My healing comes in steady waves.
So inconspicuous it could go unnoticed if one wasn’t aware.
Like the second hand on an old clock
I tick slowly on, in minute and determined movements.
The forward movement is so small it could go unnoticed by the naked eye.
Until you glance away, and back again, and see how far I have already come.
Sometimes I forget that I am sick
My days fly by in flashes of orange and pink
I feel good, I forget that I have limits and I forget what is inside of me
I just feel normal.
And then I fall.
Walking down the stairs like I have done one thousand times before.
To a twenty-five-year-old the hand rail seems more like decoration than necessity.
Until my feet fall out from under me and my stomach drops
It seems to hit the ground long before my body does.
My phone goes flying across the room as my hands forget their previous task and grasp frantically at the underappreciated railing.
Water soaks into the carpet, and the dropped glass winks at me from the top of the stairs where we both fell, daring me to smile through the pain.
Sometimes, I forget that I am sick.
I don’t remember that my body cannot do some of the things it used to
My back hurts from the fall last week and my arms are speckled with bruises like an overripe pear.
I don’t forget to use the hand rails anymore.
When I look in the mirror, I see the same girl I’ve always known
I don’t see the lesions and I don’t see the pain.
Invisible Illness. That’s the name of my game.
The dark circles under my eyes
and constellation of bruises are all I have of physical proof.
I learn new things like to hold on tight when I am going down the stairs,
to rest when I am weak, and to cherish when I am not.
I remember to go slowly; my body can’t always keep up with what my brain has in mind.
I learn to laugh at the falls, and to not worry about the mistakes that I make.
Sometimes I forget that I am sick, but I never forget that I am strong.
-A
I was going a hundred miles down a road that I couldn’t see
I was fearfully and blindly grasping at the straws in front of me
Hoping for a light to shine and illuminate the way
The right choices for me to make and the right words for me to say
When you hit a bump and you’re going that fast it can cause a massive wreck
Standing in the middle of the highway of my mind, I was surrounded by the damage, a haunted feeling creeping up my spine.
My self-confidence was crumpled like the metal of damaged car
A person in a shell of nothing but some bruises and some scars.
Anxiety smacked me in the face like an airbag going off inside my heart
What was meant to keep me safe and well was now slowly tearing me apart.
I was constantly running, inside the dark parts of my mind,
Running from both past and future, terrified of what I might find.
My mind was playing both the roles in an epic game of “cat and mouse:”
What was once a place of comfort quickly darkened into a madhouse.
I was giving all my power to the fears inside my mind
Until the day I took a deep breath, one small step, and left it all behind.
The best part about the fear that can consume you from inside
is once you turn and face it, it always runs away and hides.
It doesn’t matter if you are little or very very large
When fear slips up right behind you, you are the one who is in charge.
Tell your fears you see them, and that everything’s all right.
Tell your worries that it’s all ok, you can focus on just making it through tonight.
You don’t have to face all of your battles in one almighty war.
You can take it day by day, finding peace and joy in small moments that you never saw before.
Anxiety likes to whisper small doubts into our ears.
Small seeds of fear and of incompetence that grow into monstrous fears.
If we focus on the negative, the evil and the sad
We will only see the darkness, not the blessings that we have.
No matter what your mind is telling you, things are going to turn out just fine.
And to truly enjoy the sun you have to endure some cloudy times.
On this journey for peace I have set upon, I have come to realize.
If there’s one thing you can be sure of it’s that anxiety lies.
Alix in Wonderland 