

Until I broke down in the shower later on that night.

My husband sat beside me, as we cried there on the floor,

Knowing that from here on out it’d be so different from before.

 

We were right, and things have changed a lot in half a year.

MS has put some things on hold, like having a career.

It’s hard to work when you cannot stay awake

And the slightest change in weather makes your whole body start to ache.

 

But It hasn’t all been bad, these lessons that I’ve learned.

I’m proud of all my bruises and battle scars I’ve earned.

I’ve grown, and I am learning to live in the moment every day,

To connect to life around me, and let my heart show me the way.

 

I married my best friend on a cold night in late November

A night of love and family that we always will remember.

Those around us showed support and an avalanche of love.

Love is something this disease can never get rid of.

 

I faced some of my hardest nights, have felt so vulnerable, so scared,

But I learned that when you learn to ask, someone always will be there.

Some days I feel my weakest, and some days I feel so strong.

Some days the world feels right and some days everything goes wrong.

 

I will continue on this journey, I will continue on his fight.

I will use the gifts I’m given to spread awareness and shine light.

We’ll find a cure and I’ll keep singing my fight song.

Do you feel as good as I do now?

Because this is MS Strong.

When you realize a weed is actually a flower…

As I write today I have blisters and scratches all over my hands. I spent the morning outside weeding the front garden. As new homeowners, my husband and I are constantly surprised by things we never realized came along with owning a house. Things like having to call your first extermination service because there is a wasp infestation in your deck railings. Or the first time the upstairs toilet overflows. Or realizing that if you open the upstairs bedroom and bathroom windows at the same time your upstairs doors will all slam shut and scare the poops out of you! All of those lovely, first time homeowner memories will be cherished forever, I’m sure.

We bought our house in the fall last year, so we didn’t really get to see what the trees, flowers, plants around the house looked like in full bloom. Much to my surprise this spring, once our yard finally emerged from its icy blanket of snow I realized that we have quite the little garden started in our front yard! Unfortunately for said garden it took me about a month to realize that the plants growing were in fact intentional, not weeds. Now that I have realized my error (sorry flowers!) I decided it was time to get to work on weeding my garden and cleaning up the front of our house.

Again, knowing nothing about gardening I learned a very important lesson that I shall pass on to my children and my children’s children.

“When one weeds their garden, one must wear gloves, lest their hands will harden”. – A less wise me

Yep, once these blisters heal I intend on having some nice calloused hands to show off my gardening status!

Beginner…the status is beginner.

No matter, I am still proud of the work that I did today. It was hard, physical work, but in a way it was deeply cathartic. Yesterday we buried my husbands grandfather. It was a day full of family, sorrow, memories and love. It was truly a beautiful reminder of what is important in life. Faith, family and love.

As I was weeding the garden, early this morning, I couldn’t help but think. I thought about the past, namely the day before. I prayed for my husbands grandmother and the rest of the family as they process their grief and loss,  and that they will feel a healing in their souls.

I also thought about the present. As I continued to weed the garden the my body began to ache, it was getting warmer and I could feel my fatigue starting to take its toll. But each time I looked at my progress I felt such a sense of accomplishment that I forgot how tired I was. I forgot how easy it would be to just go inside and do this another day.

In those moments I felt weak I was finding comfort and strength in helping another living thing. By clearing out the dead branches and leaves around the roots of the plants to help them better grow. I felt comforted by watering the flowers as the hot sun threatened them and by sweeping off the path walking up to our front door, creating a welcoming pathway.

By the way, while I was doing this I found and AMAZING pink rock. It’s a bit bigger than my fist and beautiful. I put it on our front step. Talk about good energies!

 

Even though the work was tiring and physically demanding, it energized me to be taking care of nature and allowing myself to only worry about one task at a time.

I think that we can think of our own minds as a garden. We need to nourish it, feed it, and care for it to help it grow. And it won’t always be butterflies and rainbows. It tough work. But good work.

Whether it be through reading, writing, gardening, doing an activity you enjoy or learning about a new subject that interests you, I think it is important to keep growing our minds, no matter how stressful or how busy our lives get. We need to remember to take the time to stop and ask ourselves how we are doing. Check in with your body and mind and give it the care it needs! And always remember that you are not alone. There are always people who care about you and appreciate you and think of you. Even if you don’t know it.

I am wishing everyone peaceful minds today and an evening full of love and comfort.

-A

 

First Injection Day: √

Today was the big day, injection training! For those of you who have read my blog before you know that I was recently diagnosed with Relapsing Remitting Multiple Sclerosis (RRMS). Since my diagnosis I have had a lot to wrap my mind around. As someone who suffers from some pretty intense anxiety to begin with, it has been…challenging to put it kindly. But one thing that I have been working up the courage for was beginning a disease modifying drug.

Disease modifying drugs work to slow down the progression of MS. There are various drugs (I think 15? currently on the market in the US) that can be used to slow the progression of this disease. These drugs range in effectiveness, risks, and the methods in which they are administered/how they work in the body.

There is no cure for Multiple Sclerosis. There is no way to undo the damage, if permanent nerve damage has already occurred. One of the biggest misunderstandings I had (and I think many people would have) about the treatment I am starting is that it does not make you feel better. It doesn’t really alleviate any symptoms, rather it gives your immune system something different to attack rather than your own myelin (protective covering of the nerves. Think of someone with MS as having a cellphone charger with the wires exposed). The hope of this treatment is that it will slow the progression of my disease and delay my next relapse or attack of symptoms, maybe by months…maybe by years!

The treatment I chose to start with is Glatiramer Acetate (the generic form of Copaxone). Glatiramer Acetate has minimal side effects, mostly confined to the injection site and does not cause long-term damage/risks to the reproductive organs. This was really important to me. I have already lost so much to this disease, I didn’t want to risk losing my future family too. So I wanted to try this less aggressive, albeit sometimes less effective, treatment option first. This drug is injected into the fatty layer under the skin either daily or three times a week, depending on dosage.

I’ve been trying to wrap my mind around giving myself shots for a while now (pretty much since I started researching treatment options last fall) and have been rather nervous about it. All it would take was the image of myself pushing a needle into my own tummy and my vision would go dark, hands and feet go numb and the room starts to spin (funny, those are all MS symptoms too! Yay anxiety, double the fun for me!) I tried to comfort myself by reminding myself that I would be thoroughly trained on how to safely inject, I would have my husband to help me if I really was that squeamish at the end of the day, and that when it comes down to it I could just inject in other body parts that made me feel less freaked out.

But all the self soothing in the world couldn’t keep that bossy voice of anxiety from running her mouth in the back of my mind.

But this morning came, and so did the nurse to show me how to tackle my newest MS challenge.

I just have to give a shout out to my nurse, who did an absolutely amazing job teaching me everything I needed to know and making sure I felt comfortable and ready to give my self my first ever injection.  And that is just what I did, and in my tummy no less! I decided that if I am going to face this fear I am going to face it head on!

It wasn’t too bad! The injection itself just felt like any shot does. There was some pretty strong stinging and burning for a few minutes after, while the injection spread, but it passed within a few minutes. As I write this, the only indication that I had such a life changing morning is a slight ache in my abdomen and a tiny dot where the needle went in. That’s it.

It’s funny. There are many moments when our lives change forever, and they pass without us even realizing them. Moments when we fall in love, take a stand or face a challenge. Sometimes they’re big, sometimes they are small. As small as pushing a button and a tiny needle injecting you with not just a medicine, but hope.

Hope that this disease won’t progress. Hope that I’ll have many years of health ahead of me. Hope that I’ll grow nice and old and have a family of my own to watch grow up too. Hope that one day I can look back at this time of my life and be proud of the bravery I showed, even when I felt like hiding. Hope that one day we won’t be on here talking about a treatment, we will be talking about the cure.

Until then, I will continue to learn each day, to cherish the peaceful moments and to fill my heart and the hearts of those around me with as much love and positivity as I can muster.

-A

“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” – Albus Dumbledore

Photo by Miriam Espacio on Pexels.com

Happy with a headache…

I have a headache. It’s funny, for someone who has a disease that affects my brain I don’t, and never have, had a lot of headaches. Growing up I can probably count on one hand the number of times I remember having a headache. Starting about two years ago I started getting periods of time where I would get headaches of various intensities quite often. Then I’d go months and months without one again. I’m in a headache period right now!

My husband was sick this weekend (finally feeling better this evening) so I am crossing my fingers that this is just a stress headache and not my already struggling immune system giving in to whatever virus he brought home.

I start my injections tomorrow, so I am pretty anxious about that. I played around with my “whisper inject” (automatic injector) without any actual needles/syringes and watched/read all the “how to” materials again. I wouldn’t say my anxious feelings are negative or bad feelings. They are more the healthy kind of nerves and tension that I always feel before a new medical procedure. It’s just anxiety watching out for me and wanting to make sure everything is safe and ‘ok’ before I try this new thus scary thing. But anxiety, I got you girl, I’ve done my homework, I’ve got a nurse coming to my home for the first injection and I will be OK! (positive thoughts!)

Ok, I HAVE to update ya’ll on the Sparrow Mom situation. WE HAVE CHICKLETS. I repeat! We have a birth…multiple births…hatches? Anyways, my (taller than the average human) husband walked past my hanging basket of African Daisy’s today and casually said “Oh, they’re alive. Watch out when you water this”.

Seeing as I was not bestowed with his same gift of height I, precariously, balanced on a patio chair and held my phone up so I could take a picture and “see” these “live” birds! And behold….sure as shoot Sparrow Mom is gonna be a busy ladybird from here on out!

Don’t worry, I was very careful not to touch the plant/nest or disturb them at all!

So as anxious as I am tonight, for what tomorrow holds, this was mother natures way of reminding me to stop and take in all the beauty and life around me! It completely made my day. And I have to say that I am, in general, very proud of my plant and animal babies today.

Fern be so fluffy!

My most precious baby of them all. Sir Mac N Cheese!

This tough fella already lost all his flowers once this season and now is looking so dapper again!

Lavender – I’m looking into how to harvest/make my own essential oils!

My (daisy? I forget…) seeds are sprouting!

My succulents are getting so big! Repot soon?

 

One of these packages looks more fun than the other…

I love the mail.

I love receiving letters in the mail, I love sending them. I love getting packages in the mail and opening them up, sending care packages to people! Yes, you have to sift through some junk to get to the good stuff sometimes, but isn’t that the same in everything in life!

As an adult I started getting more of “the junk” in the mail. Bills, advertisements, ads for stores I’ve never even shopped at. But I also started getting some fun stuff too! I get wedding invitations, baby announcements, Christmas cards! That’s kind of how my life has been lately. I’ve started getting a little more of the crappy stuff (MS diagnosis, intense anxiety etc) but I’ve also started getting a whole lot more of the wonderful stuff (a husband, a supportive family, a house and a goon of a dog).

For my birthday this year my husband got me a subscription for Ipsy. I am really excited to try out some new beauty supplies each month! Since my diagnosis I have been struggling with the way I view myself. I lost a lot of weight (not intentionally), began having the worst acne of my life (seriously, this shit makes my teenage years look like beauty marks!) and for a while, when I was feeling really sick, I just kind of gave up.

I have always enjoyed makeup and beauty products, getting my nails done and all that jazz, but this winter I was so preoccupied with the shock of my diagnosis that I fell into a no bra, all day pj wearing, throw my hair into a nest of a bun at the top of my head situation…like Sparrow Mom was considering my hair prime real-estate at one point…

Now don’t get me wrong, there is NOTHING wrong with no bra, all day pj’s and having a tangle of hair fit for housing birds and other small creatures on the top of your head! I love those days. That still is me most days.

In fact, the only reason I am not wearing my pajamas right now is because I had to drag my butt away from my Harry Potter marathon and run some errands today.

I am totally supportive of rocking whatever look makes you feel good! The issue was, I was starting to not feel good about myself. I read a post someone wrote about depression and getting yourself out of a tough patch and one of the tips was “Have you showered today? If the answer is no, go shower. Right now.” It really made me realize that I was feeling crappy about myself on the inside (still coming to terms with the fact that a part of my body was attacking another part) and was letting anxiety and negativity control my life so much that I had stopped doing some of the basic things that made me feel good.

Again, I come back to the power of our thoughts and intentions. One small thing I could do to make myself feel better was to take care of myself, starting on the outside. Spring was just around the corner and I started making sure I established my self-care routine again. I used essential oils to make my showers even more relaxing and enjoyable. I made sure I put on an outfit I liked every day  even though I was no longer working at this point and most days wasn’t seeing anyone but my husband and Sir Mac N Cheese, it just made me feel a little more like myself again.

Now I am really getting into taking care of myself not just on the outside but on the inside too!

I’ve started a skin care routine (any other MS Warriors struggle with acne?…I’m thinking my stress levels and two rounds of steroid infusion therapy in 3 months kind of had something to do with it? I’d love to hear your tips and tricks!)

I’ve started taking pride in myself, both inside and out, and I’ve started an “internal makeover”, one could say. I am actively making sure that I keep that icky negative energy out (as best I can) and soak up as much positivity as I possibly can. So anyways, I’m pumped about this beauty package today.

But I got more than one package today. I got my first shipment of Glatiramer Acetate injections as well as my auto injector and training kit. Yeah…that package was slightly less fun to receive than my other one.

I spent the beginning of this afternoon reading and watching the training materials the drug company sent and organizing my “medicine cabinet” (which is starting to look like a small pharmacy) and trying to get myself prepared for Monday, when I start the injections. I will say, that after watching the training videos and seeing how the auto injector works I am feeling slightly less nervous about injecting myself…SLIGHTLY. I’m still thinking it will take some time (and probably an emotional breakdown or two) before I get used to it. But, that’s just it. I will get used to it. Someday. It helps to have a trained nurse coming to our home to teach my husband and I for the first day.

I will write my thoughts on my first experience with injections sometime next week, I am sure 🙂

 

 

 

Gratitude

Today started out as a very frustrating day. I spent hours on the phone with different pharmacists, nurses and representatives of the MS helpline trying to get my first at home nurse visit set up, where I will learn to give myself my injections of Glatiramer acetate  (the generic form of Copaxone).

There were many questions, warnings, and instructions that each person had to go over with me. By my fourth or fifth phone call of the day I was starting to get annoyed at the information I was hearing over and over again. I know that all of these people wanted to help me, and were just trying to make sure I understood my medications but I just wanted to tell them “Listen, I am completely aware of all of the risks and side effects of this drug. I went over them with my doctor extensively. Also, you don’t have to tell me that it is not a cure. I’m aware of that. What I don’t know is how to give myself a shot, and you can’t teach me over the phone so let’s get to the part where we schedule the training.”

But instead I sat there and listened to each of them repeat the same information. The same words smashing around on the inside of my brain. Scarring. Injection. Needle. Risks. Pain. Insurance. Not a cure. Syringe. Scarring. Injection. Needle. Risks. Pain. Insurance. Not a Cure.

I finally ended my last call of the day two minutes before I walked into my therapist’s office for our weekly appointment. At that point I think I was really needing that appointment. I just needed to vent.

I was feeling frustrated. I couldn’t help but feel more and more like a name on a list of “people with MS” each time another bored sounding employee from the drug company would call me up and talk to me in the same monotone voice about the drug I was about to start, and the risks, and the things to watch out for…

I was completely consumed in my anxiety, frustration, and the loneliness I felt at that moment. Not a single person (with the exception of my neurologists assistant) that I had talked to on the phone had sounded like they cared. They just sounded like they were bored and reading off a script the drug company had given them. It all felt so cold.

I was letting the negative energy I was feeling take control of my mood and thus, how my day was going.

After talking with my therapist I started to realize this and shift back into a more positive energy and we ended up talking about the power of the intention behind our thoughts.

Dr. Masaru Emoto was a Japanese researcher and author who theorized that the human consciousness could have an effect on water crystals. He tested this by taking a drop of water from a constant water source and placing it on a single sheet of paper (also from a consistent source). He would then very intentionally focus all of his consciousness on either a positive or negative statement spoken (and in another test, written) to the water on the paper. He would then place the papers in the freezer and examine them the next day under a microscope. The results are incredible!

The water droplets that had a positive statement spoken to them were formed in intricate and beautiful patterns, just like a snowflake. The droplets that had a negative statement spoken to them were deformed and discolored. He also tested his theory by exposing the droplets to different music, prayers, and names of people in history. There are some youtube videos out there if you google his name where you can see most/all of the actual photos! It’s really amazing how powerful our thoughts and intentions really are. Below are some of the photographs taken by Dr. Masaru Emoto during is experiment.

I really love the beauty in the positivity!

 

It kind of reset my perspective for the day. I decided to stop focusing so much on the negative aspects of my day and instead to concentrate all of my energy on the positive things. My mood has already shifted positively and I am so grateful for the lesson that I learned today and my therapist for helping me discover it.

I know it’s not always easy to find a therapist you really connect with, but it is worth the wait and the search. Don’t give up on your mental health and be kind to yourself!

I challenge you all today to think of five things you are grateful for and send that positivity out into the universe. Lord know’s we could use it 😉

I am grateful for the sun.

I am grateful for a husband who supports me emotionally and financially in these hard times.

I am grateful for my dog, sleeping with his head on my foot.

I am grateful that Sparrow Mom decided to build her nest where I can watch her babies grow.

I am grateful for words and language and our ability to express and connect with people though them.

-A