My healing comes in steady waves.
So inconspicuous it could go unnoticed if one wasn’t aware.
Like the second hand on an old clock
I tick slowly on, in minute and determined movements.
The forward movement is so small it could go unnoticed by the naked eye.
Until you glance away, and back again, and see how far I have already come.
I was going a hundred miles down a road that I couldn’t see
I was fearfully and blindly grasping at the straws in front of me
Hoping for a light to shine and illuminate the way
The right choices for me to make and the right words for me to say
When you hit a bump and you’re going that fast it can cause a massive wreck
Standing in the middle of the highway of my mind, I was surrounded by the damage, a haunted feeling creeping up my spine.
My self-confidence was crumpled like the metal of damaged car
A person in a shell of nothing but some bruises and some scars.
Anxiety smacked me in the face like an airbag going off inside my heart
What was meant to keep me safe and well was now slowly tearing me apart.
I was constantly running, inside the dark parts of my mind,
Running from both past and future, terrified of what I might find.
My mind was playing both the roles in an epic game of “cat and mouse:”
What was once a place of comfort quickly darkened into a madhouse.
I was giving all my power to the fears inside my mind
Until the day I took a deep breath, one small step, and left it all behind.
The best part about the fear that can consume you from inside
is once you turn and face it, it always runs away and hides.
It doesn’t matter if you are little or very very large
When fear slips up right behind you, you are the one who is in charge.
Tell your fears you see them, and that everything’s all right.
Tell your worries that it’s all ok, you can focus on just making it through tonight.
You don’t have to face all of your battles in one almighty war.
You can take it day by day, finding peace and joy in small moments that you never saw before.
Anxiety likes to whisper small doubts into our ears.
Small seeds of fear and of incompetence that grow into monstrous fears.
If we focus on the negative, the evil and the sad
We will only see the darkness, not the blessings that we have.
No matter what your mind is telling you, things are going to turn out just fine.
And to truly enjoy the sun you have to endure some cloudy times.
On this journey for peace I have set upon, I have come to realize.
If there’s one thing you can be sure of it’s that anxiety lies.
I have been a bit MIA the past couple of months when it comes to writing. It took me a while to decide that I wanted to share what was going on with me and has taken me even longer to figure out how to put it into words.
If you know me personally or have read any of my other works, you know that anxiety and mental health issues are something I have dealt with ever since I was a young teenager. Over the years I have gone to many therapists, tried many different medications, read many books, done countless meditations, and tried homeopathic remedies to try and “fix” my anxiety.
After my diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis about a year ago my anxiety really began to spiral out of control. What once was a small voice of worry in the back of my mind became a deafening roar that echoed violently off of the inside of my skull. Every day I felt like I was at war with my own mind. I was exhausted, I was losing hope, and I was scared.
About a month ago I started an intensive outpatient therapy program (meaning I go to treatment for 7 hours each day but go back home after treatment each evening) to finally address both my PTSD and anxiety. It was a difficult step to take, but one I knew was important for my mental health.
The treatment I am going through is called Prolonged Exposure Therapy (PE). PE has two parts to it:Imaginal Exposure- revisiting your traumatic event in detail with a therapist, speaking in the present tense, and then discussing and processing the imaginal exposure and your emotions etc. afterwards with the therapist.
The second part is In Vivo exposures. This means “in real life”. These exposures are confronting your fears both during programing and at home after programing each day. You work with your therapist to develop a range of all of your possible feared stimuli or situations (related to PTSD or another disorder, so it could be specific places, people or things that remind you of your trauma and cause panic and anxiety or trigger you in some way) and create a challenging but doable exercise to do repeatedly day after day, until it no longer causes you anxiety.
This process is called habituation and it is the gradual process of becoming accustomed to safe but uncomfortable situations that we once perceived as scary or dangerous. Once you habituate to a once feared stimuli you move on to the next thing on your fear hierarchy.
I am attending a program that focuses on Prolonged Exposure Therapy as well as Cognitive BehavioralTherapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Experiential Therapy(ET) and medication management.
This treatment has been one of the most exhausting, terrifying, empowering, healing, and intense experiences of my life. I am not going to lie and say it’s easy, but I will say it works.
It’s hard. I mean really, really hard, but it is so worth it in the long run. Beginning to free myself from the heavy weights of anxiety and panic that I have been dragging around for so long is so invigorating!
It is both intimidating and self-empowering to wake up every day and face my biggest fears. To look my demons in the eye and tell them to fuck off. To learn to trust and love my own mind again.
I didn’t write for a while as I started this treatment program. Writing is very emotional for me and when I write a lot of my heart pours out onto the pages. I wasn’t ready to write in the beginning of treatment. I just had too many thoughts, fears, anxieties, and emotions to even begin to put them into words, let alone share them with anyone but my therapist.
But then one day I picked up a pen and wrote something that sort of encompasses what I have learned so far from this program and what I am continuing to learn and work on every single day. A Poem entitled : The Wave.
It took a while, but I have finally started to feel like myself again.
For anyone dealing with mental health issues or trauma, I know what you’re feeling. I know how scary, and lonely, and exhausting it can be to fight with your own thoughts every day. I know how far away happiness can feel at times, and I know that it may seem like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
But this is a gentle reminder that there is.
That you are not alone. That you are strong, even if you feel broken. It’s ok to feel what you are feeling, whatever it may be! Your emotions are valid and none of them are “bad”. Be accepting of your emotions and thoughts, but you don’t have to let them control your actions. You get to do that!
It felt important to share this with you all because too often people find themselves ashamed to admit they are struggling with a mental health issue. Once we start looking, however, we will realize that there are so many people out there who are feeling the same things as you are. Take comfort in knowing that we are all human and we all experience both good and bad in our lives. You are not alone, you are not “sick” and you are not crazy.
You are grounded. You are loved. And you are enough.
-A
It feels a thousand years ago
I started on this daunting path
With shaking hands and wild eyes,
Still picking up the broken pieces of the aftermath.
What had felt like an impossible feat
Has already begun to come to pass
And the healing that seemed so far away
Came like a wave crashing over me so fast.
Once I accepted where I was
And stopped trying to control the entire game
I found that were I was, was enough
And my life was waiting there for me to come reclaim.
The part of me that’s hurt is still there
It just doesn’t sting so bad.
I’ve learned to trust myself again,
A self-love I’ve never had.
The fear still creeps up on me
every now and then,
It’s breath hot and sticky
breathing down upon my neck
But instead of curling up to hide
I look that fear right in the eye,
And tell it to back right off
Because I get to decide.
What is scary, what is dangerous,
What’s worth the adventure and the risk.
That anything life throws at me
Together my heart and mind can fix.
It’s a very scary war to wage,
The one inside your head.
It takes a special kind of brave to speak of your demons
To utter words that long have gone unsaid.
Anxiety, OCD, Depression
and so much more.
Just the tip of an iceberg of issues
That the world’s learned to ignore.
It’s time we change the stigma, shed a little light.
Mental illness does not make you weak.
It makes you very strong.
And it takes a very brave soul
to ask for help when things go wrong.
So, the woman who feels hopeless,
Or the man who feels so lost but is afraid to say
Are nothing short of warriors
Donning armor and walking into battle every day.
So, when you feel the weight crushing down upon your chest,
Remember both the bad and good are but fleeting states at best.
You will learn to cherish every emotion your heart has had and each lesson that life gave,
Once you take a risk to swim and learn to love to ride the wave.
What do you think of when you think the word ‘Brave’?
Do you think of knights or warriors or heroes in capes?
Or do you think of everyday people of all sizes and all shapes?
Brave is waking up each morning, willing to face the challenges of the day.
It is looking your problems in the face, but never backing down.
It is letting a smile sneak through when all your heart can do is frown.
Brave is walking through a valley of fear and doubt and pain.
It is silencing all of the ‘what if’s” smacking around inside your brain.
And somehow calming the restless and anxious soul and letting a racing mind unwind.
Brave is showing up to the doctor’s appointment
Even though you are afraid of what they might find.
It is learning to leave the demons of your past behind.
Brave is taking a deep breath in… and letting it out again.
Brave is admitting when you need help, that you can’t do it on your own.
It is making it through the night when it’s dark and you’re all alone.
Brave is smiling through the tears that are streaming down your face.
And cracking jokes in hospital rooms to ease your loved one’s fear.
Brave is accepting words of help, even when it’s not what you want to hear.
Brave is pulling yourself back up to standing, after you’ve taken your hundredth fall.
It is not beating yourself up for the times you showed your pain.
Brave does not mean that you are not scared, that your heart does not race,
and your hands don’t shake, they do.
Brave is feeling all of the fear and stepping forward anyways.
Brave is one foot in front of the other, one step at a time.
Brave is being patient for the change you need, trusting that the stars will align.
Brave can look at you with fear in her eyes, a quiver in her voice.
Brave can break down and be a monstrous mess
But brave knows that eventually, life will coalesce.
Brave is the woman at the clinic, or the man who limps slowly down the street.
Brave is the family in the waiting room, or the patient in the bed.
Brave is the battles we have won in the past, and the ones that lay ahead.
Brave is falling into bed after a hellish kind of day.
And telling yourself that even though it was so hard, it’s going to be ok.
Braving is reminding yourself that tomorrow is a brand new day.
Brave doesn’t always shock and awe.
Brave can be quite simple and quite small.
And sometimes those little tiny steps are the bravest of them all.
-A
October 10th is World Mental Health Day. I talk a lot about mental health on my blog. I have been affected by mental illness since I was a teenager. Growing up, my parents were very open about mental health and, having experienced anxiety and depression first hand, were able to recognize when I started exhibiting signs of anxiety and depression when I was around fifteen years old.
I have come to realize that not everyone grows up in an environment where mental health is talked about in a very open and honest way. There are many people out there who have no idea that they are not alone in feelings of sadness, or fear or hopelessness. People who have no idea that there is a whole network of people out there dedicated to helping those with mental health issues and getting them to a place where they can enjoy their lives again. Today is about shedding light on mental health and ending the stigma that seeking help for your mental health issues is something to be ashamed of.
One thing I have noticed that concerns me is the trend of “pill shaming”. The idea that there is something wrong with people if they are taking medication to help manage their mental health. If you had a physical illness and there was a medication available to you that would make you feel better would you stop for one second to wonder “what will people think if I take this medication?”…nope! You would take the meds, and get better! So there is no shame in seeking help from a medical professional if you suspect that you are struggling from anxiety or depression. They are there to help you, and they can help.
Now, I am not saying that there is a magical pill out there that will just cure your anxiety or your depression. There are many tools that I have added to my proverbial tool belt to help me combat my anxiety problems. To name a few; Meditation, Self Care, Writing (my personal writing as well as blogging), Eating Healthy, Counseling, Regular Exercise
One of the techniques that has helped me the most, not just during panic attacks, but also during physical discomfort from MS, illness, etc. is meditation.
I was recently watching an episode of “In Search Of” hosted by Zachary Quinto and they were searching for the answers to how some people are able to exhibit super human strength or feats during periods of meditation.
He was specifically looking at a Shaolin warrior monk who through meditation, is able to complete tasks that would usually leave a human seriously injured. However this monk walks away with not even a scratch to be seen. For example, in this episode the Shaolin warrior monk breaks a wooden staff* over his head. He never loses consciousness, finches, and claims to feel no pain whatsoever!
In search of (haha get it?) an answer as to how this monk is able to endure these superhuman feats Zachary, the monk, and one other person conduct an experiment where they took two MRI scans of their brains. The first scan was a regular scan, but during the second scan the men were asked to put their hand in extremely cold ice water. They were specifically looking for the area of the brain that recognizes pain to light up.
As suspected, when Zachary Quinto put his hand into the ice water his scan showed the pain receptor area of his brain lighting up like a Christmas tree. But when the monk did this same test, while meditating and centering himself into a place a of tranquility, his scan showed extremely limited activity in the pain receptor area of the brain!
Even more interesting, Zachary went into the MRI machine one more time to test just how successful he could be at lowering his pain level through meditation. His scan, while meditating, noted a significant decrease in activity in the pain center of the brain.
Even the doctor who was helping them conduct this tests were baffled at how affective meditation was at physically changing the way our bodies received and reacted to pain!
I have not been feeling great with a stomach bug the past few days and I have found meditation extremely helpful to help ease my discomfort. Sometimes, if your discomfort is too high to even concentrate on a full meditation even just focusing on your breathing can help. “In…two…three…four…out…two…three…for”. That phrase has gotten me through many a tough moment over the past year.
So today if you are struggling with a battle against mental illness, or if you know someone who is, let us all remember that there is always hope, there is always light, and there is an army of people around you (including me!) that are cheering you on and supporting you every step of your journey!
Let’s share some positive vibes today.
-A
Anxiety is the most common mental illness in the United States. It affects over 40 million adults a year just in the U.S. alone.
The sad part is that well under 50% of people with anxiety seek treatment for it.
Anxiety is very different from simply feeling anxious. Everyone feels anxious at times in their life. It is completely normal and healthy to feel anxious before a big test, a job interview or airplane flight. Anxiety is your body’s way of taking care of you. It’s way of saying “Hey! This could be “dangerous”. We should be careful!” It’s a primal instinct that we all use to this day. The issue arises when you cannot shut off that anxious feeling after the test is over and the flight has landed long ago. It becomes an issue when day-to-day things like making a phone call or riding in a car send you into a panic attack. It becomes an issue when you are no longer in control of your life, anxiety is.
There are different types of anxiety disorders. Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Panic Attack Disorder, and Social Anxiety are just a few of the most common.
There is a sort of taboo around mental illness. I do think that our society has made some very positive steps forward regarding shining a light on mental health issues and taking away some of the stigma around it. We need to talk about it. We cannot ignore our mental health any longer.
I remember, way back in my freshman year of high school, a classmate of mine confided in me that she was going to kill herself that night. She made me promise not to tell anyone and said she would hate me forever if I did.
I confided in my best friend and we were so scared for this girl that we knew we couldn’t keep this secret. We told the crisis help group at our high school. The next class period the classmate who had confided in me was taken out of the classroom by a counselor. She did not kill herself, but she did keep her promise to hate me from that point forward.
I was absolutely wracked with guilt. I felt like I had broken someone’s trust and done something wrong. I recall talking to a priest about it at one point soon after. He said something that has stuck with me my whole life. He said;
“There is nothing bad about what you did. Evil thrives in darkness. What you did was shine a light on it so it could not thrive anymore. Sometimes shining a light is all you can do.”
So I have continued to try to shine a light on mental illness. For too long it has thrived in the darkness, hidden in the shadows and only spoken about in hushed tones. Well, times up. Not anymore.
Please, reach out to your loved ones. Check in with them and make sure they are doing ok. If you are feeling anxious or depressed or just “off” tell someone! If you don’t feel like you have someone you can tell, reach out to your local crisis hotline.
You are not alone. You are worth it. You are stronger than you know. Together we can shine a light on mental illness and help each other find the help that we need! Stand strong, warrior.
-A
Alix in Wonderland 