A Poem for a Pandemic

The geese trust their instinct to fly south every fall.

The flower trusts the sun to return again in spring.

The tree trusts it’s leaves to grow back again each year.

So I can trust that this will end, despite this constant fear.

The cat trusts it’s bowl will be filled.

The bee trusts that each day there will be busy work to do.

The stars trust the moon to glow next to them each night.

So I can trust my body to be strong enough to win this fight.

A lover trusts another with their very heart.

The baby trusts his mother to tuck him in each night.

The fish can trust the ocean and ride the currents that pass through.

So I can trust that this strange nightmare will pass for me too.

The dog trusts that his master will return home at the end of every day.

The earth trusts the sun to hold us in her mighty pull.

A farmer trusts the rain to come and quench his parched field in his time of need.

And the birds trust, that even in the fiercest storms, the branch they built their home on will not bend.

So I can trust that we will come out of this ok, maybe even stronger in the end.

-A

5 Facts About My Anxiety

Anxiety is the most common mental illness in the United States. It affects over 40 million adults a year just in the U.S. alone.

The sad part is that well under 50% of people with anxiety seek treatment for it.

Anxiety is very different from simply feeling anxious. Everyone feels anxious at times in their life. It is completely normal and healthy to feel anxious before a big test, a job interview or airplane flight. Anxiety is your body’s way of taking care of you. It’s way of saying “Hey! This could be “dangerous”. We should be careful!” It’s a primal instinct that we all use to this day. The issue arises when you cannot shut off that anxious feeling after the test is over and the flight has landed long ago. It becomes an issue when day-to-day things like making a phone call or riding in a car send you into a panic attack. It becomes an issue when you are no longer in control of your life, anxiety is.

There are different types of anxiety disorders. Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Panic Attack Disorder, and Social Anxiety are just a few of the most common.

There is a sort of taboo around mental illness. I do think that our society has made some very positive steps forward regarding shining a light on mental health issues and taking away some of the stigma around it. We need to talk about it. We cannot ignore our mental health any longer.

I remember, way back in my freshman year of high school, a classmate of mine confided in me that she was going to kill herself that night. She made me promise not to tell anyone and said she would hate me forever if I did.

I confided in my best friend and we were so scared for this girl that we knew we couldn’t keep this secret. We told the crisis help group at our high school. The next class period the classmate who had confided in me was taken out of the classroom by a counselor. She did not kill herself, but she did keep her promise to hate me from that point forward.

I was absolutely wracked with guilt. I felt like I had broken someone’s trust and done something wrong. I recall talking to a priest about it at one point soon after. He said something that has stuck with me my whole life. He said;

“There is nothing bad about what you did. Evil thrives in darkness. What you did was shine a light on it so it could not thrive anymore. Sometimes shining a light is all you can do.”

So I have continued to try to shine a light on mental illness. For too long it has thrived in the darkness, hidden in the shadows and only spoken about in hushed tones. Well, times up. Not anymore.

1. My anxiety makes me physically ill. Anxiety doesn’t always manifest in the “classic” way that one would think it would. For me my symptoms of anxiety can range from trouble breathing, shaking, shivering, flushing, nausea, headaches, vomiting, inability to focus, panic attacks and more.
2. My anxiety makes me flakey. This is something I really do not like about my anxiety. I absolutely hate that there is a fear inside me that is powerful enough to make me want to cancel on things I want to do. I have been working on this a lot lately. Having a chronic illness, I am constantly having to check in with myself to see if my symptoms are from MS or Anxiety. I can usually tell, it’s funny, I can actually tell the difference between an anxiety stomach ache and an actual stomach flu stomach ache. When I feel sick from it I try to acknowledge to myself that what I am feeling is anxiety and that is OK. Acknowledging it is half the battle.
3. My anxiety makes me lash out. I am not proud of this. Sometimes I will not even realize that my anxiety is bubbling up inside me, coming dangerously close to boiling over. Then someone will ask an innocent question, or my dog will bark to try to get my attention and I will snap and say something with a sharp tone, or make some snarky response. I immediately feel guilt and know that I am not really angry at that person, or mad at my dog. I am anxious and, like a wounded animal trapped in a corner, I have lashed out. Then, I have to remind myself that I can leave that corner whenever I want to. Anxiety is not in control of my actions, I am. 
4. I see two doctors, take 4 medications and meditate daily to help manage my anxiety. I cannot emphasize enough how important my mental health care team has been to me. They have helped me navigate and understand my illness. They have given me coping strategies and techniques to help me during panic attacks. They have made me realize I am not at all alone in this fight. My psychiatrist has helped me navigate that difficult world of finding the right medications for my body chemistry to help me find balance. If you suffer from a mental illness and have not talked to someone about it please reach out to your local crisis hotline. They can help direct you to a licensed therapist or psychiatrist in your area to get you the help you need. You do not have to fight this alone. You are not alone!
5. I am not ashamed of my anxiety. Yes, it is a part of my life (sometimes a very big part) but it does not define me. I talk about my anxiety so publicly because I know there are people out there, silently suffering, and they need to know that there is nothing to be ashamed of. They need to know that there is a rainbow at the end of the storm. They need to know that help is out there, all you have to do is ask.

Please, reach out to your loved ones. Check in with them and make sure they are doing ok. If you are feeling anxious or depressed or just “off” tell someone! If you don’t feel like you have someone you can tell, reach out to your local crisis hotline.

You are not alone. You are worth it. You are stronger than you know. Together we can shine a light on mental illness and help each other find the help that we need! Stand strong, warrior.

-A

 

When you realize a weed is actually a flower…

As I write today I have blisters and scratches all over my hands. I spent the morning outside weeding the front garden. As new homeowners, my husband and I are constantly surprised by things we never realized came along with owning a house. Things like having to call your first extermination service because there is a wasp infestation in your deck railings. Or the first time the upstairs toilet overflows. Or realizing that if you open the upstairs bedroom and bathroom windows at the same time your upstairs doors will all slam shut and scare the poops out of you! All of those lovely, first time homeowner memories will be cherished forever, I’m sure.

We bought our house in the fall last year, so we didn’t really get to see what the trees, flowers, plants around the house looked like in full bloom. Much to my surprise this spring, once our yard finally emerged from its icy blanket of snow I realized that we have quite the little garden started in our front yard! Unfortunately for said garden it took me about a month to realize that the plants growing were in fact intentional, not weeds. Now that I have realized my error (sorry flowers!) I decided it was time to get to work on weeding my garden and cleaning up the front of our house.

Again, knowing nothing about gardening I learned a very important lesson that I shall pass on to my children and my children’s children.

“When one weeds their garden, one must wear gloves, lest their hands will harden”. – A less wise me

Yep, once these blisters heal I intend on having some nice calloused hands to show off my gardening status!

Beginner…the status is beginner.

No matter, I am still proud of the work that I did today. It was hard, physical work, but in a way it was deeply cathartic. Yesterday we buried my husbands grandfather. It was a day full of family, sorrow, memories and love. It was truly a beautiful reminder of what is important in life. Faith, family and love.

As I was weeding the garden, early this morning, I couldn’t help but think. I thought about the past, namely the day before. I prayed for my husbands grandmother and the rest of the family as they process their grief and loss,  and that they will feel a healing in their souls.

I also thought about the present. As I continued to weed the garden the my body began to ache, it was getting warmer and I could feel my fatigue starting to take its toll. But each time I looked at my progress I felt such a sense of accomplishment that I forgot how tired I was. I forgot how easy it would be to just go inside and do this another day.

In those moments I felt weak I was finding comfort and strength in helping another living thing. By clearing out the dead branches and leaves around the roots of the plants to help them better grow. I felt comforted by watering the flowers as the hot sun threatened them and by sweeping off the path walking up to our front door, creating a welcoming pathway.

By the way, while I was doing this I found and AMAZING pink rock. It’s a bit bigger than my fist and beautiful. I put it on our front step. Talk about good energies!

 

Even though the work was tiring and physically demanding, it energized me to be taking care of nature and allowing myself to only worry about one task at a time.

I think that we can think of our own minds as a garden. We need to nourish it, feed it, and care for it to help it grow. And it won’t always be butterflies and rainbows. It tough work. But good work.

Whether it be through reading, writing, gardening, doing an activity you enjoy or learning about a new subject that interests you, I think it is important to keep growing our minds, no matter how stressful or how busy our lives get. We need to remember to take the time to stop and ask ourselves how we are doing. Check in with your body and mind and give it the care it needs! And always remember that you are not alone. There are always people who care about you and appreciate you and think of you. Even if you don’t know it.

I am wishing everyone peaceful minds today and an evening full of love and comfort.

-A

 

The Tides of Life

The Future is a silly thing

She dances in and out of view

Once you think you know   what she’s to bring

She’ll leap and switch it up on you.

 

Her very best friend, I speak of Fate,

Is strange and wise and full of truth

Though many minds obsess   and fixate

He’ll only reveal himself    in time to you.

 

No use in trying to change Destiny’s mind

For she cares not for mortal whims

And any man who tries will find

That when chasing the future

You leave the present behind.

 

The simple moments we discard too soon

The memories we forgot to store away

Someday I’ll search the corners of my mind, where you lay strewn,

And find a special place    where you can always stay.

 

For in the darkest night we find

That though the uncertain dance of Future, Fate and Destiny confuse

Our hardest times help to define

The truest path for us to choose.

 

Just put your faith in those above

And trust our angels to watch down

And guide us to live lives full of love

For those who we remember are never gone.

 

And when the tides of life are rough

I’ll stand ashore, right next to you

And slip my hand though yours,     you say “that it’s enough,

The tides have got to change for us”

 

The tides will change, they always do

The sun will surely shine again

And when it does I’ll still be here

Standing with you, until the very end.

 

-A