MS🧠Kicks🧠Ass🧠But🧠So🧠Do🧠I

This morning I woke up for the fourth day in a row with limited (VERY limited/borderline no) feeling in my right leg. I’ve also been having increased tingling in my right foot, and some weird hearing issues. And lastly,  muscle spasms and tremors in my right leg. In the past I have had issues with my right leg losing feeling, but it came back after two rounds of steroid infusion therapy.

I know that this could just be a pseudo relapse due to stress (seeing as most of the symptoms are in a leg that has had issues before makes me think this is likely?) but it scares me nonetheless. It still means that something is wrong. It means that inside my brain there are parts that are dying, being eaten away at by my own immune system.

I have reached out to my neurologist and I am waiting to hear back about what he wants to do about this flare of symptoms.

Today has been a rough day. It’s so hard to explain what it feels like to know there is something wrong inside of you.

It’s so hard to trust your own body and listen to the strange sensations we feel with MS when there are people around you suggesting that it is “just your anxiety” or all in your head. I am still learning how to trust my body, something that is SO important with a disease like MS. God, it’s still weird to say sometimes, disease.

I am the one living in this body, I am the one who knows when something doesn’t feel right. I have lived long enough with anxiety to know when it is wreaking havoc in my body..and when it is not. When it is something else. So I need to trust what I know.

It sucks to have to miss out on things and have to stay inside and rest when my heart and mind still want to be out having adventures. It is unsettling to have a mind and body that are on completely different pages sometimes. I am not choosing to be sick. I am still learning how to accept that some things, like having this disease, are out of my control.

If any of you have someone who is struggling, who is sick, or who just are having a rough day today, give them a hug. Or shoot them a text reminding them they are a badass mother****** and that you love them! We all can use a little pick me up some days.

“Without a little lift, the ballerina falls.” – Next To Normal

So this is for you, yes YOU. The anxious ones, the sick ones, the overworked ones, the black sheep, the depressed ones, the frightened ones, the lonely ones. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE STRONG. YOU ARE EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE MEANT TO BE 💕 Keep on that fight, you courageous warriors!!

With a heart full of hope – A

I Am From

I am from

Bedtime stories, lilac bushes, the smell of cakes baking. From living room plays and my little brother’s laugh.

I am from

The smell of horses on my clothes and the thrill of spying on my older sister. From anxiety pills, singing in the bathroom mirror and dreams of being a Broadway star.

I am from

Reading books until my eyes would hurt and growing up too fast. From late night phone calls, crying myself to sleep, and from losing myself to a monster hidden inside a man’s body.

I am from

Daydreams and parents that fought for me and never gave up. From the rush of freedom when you tell someone toxic ‘goodbye’. From therapy, from growing pains, from surviving.

I am from

The windy streets of Chicago, staying up late drinking wine on the deck and flipping off taxis that almost run me over.

I am from

Butterflies on the first day of college, from counting my last quarters to pay for the train. From Dunkin’ Donuts coffee and a cigarette before work.

I am from

The smell of an empty stage on the first day of rehearsal, dogs barking and dive bars. From the feel of leash in my hand and garage cover bands.

I am from

Packing up my belongings in the back of a truck and admitting when I need help. From the biting cold of Minnesota winters and the scorching sun of the summer.

I am from

Sweeping up hair in a high-end salon. From the night that I met him and fell in love. From finding each other and learning to trust again after all of life’s pain.

I am from

The new puppy crying in the middle of the night, the smell of bacon on Saturday morning and picking up dog poop. From floppy ears, wet kisses and going for walks.

I am from

Two apartments, one townhouse, then our home. From a diamond ring inside a Christmas ornament. From a night in November and an exchanging of vows.

I am from

A phone call that changed my life, fatigue, pain, and MRI’s. From Panic attacks, steroid infusion therapy, IV’s and the kind words of nurses.

I am from

PTSD, headaches and lesions in my spine. From being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. From getting back up when life knocks me down and learning each day.

I am from

Lesions in my brain, syringes, the clean smell of a hospital that makes your nose wrinkle. From injecting myself with disease modifying drugs and the painful hold of the MS hug.

I am from

The compassion of others, from faith in myself. From laughing so hard that we both end up crying, from flashbacks, kisses goodnight and wishes for sweet dreams every night.

I am from

Positive thinking, energy, vivid dreams and poems. From strength in the face of my greatest fears. From soft blankets, dog snuggles, and songs stuck in my head.

From determination,  finding a cure, walking for awareness and the power of love.

From becoming a woman I can be proud of.