Are You Haunted?

When I was growing up I was always so afraid of the idea of being haunted. I was terrified of demons and ghosts and all of the things that go bump in the night. I avoided horror movies like the plague and a ouija board could send me running from a house like a bat out of hell.

But as I grew older I started to realize that it wasn’t the literal ghosts and ghouls that I needed to be afraid of haunting me. I stopped being so afraid of “getting haunted” when I realized that I already was.

I think we are all haunted.

We are haunted by the ghosts of our past. By the things we won’t let go. We are haunted by our “what if’s” and “if only’s”. But unlike most spooky stories it’s not the ghosts that need to move on, it’s us.

I am learning that it is good to remember your past. It is good to learn from your mistakes and remember the moments that made us strong.

But not if they are haunting us.

At a certain point it is ok to let go. To let go of the negative parts of our past. It is ok to let go of anger we have been holding onto for years. It is ok to forgive people who have wronged us. It is ok to let go of your ghosts and slowly let them fade away. It is ok to acknowledge that your past made you the person you are today, but it does not necessarily define your future.

The past does not necessarily set the tone for your entire life. You do! Hold onto the happy and let go of the bad.

I hope that everyone has a very happy and safe Halloween, full of positive energy and making joyful memories!

-A

Chad and I dressed as Hogwarts Students this year for Halloween! I’m only a little obsessed. 

Chad and I carved Harry Potter themed pumpkins this year! 

Fall is Here

The air is cold, it bites my skin.

And the trees have shed their leaves again.

The colors have changed from greens to reds and browns.

And my footsteps crunch on the frozen ground.

 

Children wait at bus stops, bundled up from head to toe.

The thermostat was switched from ‘air’ to ‘heat’ not that long ago.

My breath turns to an icy cloud in front of my eyes.

And not even the dog wants to go outside.

 

In the evening, the smell of campfire smoke fills the autumn air.

And summer blooms are covered, or brought safely inside with care.

The windows stay shut tight, to keep the cold away.

And the once blue skies settle into a chilly hue of grey.

 

Inside houses start to smell like spices, sweets, and cheer.

As families travel to each other, to hold their loved ones near.

And though outside, the warmth quickly disappears,

Inside our hearts are toasty warm, because fall is finally here!

 

 

 

Brave

What do you think of when you think the word ‘Brave’?

Do you think of knights or warriors or heroes in capes?

Or do you think of everyday people of all sizes and all shapes?

 

Brave is waking up each morning, willing to face the challenges of the day.

It is looking your problems in the face, but never backing down.

It is letting a smile sneak through when all your heart can do is frown.

 

Brave is walking through a valley of fear and doubt and pain.

It is silencing all of the ‘what if’s” smacking around inside your brain.

And somehow calming the restless and anxious soul and letting a racing mind unwind.

 

Brave is showing up to the doctor’s appointment

Even though you are afraid of what they might find.

It is learning to leave the demons of your past behind.

 

Brave is taking a deep breath in… and letting it out again.

Brave is admitting when you need help, that you can’t do it on your own.

It is making it through the night when it’s dark and you’re all alone.

 

Brave is smiling through the tears that are streaming down your face.

And cracking jokes in hospital rooms to ease your loved one’s fear.

Brave is accepting words of help, even when it’s not what you want to hear.

 

Brave is pulling yourself back up to standing, after you’ve taken your hundredth fall.

It is not beating yourself up for the times you showed your pain.

Brave does not mean that you are not scared, that your heart does not race,

and your hands don’t shake, they do.

 

Brave is feeling all of the fear and stepping forward anyways.

Brave is one foot in front of the other, one step at a time.

Brave is being patient for the change you need, trusting that the stars will align.

 

Brave can look at you with fear in her eyes, a quiver in her voice.

Brave can break down and be a monstrous mess

But brave knows that eventually, life will coalesce.

 

Brave is the woman at the clinic, or the man who limps slowly down the street.

Brave is the family in the waiting room, or the patient in the bed.

Brave is the battles we have won in the past, and the ones that lay ahead.

 

Brave is falling into bed after a hellish kind of day.

And telling yourself that even though it was so hard, it’s going to be ok.

Braving is reminding yourself that tomorrow is a brand new day.

 

Brave doesn’t always shock and awe.

Brave can be quite simple and quite small.

And sometimes those little tiny steps are the bravest of them all.

-A

A Perfect Storm

The past two weeks have been rough. Very rough. It’s taken me a while to even work up the courage to write this post.

Two weeks ago I started feeling really crummy. I came down with some sort of stomach bug. It sucked, but it was just a stomach bug, I knew it would end. A few days passed…and then a few more. Before I knew it I had been down and out for a solid week. I woke up that next morning to something that I had never experienced before. My whole body was shaking. It wasn’t just shivering, it was violent, uncontrollable shakes wracking through my entire body. I would later find out that this phenominon is called Rigors.

At first my husband and I thought I was just cold. We cranked up the heat, layered clothes onto me, and piled on the blankets. But the shaking just continued. In fact, it got worse. The next day I emailed my doctor asking for advice. I’ve had chills before when I have had the flu, but never like that. My doctor suggested that I be seen that day.

I went in, got some meds. They did some tests and assured me that I had an infection and with some antibiotics I would be fine. Fast forward two days and I could barely walk anymore. My body was exhausted, I was exhausted, and to be honest, I was scared. Really scared.

I ended up spending the day in ER getting fluids and more tests than I could count. Again, they ruled out everything (this time also ruling out an infection, and advising me to stop taking the antibiotics). My heart rate was high, and I was running fever so the ER doc gave me the option of going home and trying to rest, or being admitted overnight for observation. I chose to go home, and try to get some sleep. I felt like that was what my body was needing the most. Looking back, I wish I had stayed.

Two days later I was back in the ER for more fluids and tests. This time I was put on a drug combination of Reglan and Benadryl. The Reglan to help with nausea, the Benadryl to help counteract the side effects of the Reglan. I was so tired of being sick at this point, that I didn’t even question what these side effects could be.

“Reglan can make you a little restless.” The doctor had said.

Well, it did. But it was manageable for the first day. I felt uncomfortably wired, but the Benadryl took the edge off. But that night I barely slept. I had the worst Insomnia of my life. The next morning it only got worse.

I started feeling incredibly anxious. I didn’t feel like myself at all. I could feel every racing beat of my heart pounding against my ribcage and rattling my entire chest. I couldn’t focus on anything, I couldn’t stop moving. I felt like I was dying.

It turns out I was having a severe adverse reaction to the Reglan. My heart rate continued to run high and my body was going completely haywire. It was worse than anything I have ever felt, including from Steroid Infusion Therapy, which anyone who has had done can tell you is not a ride in the park.

I was scared before, now I was terrified.

I ended up being admitted to the hospital due to the extreme adverse reaction to Reglan. Luckily I was able to go home the next day. It’s been four days since I last took the Reglan (and I only took it for one day) and I am still having waves of extreme anxiety and racing heart, although less frequently and intense each day.

It turns out this is not an unheard of reaction to the drug. Although uncommon, it can cause this type of response in some people. My chart now has Reglan listed under my drug allergies.

These past two weeks are a blur of pain, fear, stress, anxiety and tears. I’m having a hard time moving past these painful memories. I know that it is in the past, and that I will never take that drug again so I will never have that reaction to it again, but I am still scared.

It is hard to admit that I am shaken, that I wasn’t able to just bounce right back like I usually do. It’s not easy to talk about things that caused such pain. And it is definitely not easy to look this kind of anxiety in the face and tell it to fuck off.

But admitting I am scared is nothing to be ashamed of as long I don’t give up. As long as I keep my head up and keep moving forward. As hard as the past two weeks have been, I did make it through.

I proved to myself that my body and my mind are strong. No, they are not perfect. But they can take a few punches and stand up again. I might not stand up gracefully, or quickly but I will  stand.

So with shaking hands, but a determined heart I look forward to a new week full of smiles, healing, positivity and growth.

-A

 

Word Mental Health Day

October 10th is World Mental Health Day. I talk a lot about mental health on my blog. I have been affected by mental illness since I was a teenager. Growing up, my parents were very open about mental health and, having experienced anxiety and depression first hand, were able to recognize when I started exhibiting signs of anxiety and depression when I was around fifteen years old.

I have come to realize that not everyone grows up in an environment where mental health is talked about in a very open and honest way. There are many people out there who have no idea that they are not alone in feelings of sadness, or fear or hopelessness. People who have no idea that there is a whole network of people out there dedicated to helping those with mental health issues and getting them to a place where they can enjoy their lives again. Today is about shedding light on mental health and ending the stigma that seeking help for your mental health issues is something to be ashamed of.

One thing I have noticed that concerns me is the trend of “pill shaming”. The idea that there is something wrong with people if they are taking medication to help manage their mental health. If you had a physical illness and there was a medication available to you that would make you feel better would you stop for one second to wonder “what will people think if I take this medication?”…nope! You would take the meds, and get better! So there is no shame in seeking help from a medical professional if you suspect that you are struggling from anxiety or depression. They are there to help you, and they can help.

Now, I am not saying that there is a magical pill out there that will just cure your anxiety or your depression. There are many tools that I have added to my proverbial tool belt to help me combat my anxiety problems. To name a few; Meditation, Self Care, Writing (my personal writing as well as blogging), Eating Healthy, Counseling, Regular Exercise

One of the techniques that has helped me the most, not just during panic attacks, but also during physical discomfort from MS, illness, etc. is meditation.

I was recently watching an episode of “In Search Of” hosted by Zachary Quinto and they were searching for the answers to how some people are able to exhibit super human strength or feats during periods of meditation.

He was specifically looking at a Shaolin warrior monk who through meditation, is able to complete tasks that would usually leave a human seriously injured. However this monk walks away with not even a scratch to be seen. For example, in this episode the Shaolin warrior monk breaks a wooden staff* over his head. He never loses consciousness, finches, and claims to feel no pain whatsoever!

*** No matter how good you are at meditation I am NOT recommending you do this…unless you are a Shaolin warrior monk…then I guess go ahead.

In search of (haha get it?) an answer as to how this monk is able to endure these superhuman feats Zachary, the monk, and one other person conduct an experiment where they took two MRI scans of their brains. The first scan was a regular scan, but during the second scan the men were asked to put their hand in extremely cold ice water. They were specifically looking for the area of the brain that recognizes pain to light up.

As suspected, when Zachary Quinto put his hand into the ice water his scan showed the pain receptor area of his brain lighting up like a Christmas tree. But when the monk did this same test, while meditating and centering himself into a place a of tranquility, his scan showed extremely limited activity in the pain receptor area of the brain!

Even more interesting, Zachary went into the MRI machine one more time to test just how successful he could be at lowering his pain level through meditation. His scan, while meditating, noted a significant decrease in activity in the pain center of the brain.

Even the doctor who was helping them conduct this tests were baffled at how affective meditation was at physically changing the way our bodies received and reacted to pain!

I have not been feeling great with a stomach bug the past few days and I have found meditation extremely helpful to help ease my discomfort. Sometimes, if your discomfort is too high to even concentrate on a full meditation even just focusing on your breathing can help. “In…two…three…four…out…two…three…for”. That phrase has gotten me through many a tough moment over the past year.

So today if you are struggling with a battle against mental illness, or if you know someone who is, let us all remember that there is always hope, there is always light, and there is an army of people around you (including me!) that are cheering you on and supporting you every step of your journey!

Let’s share some positive vibes today.

-A

 

 

 

🤧

I have been a terrible blogger the past couple of weeks. As in…I have not blogged.

I have been sick for over a week now with some sort of cold. Before MS a cold was no fun and made me feel like crap, but I feel like after a couple of days I would bounce back and just have a stuffy nose or other minor symptoms. That is NOT the case with this cold. I have been feeling solidly ill for the entire week.

Fellow MS’ers, have you experienced an increase of severity in your cold/flu symptoms since your diagnoses? Other than loading up on meds, what are your tips and tricks for when you are “down and out” due to illness?

I have been meaning to write a blog post every day this week, but I have just been so fatigued I haven’t been able to write much at all, let alone anything to post! I am hoping to bounce back from this sickness soon and I will think of something really special to write about!

I just wanted to check in with all of my friends on the blogosphere and wish you all a happy Monday.

I hope you are all staying warm (for my fellow northerners) and cozy today!

 

🤒 – A