While We Stay Inside

We took for granted many things.

Some we thought we’d never miss.

But now they’re gone, it all feels wrong.

And so, we’ll stay inside.

A cold beer in the driveway with a few neighbors, around the time the sky starts to get dark.

Our children’s t-ball games on weeknights in the park,

Sitting shoulder to shoulder with a stranger, on a bus, that smells like pee.

Fully stocked shelves in stores, where everyone can find the things they need.

We took for granted many things.

Some we thought we’d never miss.

But now they’re gone, it all feels wrong.

And so, we’ll stay inside.

Full pews at church, smiles at the grocery store

and potluck dinners that never end.

Long lines in coffee shops.

Afternoon playdates with best friends.

We took for granted many things.

Some we thought we’d never miss.

But now they’re gone, it all feels wrong.

And so, we’ll stay inside.

Bumping shoulders at the farmers market, with early morning smiles that say “hello”

The neighbor kids’ laughter drifting through an open kitchen window

The roar of the crowd as the buzzer blares and the ball goes through the net!

When my hands smelt of lotion, gluten free flour and dirt from freshly planted flowers

Instead of hand sanitizer, soap and anxiety sweat.

We took for granted many things.

Some we thought we’d never miss.

But now they’re gone, it all feels wrong.

And so, we’ll stay inside.

Traffic jams and crowded, stuffy rooms full of friends on the weekend.

Awkward chatting with strangers at the dog park while our dogs become best friends.

School kids in hallways, lined up in single file.

Campfires on a buggy night with friends you haven’t seen in a while.

We took for granted so many things.

And now they’re all racing through my mind.

So, god, please grant us all the patience and faith

To wait this out inside.

Making Memories

I look forward to the day when I can look back at this and think of it,

no longer in the present tense.

I will dust off these old faded memories, the ones that are so vivid in this moment.

The ones that currently scream into all of my senses, igniting fear and anxiety inside my mind.

Hush. I whisper quietly to my own thoughts as the moon peers through my bedroom curtains.

Its ivory light illuminates my shadowed bedroom.

The bed heaves in rhythm with the dogs breath.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

His slumber is steady – save for the occasional twitch of his paw.

Somewhere a rabbit dashes just beyond his snarling reach.

He does not fear what is happening in the world outside these walls.

He sleeps.

Oh, to have a peaceful mind.

Untroubled by the present, not haunted by the past, not frightened of the path ahead.

Simply living in this moment. Happy to be sleeping on the bed, by the people that he loves.

So the dog is the teacher tonight, the tables have turned and I am the one learning a trick.

To stop the racing cogs and gears of my mind and allow myself to simply be.

To allow myself this stillness, and allow this time of rest.

Like the dog, we will live each day in this house, catching good memories in jars and lining them up on a shelf to look at when the days grow darker.

And when the nights seem longer, we will wait for the sun together.

We will wait and the sun will come, as it always does.

Peaking through the heavy blanket of night like a cool breeze.

And when it does shine again, we will be there together.

A Perfect Storm

The past two weeks have been rough. Very rough. It’s taken me a while to even work up the courage to write this post.

Two weeks ago I started feeling really crummy. I came down with some sort of stomach bug. It sucked, but it was just a stomach bug, I knew it would end. A few days passed…and then a few more. Before I knew it I had been down and out for a solid week. I woke up that next morning to something that I had never experienced before. My whole body was shaking. It wasn’t just shivering, it was violent, uncontrollable shakes wracking through my entire body. I would later find out that this phenominon is called Rigors.

At first my husband and I thought I was just cold. We cranked up the heat, layered clothes onto me, and piled on the blankets. But the shaking just continued. In fact, it got worse. The next day I emailed my doctor asking for advice. I’ve had chills before when I have had the flu, but never like that. My doctor suggested that I be seen that day.

I went in, got some meds. They did some tests and assured me that I had an infection and with some antibiotics I would be fine. Fast forward two days and I could barely walk anymore. My body was exhausted, I was exhausted, and to be honest, I was scared. Really scared.

I ended up spending the day in ER getting fluids and more tests than I could count. Again, they ruled out everything (this time also ruling out an infection, and advising me to stop taking the antibiotics). My heart rate was high, and I was running fever so the ER doc gave me the option of going home and trying to rest, or being admitted overnight for observation. I chose to go home, and try to get some sleep. I felt like that was what my body was needing the most. Looking back, I wish I had stayed.

Two days later I was back in the ER for more fluids and tests. This time I was put on a drug combination of Reglan and Benadryl. The Reglan to help with nausea, the Benadryl to help counteract the side effects of the Reglan. I was so tired of being sick at this point, that I didn’t even question what these side effects could be.

“Reglan can make you a little restless.” The doctor had said.

Well, it did. But it was manageable for the first day. I felt uncomfortably wired, but the Benadryl took the edge off. But that night I barely slept. I had the worst Insomnia of my life. The next morning it only got worse.

I started feeling incredibly anxious. I didn’t feel like myself at all. I could feel every racing beat of my heart pounding against my ribcage and rattling my entire chest. I couldn’t focus on anything, I couldn’t stop moving. I felt like I was dying.

It turns out I was having a severe adverse reaction to the Reglan. My heart rate continued to run high and my body was going completely haywire. It was worse than anything I have ever felt, including from Steroid Infusion Therapy, which anyone who has had done can tell you is not a ride in the park.

I was scared before, now I was terrified.

I ended up being admitted to the hospital due to the extreme adverse reaction to Reglan. Luckily I was able to go home the next day. It’s been four days since I last took the Reglan (and I only took it for one day) and I am still having waves of extreme anxiety and racing heart, although less frequently and intense each day.

It turns out this is not an unheard of reaction to the drug. Although uncommon, it can cause this type of response in some people. My chart now has Reglan listed under my drug allergies.

These past two weeks are a blur of pain, fear, stress, anxiety and tears. I’m having a hard time moving past these painful memories. I know that it is in the past, and that I will never take that drug again so I will never have that reaction to it again, but I am still scared.

It is hard to admit that I am shaken, that I wasn’t able to just bounce right back like I usually do. It’s not easy to talk about things that caused such pain. And it is definitely not easy to look this kind of anxiety in the face and tell it to fuck off.

But admitting I am scared is nothing to be ashamed of as long I don’t give up. As long as I keep my head up and keep moving forward. As hard as the past two weeks have been, I did make it through.

I proved to myself that my body and my mind are strong. No, they are not perfect. But they can take a few punches and stand up again. I might not stand up gracefully, or quickly but I will  stand.

So with shaking hands, but a determined heart I look forward to a new week full of smiles, healing, positivity and growth.

-A