My healing comes in steady waves.
So inconspicuous it could go unnoticed if one wasn’t aware.
Like the second hand on an old clock
I tick slowly on, in minute and determined movements.
The forward movement is so small it could go unnoticed by the naked eye.
Until you glance away, and back again, and see how far I have already come.
I have been a bit MIA the past couple of months when it comes to writing. It took me a while to decide that I wanted to share what was going on with me and has taken me even longer to figure out how to put it into words.
If you know me personally or have read any of my other works, you know that anxiety and mental health issues are something I have dealt with ever since I was a young teenager. Over the years I have gone to many therapists, tried many different medications, read many books, done countless meditations, and tried homeopathic remedies to try and “fix” my anxiety.
After my diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis about a year ago my anxiety really began to spiral out of control. What once was a small voice of worry in the back of my mind became a deafening roar that echoed violently off of the inside of my skull. Every day I felt like I was at war with my own mind. I was exhausted, I was losing hope, and I was scared.
About a month ago I started an intensive outpatient therapy program (meaning I go to treatment for 7 hours each day but go back home after treatment each evening) to finally address both my PTSD and anxiety. It was a difficult step to take, but one I knew was important for my mental health.
The treatment I am going through is called Prolonged Exposure Therapy (PE). PE has two parts to it:Imaginal Exposure- revisiting your traumatic event in detail with a therapist, speaking in the present tense, and then discussing and processing the imaginal exposure and your emotions etc. afterwards with the therapist.
The second part is In Vivo exposures. This means “in real life”. These exposures are confronting your fears both during programing and at home after programing each day. You work with your therapist to develop a range of all of your possible feared stimuli or situations (related to PTSD or another disorder, so it could be specific places, people or things that remind you of your trauma and cause panic and anxiety or trigger you in some way) and create a challenging but doable exercise to do repeatedly day after day, until it no longer causes you anxiety.
This process is called habituation and it is the gradual process of becoming accustomed to safe but uncomfortable situations that we once perceived as scary or dangerous. Once you habituate to a once feared stimuli you move on to the next thing on your fear hierarchy.
I am attending a program that focuses on Prolonged Exposure Therapy as well as Cognitive BehavioralTherapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Experiential Therapy(ET) and medication management.
This treatment has been one of the most exhausting, terrifying, empowering, healing, and intense experiences of my life. I am not going to lie and say it’s easy, but I will say it works.
It’s hard. I mean really, really hard, but it is so worth it in the long run. Beginning to free myself from the heavy weights of anxiety and panic that I have been dragging around for so long is so invigorating!
It is both intimidating and self-empowering to wake up every day and face my biggest fears. To look my demons in the eye and tell them to fuck off. To learn to trust and love my own mind again.
I didn’t write for a while as I started this treatment program. Writing is very emotional for me and when I write a lot of my heart pours out onto the pages. I wasn’t ready to write in the beginning of treatment. I just had too many thoughts, fears, anxieties, and emotions to even begin to put them into words, let alone share them with anyone but my therapist.
But then one day I picked up a pen and wrote something that sort of encompasses what I have learned so far from this program and what I am continuing to learn and work on every single day. A Poem entitled : The Wave.
It took a while, but I have finally started to feel like myself again.
For anyone dealing with mental health issues or trauma, I know what you’re feeling. I know how scary, and lonely, and exhausting it can be to fight with your own thoughts every day. I know how far away happiness can feel at times, and I know that it may seem like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
But this is a gentle reminder that there is.
That you are not alone. That you are strong, even if you feel broken. It’s ok to feel what you are feeling, whatever it may be! Your emotions are valid and none of them are “bad”. Be accepting of your emotions and thoughts, but you don’t have to let them control your actions. You get to do that!
It felt important to share this with you all because too often people find themselves ashamed to admit they are struggling with a mental health issue. Once we start looking, however, we will realize that there are so many people out there who are feeling the same things as you are. Take comfort in knowing that we are all human and we all experience both good and bad in our lives. You are not alone, you are not “sick” and you are not crazy.
You are grounded. You are loved. And you are enough.
-A
It feels a thousand years ago
I started on this daunting path
With shaking hands and wild eyes,
Still picking up the broken pieces of the aftermath.
What had felt like an impossible feat
Has already begun to come to pass
And the healing that seemed so far away
Came like a wave crashing over me so fast.
Once I accepted where I was
And stopped trying to control the entire game
I found that were I was, was enough
And my life was waiting there for me to come reclaim.
The part of me that’s hurt is still there
It just doesn’t sting so bad.
I’ve learned to trust myself again,
A self-love I’ve never had.
The fear still creeps up on me
every now and then,
It’s breath hot and sticky
breathing down upon my neck
But instead of curling up to hide
I look that fear right in the eye,
And tell it to back right off
Because I get to decide.
What is scary, what is dangerous,
What’s worth the adventure and the risk.
That anything life throws at me
Together my heart and mind can fix.
It’s a very scary war to wage,
The one inside your head.
It takes a special kind of brave to speak of your demons
To utter words that long have gone unsaid.
Anxiety, OCD, Depression
and so much more.
Just the tip of an iceberg of issues
That the world’s learned to ignore.
It’s time we change the stigma, shed a little light.
Mental illness does not make you weak.
It makes you very strong.
And it takes a very brave soul
to ask for help when things go wrong.
So, the woman who feels hopeless,
Or the man who feels so lost but is afraid to say
Are nothing short of warriors
Donning armor and walking into battle every day.
So, when you feel the weight crushing down upon your chest,
Remember both the bad and good are but fleeting states at best.
You will learn to cherish every emotion your heart has had and each lesson that life gave,
Once you take a risk to swim and learn to love to ride the wave.
Chances are good that you or someone who you love has experienced some form of clinical anxiety in their lifetime. Anxiety is a completely normal and healthy feeling that all of us feel at one point or another. But having an anxiety disorder is a lot more than just feeling nervous.
I’ve decided to write about five major types of anxiety disorders. Someone with anxiety can have one, two, three or all of them at once! There are more that I will not discuss today, but that does not mean they are not out there!
Just because you have one Anxiety Disorder does not mean that you can’t have another, in fact many of these disorders kind of bleed into the next so it is not uncommon to develop more than one anxiety disorder.
Think of Anxiety Disorders as an umbrella, and all of these different disorders fall under the same umbrella.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD): Generalized Anxiety is often described as being in a constant state of worry and feeling of doom or dread that something bad is going to happen. However, oftentimes (not always) people with GAD have a hard time pin pointing exactly what it is they are anxious about, it is more of a constant state of general unease.
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD): Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is characterized by repetitive, unwanted thoughts (the obsessive part) and the need to perform repeated tasks or behaviors (the compulsive part). These compulsions can oftentimes become ritualistic in nature, done to temporarily ease the symptoms of intense anxiety and bring a short period of comfort to the person. The term “OCD” get’s thrown around very casually in our current society.
People love to say “Oh my god, I organized my entire closet by color. I am SO OCD!” or “You like to clean your house every other day? You must be OCD!”
The truth is statements like that stigmatize and romanticize OCD. A disorder that is anything but “cute” and “funny”. Only those truly fighting the heavy shackles of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder know how serious and horrible this disorder really can be. Anyone who truly has OCD would never make an offhanded comment or joke about it.
OCD is not organizing your pens by shade, or sweeping your house every day. OCD is having to get up ten times an hour to check that the oven is off, so that you don’t burn down your house and kill your entire family. Or the guy whose hands are red and raw because he has washed them 37 time already today, but still has to open doors with his sleeves covering his hands. OCD is being completely aware that your thoughts and actions are irrational and not actually helpful to your anxiety, but you have.to.do.it.anyways.
Panic Disorder: Panic disorder is defined as someone who has had (is having) multiple unexpected or repeating episodes of severe anxiety accompanied by; feeling of doom or dread, intense fear of dying, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, shaking, sweating, fear of “going crazy”, nausea, dizziness, numbness and a general feeling that something horrible is going to happen.
Panic attacks are very scary, anyone who has had one (and most people do, unfortunately, at some point of their lives) knows that in the moment it can feel like a near impossible task to overcome the feeling. When people who are having a panic attack say they feel like they are dying, or about to pass out it’s because they truly feel that way.
When repeated panic attacks occur panic disorder can continue to intensify to the point of Agoraphobia. Agoraphobia is defined as:
“A fear of having a panic attack in a situation where it would be challenging or embarrassing to escape. This fear often leads to persistent avoidance behaviors, in which the person begins to stay away from places and situations in which they fear panic may occur. For example, some commonly avoided circumstances include driving a car, leaving the comfort of home, shopping in a mall, traveling by airplane, or simply being in a crowded area.”
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): PTSD is an anxiety disorder that develops when someone experiences a shocking, dangerous, scary or terrifying event. Oftentimes people associate PTSD with soldiers and those who have seen combat. This is a very common and serious cause of PTSD, but not the only one.
PTSD can be caused by things like sexual assault, a car accident, witnessing or being the victim of violence or crime and more. Most people will experience trauma in their lives and recover from it in a healthy way over time. When healthy recovery does not happen PTSD can develop. PTSD is characterized by having all of the following symptoms at least once a month after your trauma:
Social Phobia (previously known as social anxiety): Social Phobia is an intense fear and sense of self-consciousness in social settings. The intensity of social anxiety can vary from person to person. One person with Social Phobia may be fine in a social setting, as long as they don’t have to speak in front of the group. Another person diagnosed with Social Phobia may have issues even leaving their house due to the overwhelming fear of interacting with others.
The good news is that all of these anxiety disorders are treatable with the use of therapy and medication management. Many times anxiety disorders will require both to be fully and effectively treated.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is one of the most widely proven treatment options of Anxiety Disorders. When participating in CBT you work with a licensed therapist to identify, address, and change distorted and destructive thinking and behaviors. You work to improve emotional regulation and develop, with your therapist, healthy coping techniques to use throughout your life, because unfortunately you cannot cure anxiety, but you CAN learn to control it!
I hope that this information helped you better understand that when someone tells you they have an Anxiety Disorder they aren’t telling you they are simply feeling nervous or anxious. There is so much more that they are dealing with under the surface.
If you or a loved one has one of these disorders I encourage you to educate yourself (using a reputable source, of course) on the anxiety disorder further. Education is power!
Be patient and kind with one another, you never know what demons someone may be fighting.
And for the warriors currently in their own battles with an Anxiety Disorder, you are STRONG. You are NOT ALONE. And things WILL GET BETTER. Keep fighting warriors!
-A
What do you think of when you think the word ‘Brave’?
Do you think of knights or warriors or heroes in capes?
Or do you think of everyday people of all sizes and all shapes?
Brave is waking up each morning, willing to face the challenges of the day.
It is looking your problems in the face, but never backing down.
It is letting a smile sneak through when all your heart can do is frown.
Brave is walking through a valley of fear and doubt and pain.
It is silencing all of the ‘what if’s” smacking around inside your brain.
And somehow calming the restless and anxious soul and letting a racing mind unwind.
Brave is showing up to the doctor’s appointment
Even though you are afraid of what they might find.
It is learning to leave the demons of your past behind.
Brave is taking a deep breath in… and letting it out again.
Brave is admitting when you need help, that you can’t do it on your own.
It is making it through the night when it’s dark and you’re all alone.
Brave is smiling through the tears that are streaming down your face.
And cracking jokes in hospital rooms to ease your loved one’s fear.
Brave is accepting words of help, even when it’s not what you want to hear.
Brave is pulling yourself back up to standing, after you’ve taken your hundredth fall.
It is not beating yourself up for the times you showed your pain.
Brave does not mean that you are not scared, that your heart does not race,
and your hands don’t shake, they do.
Brave is feeling all of the fear and stepping forward anyways.
Brave is one foot in front of the other, one step at a time.
Brave is being patient for the change you need, trusting that the stars will align.
Brave can look at you with fear in her eyes, a quiver in her voice.
Brave can break down and be a monstrous mess
But brave knows that eventually, life will coalesce.
Brave is the woman at the clinic, or the man who limps slowly down the street.
Brave is the family in the waiting room, or the patient in the bed.
Brave is the battles we have won in the past, and the ones that lay ahead.
Brave is falling into bed after a hellish kind of day.
And telling yourself that even though it was so hard, it’s going to be ok.
Braving is reminding yourself that tomorrow is a brand new day.
Brave doesn’t always shock and awe.
Brave can be quite simple and quite small.
And sometimes those little tiny steps are the bravest of them all.
-A
The past two weeks have been rough. Very rough. It’s taken me a while to even work up the courage to write this post.
Two weeks ago I started feeling really crummy. I came down with some sort of stomach bug. It sucked, but it was just a stomach bug, I knew it would end. A few days passed…and then a few more. Before I knew it I had been down and out for a solid week. I woke up that next morning to something that I had never experienced before. My whole body was shaking. It wasn’t just shivering, it was violent, uncontrollable shakes wracking through my entire body. I would later find out that this phenominon is called Rigors.
At first my husband and I thought I was just cold. We cranked up the heat, layered clothes onto me, and piled on the blankets. But the shaking just continued. In fact, it got worse. The next day I emailed my doctor asking for advice. I’ve had chills before when I have had the flu, but never like that. My doctor suggested that I be seen that day.
I went in, got some meds. They did some tests and assured me that I had an infection and with some antibiotics I would be fine. Fast forward two days and I could barely walk anymore. My body was exhausted, I was exhausted, and to be honest, I was scared. Really scared.
I ended up spending the day in ER getting fluids and more tests than I could count. Again, they ruled out everything (this time also ruling out an infection, and advising me to stop taking the antibiotics). My heart rate was high, and I was running fever so the ER doc gave me the option of going home and trying to rest, or being admitted overnight for observation. I chose to go home, and try to get some sleep. I felt like that was what my body was needing the most. Looking back, I wish I had stayed.
Two days later I was back in the ER for more fluids and tests. This time I was put on a drug combination of Reglan and Benadryl. The Reglan to help with nausea, the Benadryl to help counteract the side effects of the Reglan. I was so tired of being sick at this point, that I didn’t even question what these side effects could be.
“Reglan can make you a little restless.” The doctor had said.
Well, it did. But it was manageable for the first day. I felt uncomfortably wired, but the Benadryl took the edge off. But that night I barely slept. I had the worst Insomnia of my life. The next morning it only got worse.
I started feeling incredibly anxious. I didn’t feel like myself at all. I could feel every racing beat of my heart pounding against my ribcage and rattling my entire chest. I couldn’t focus on anything, I couldn’t stop moving. I felt like I was dying.
It turns out I was having a severe adverse reaction to the Reglan. My heart rate continued to run high and my body was going completely haywire. It was worse than anything I have ever felt, including from Steroid Infusion Therapy, which anyone who has had done can tell you is not a ride in the park.
I was scared before, now I was terrified.
I ended up being admitted to the hospital due to the extreme adverse reaction to Reglan. Luckily I was able to go home the next day. It’s been four days since I last took the Reglan (and I only took it for one day) and I am still having waves of extreme anxiety and racing heart, although less frequently and intense each day.
It turns out this is not an unheard of reaction to the drug. Although uncommon, it can cause this type of response in some people. My chart now has Reglan listed under my drug allergies.
These past two weeks are a blur of pain, fear, stress, anxiety and tears. I’m having a hard time moving past these painful memories. I know that it is in the past, and that I will never take that drug again so I will never have that reaction to it again, but I am still scared.
It is hard to admit that I am shaken, that I wasn’t able to just bounce right back like I usually do. It’s not easy to talk about things that caused such pain. And it is definitely not easy to look this kind of anxiety in the face and tell it to fuck off.
But admitting I am scared is nothing to be ashamed of as long I don’t give up. As long as I keep my head up and keep moving forward. As hard as the past two weeks have been, I did make it through.
I proved to myself that my body and my mind are strong. No, they are not perfect. But they can take a few punches and stand up again. I might not stand up gracefully, or quickly but I will stand.
So with shaking hands, but a determined heart I look forward to a new week full of smiles, healing, positivity and growth.
-A
October 10th is World Mental Health Day. I talk a lot about mental health on my blog. I have been affected by mental illness since I was a teenager. Growing up, my parents were very open about mental health and, having experienced anxiety and depression first hand, were able to recognize when I started exhibiting signs of anxiety and depression when I was around fifteen years old.
I have come to realize that not everyone grows up in an environment where mental health is talked about in a very open and honest way. There are many people out there who have no idea that they are not alone in feelings of sadness, or fear or hopelessness. People who have no idea that there is a whole network of people out there dedicated to helping those with mental health issues and getting them to a place where they can enjoy their lives again. Today is about shedding light on mental health and ending the stigma that seeking help for your mental health issues is something to be ashamed of.
One thing I have noticed that concerns me is the trend of “pill shaming”. The idea that there is something wrong with people if they are taking medication to help manage their mental health. If you had a physical illness and there was a medication available to you that would make you feel better would you stop for one second to wonder “what will people think if I take this medication?”…nope! You would take the meds, and get better! So there is no shame in seeking help from a medical professional if you suspect that you are struggling from anxiety or depression. They are there to help you, and they can help.
Now, I am not saying that there is a magical pill out there that will just cure your anxiety or your depression. There are many tools that I have added to my proverbial tool belt to help me combat my anxiety problems. To name a few; Meditation, Self Care, Writing (my personal writing as well as blogging), Eating Healthy, Counseling, Regular Exercise
One of the techniques that has helped me the most, not just during panic attacks, but also during physical discomfort from MS, illness, etc. is meditation.
I was recently watching an episode of “In Search Of” hosted by Zachary Quinto and they were searching for the answers to how some people are able to exhibit super human strength or feats during periods of meditation.
He was specifically looking at a Shaolin warrior monk who through meditation, is able to complete tasks that would usually leave a human seriously injured. However this monk walks away with not even a scratch to be seen. For example, in this episode the Shaolin warrior monk breaks a wooden staff* over his head. He never loses consciousness, finches, and claims to feel no pain whatsoever!
In search of (haha get it?) an answer as to how this monk is able to endure these superhuman feats Zachary, the monk, and one other person conduct an experiment where they took two MRI scans of their brains. The first scan was a regular scan, but during the second scan the men were asked to put their hand in extremely cold ice water. They were specifically looking for the area of the brain that recognizes pain to light up.
As suspected, when Zachary Quinto put his hand into the ice water his scan showed the pain receptor area of his brain lighting up like a Christmas tree. But when the monk did this same test, while meditating and centering himself into a place a of tranquility, his scan showed extremely limited activity in the pain receptor area of the brain!
Even more interesting, Zachary went into the MRI machine one more time to test just how successful he could be at lowering his pain level through meditation. His scan, while meditating, noted a significant decrease in activity in the pain center of the brain.
Even the doctor who was helping them conduct this tests were baffled at how affective meditation was at physically changing the way our bodies received and reacted to pain!
I have not been feeling great with a stomach bug the past few days and I have found meditation extremely helpful to help ease my discomfort. Sometimes, if your discomfort is too high to even concentrate on a full meditation even just focusing on your breathing can help. “In…two…three…four…out…two…three…for”. That phrase has gotten me through many a tough moment over the past year.
So today if you are struggling with a battle against mental illness, or if you know someone who is, let us all remember that there is always hope, there is always light, and there is an army of people around you (including me!) that are cheering you on and supporting you every step of your journey!
Let’s share some positive vibes today.
-A
I have struggled with anxiety since I was a young teen. I have had times in my life where it was almost non-existent, and times when it felt like it was smothering me slowly. I have utilized many different approaches to help ease my anxiety. I have found that what works best for me is working with a psychiatrist for medication, self-reflection and meditation, creative outlets like writing and singing, and professional counseling with a counselor that I have a good and trusting relationship with. All of those things take time and it can be a bit of a hunt to find the right people/techniques for you, but don’t give up!
I recently had a therapist tell me that my anxiety was controlling my life. They told me that it was affecting me, my ability to enjoy life, and my relationships with others. They reminded me that by allowing my anxiety to make decisions for me (like leaving a vacation early) I am affecting not just myself, but my husband as well. Which is true. I didn’t leave the trip alone, my husband came with me because we always have each other’s backs. But he deserves a full vacation too!
Being reminded of all of those things hurt profoundly. It is not easy to recognize your failures and shortcomings. It’s even harder to have them spoken aloud by others and to know deep down that they are right.
While I did not agree with this person’s recommendations on how I fix the problem, I did take away the very important lesson they taught me, and for that I am grateful!
It was kind of like I closed a chapter in my mind. It was a chapter titled “Anxiety: The Boss”. As if a switch flipped in my mind, I decided ‘No More!’
I was done letting my life slip by while I worried about it from the corners of my mind. I was ready to step back into the spotlight of my life and enjoy it!
My diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis this past fall really thew me into a whirlwind of emotions, and rightfully so! I went through (and probably am still going through) a full process of grieving. Grieving for the life that I always had thought I would have, which had now drastically changed in the blink of an eye.
I am still trying to navigate this new world I’ve been thrown into, and sometimes it’s a lot scarier than others. Imagine walking around with a cement block tied to a balloon on a string dangling above your head. You know that eventually the string will break, or the balloon will run out of air and the block will fall on you, but there is no way to know when. So each day you wake up to unknown. Wondering, I wonder what my body will be like today.
It is no wonder that people with Multiple Sclerosis often have anxiety and/or depression! Not to mention the mood changes that can come as a result of MS.
All of these fears have been causing me to want to hide inside. To keep myself safe, and not do anything that might cause me to get stressed out, or sick, or overheated and cause a relapse. But when that switch in my mind flipped I realized that I am OK right now!
I have 95% of my mobility, I just need to remember to take it slow and use railings etc to prevent falls! I have my sight, my speech! I am extremely lucky as far as MS goes.
Yes, my chronic fatigue can cause some nasty symptoms. And I stumble over my numb foot every now and then, but as long as I plan my days accordingly (meaning giving myself nap time😋 and a rest day soon afterwards) I can still do SO much!
So this weekend I did not one, but two things that challenged my anxiety, and proved to myself that my body can handle some fun and adventure!
I saw Taylor Swift’s Reputation Tour on Friday night with my sister. We have been to all of her concerts together since Speak Now (2010), which is one of our favorite “sister traditions”.
After my diagnosis I was worried that I would not be able to make it to the tour this year. Stadium crowds, the noise and the lights can all cause overstimulation resulting in my dizziness and vision issues really kicking in. Not to mention, large crowds can cause claustrophobia for me.
Having that ‘kick in the ass’ earlier this week, I went into this weekend telling my anxiety that I was in control! This is my life, and I am going to enjoy it, dammit!
I had a wonderful time with my sister at the concert and was able to get through my claustrophobia with crowd using some simple breathing techniques!
The next day I went to the Minnesota State Fair with my husband and some of our friends! More big crowds! Again, I proved to myself that I could do it, and it was fun!
All in all, I’m feeling pretty damn proud of myself. I am excited to continue with this positive energy flow I am on! I am so grateful for this change in perspective and the adventures that it could bring!
I am pretty wiped out today, after my weekend of fun! But it’s a stormy day here in the mini-apple and perfect for resting, recharging my spoons, and snuggling with my boys!
Wishing you all some peace, relaxation and joy this wonderful day ❤️ – A
I had my second MRI of 2018 today. I will say I was pretty worried going in to it. My last MRI did not go very well and triggered some major anxiety for me. I tried to prepare myself this time and was prescribed sedatives by my neurologist to help me get through my 2 hour-long trip into the tiny tube.
MRI’s are stress full enough.
The loud noises, I am fairly certain I made contact with an alien race during my machine’s clanking that was surely heard out into the deep universe!
The tiny enclosed tube, I can only imagine too many people have felt like the fleshy roll of dough being forced back into its Pillsbury canister upon entry.
The cage locking your head in like a space suit helmet, and a table that feels like it’s laying on top of a bellowing alligators back. (If you do not know what an alligator bellow sounds like, treat yo self!) ⇓⇓⇓
Now I gotta say I am SO grateful for the headphones/Pandora station they offer during the procedure. Nothing like the relaxation of headphones so faint and full of static that you couldn’t possibly hear the music over the raucous machine surrounding you.
The best part is when the machine pauses for a second and you get drawn out of your sedated stupor by, the suddenly predominantly louder, “If I die young, lay me down in a bed of roses…” (you know…that cheerful diddy from 2010). If I could pick ONE song to never be included in my MRI playlists it would be that one. I’m just getting an MRI for god’s sake let’s slow the roll on the funeral music.
All in all this MRI went MUCH better than my first two. I am chalking it completely up to the sedatives I was given beforehand.
Seriously, a calm mind is absolutely vital when you are in a machine like that for two hours. If I gotta get that calm mind through the sedatives for now, than so be it.
I hope that anyone else who has a tough procedure/appointment today finds out just how brave they really are today! Sometimes the things that we deal with, with chronic illness and autoimmune diseases, are shitty. But that is just fine because Spoonies are some strong motherf*$‡%ers!
-A
Alix in Wonderland 