My healing comes in steady waves.
So inconspicuous it could go unnoticed if one wasn’t aware.
Like the second hand on an old clock
I tick slowly on, in minute and determined movements.
The forward movement is so small it could go unnoticed by the naked eye.
Until you glance away, and back again, and see how far I have already come.
I have been a bit MIA the past couple of months when it comes to writing. It took me a while to decide that I wanted to share what was going on with me and has taken me even longer to figure out how to put it into words.
If you know me personally or have read any of my other works, you know that anxiety and mental health issues are something I have dealt with ever since I was a young teenager. Over the years I have gone to many therapists, tried many different medications, read many books, done countless meditations, and tried homeopathic remedies to try and “fix” my anxiety.
After my diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis about a year ago my anxiety really began to spiral out of control. What once was a small voice of worry in the back of my mind became a deafening roar that echoed violently off of the inside of my skull. Every day I felt like I was at war with my own mind. I was exhausted, I was losing hope, and I was scared.
About a month ago I started an intensive outpatient therapy program (meaning I go to treatment for 7 hours each day but go back home after treatment each evening) to finally address both my PTSD and anxiety. It was a difficult step to take, but one I knew was important for my mental health.
The treatment I am going through is called Prolonged Exposure Therapy (PE). PE has two parts to it:Imaginal Exposure- revisiting your traumatic event in detail with a therapist, speaking in the present tense, and then discussing and processing the imaginal exposure and your emotions etc. afterwards with the therapist.
The second part is In Vivo exposures. This means “in real life”. These exposures are confronting your fears both during programing and at home after programing each day. You work with your therapist to develop a range of all of your possible feared stimuli or situations (related to PTSD or another disorder, so it could be specific places, people or things that remind you of your trauma and cause panic and anxiety or trigger you in some way) and create a challenging but doable exercise to do repeatedly day after day, until it no longer causes you anxiety.
This process is called habituation and it is the gradual process of becoming accustomed to safe but uncomfortable situations that we once perceived as scary or dangerous. Once you habituate to a once feared stimuli you move on to the next thing on your fear hierarchy.
I am attending a program that focuses on Prolonged Exposure Therapy as well as Cognitive BehavioralTherapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Experiential Therapy(ET) and medication management.
This treatment has been one of the most exhausting, terrifying, empowering, healing, and intense experiences of my life. I am not going to lie and say it’s easy, but I will say it works.
It’s hard. I mean really, really hard, but it is so worth it in the long run. Beginning to free myself from the heavy weights of anxiety and panic that I have been dragging around for so long is so invigorating!
It is both intimidating and self-empowering to wake up every day and face my biggest fears. To look my demons in the eye and tell them to fuck off. To learn to trust and love my own mind again.
I didn’t write for a while as I started this treatment program. Writing is very emotional for me and when I write a lot of my heart pours out onto the pages. I wasn’t ready to write in the beginning of treatment. I just had too many thoughts, fears, anxieties, and emotions to even begin to put them into words, let alone share them with anyone but my therapist.
But then one day I picked up a pen and wrote something that sort of encompasses what I have learned so far from this program and what I am continuing to learn and work on every single day. A Poem entitled : The Wave.
It took a while, but I have finally started to feel like myself again.
For anyone dealing with mental health issues or trauma, I know what you’re feeling. I know how scary, and lonely, and exhausting it can be to fight with your own thoughts every day. I know how far away happiness can feel at times, and I know that it may seem like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
But this is a gentle reminder that there is.
That you are not alone. That you are strong, even if you feel broken. It’s ok to feel what you are feeling, whatever it may be! Your emotions are valid and none of them are “bad”. Be accepting of your emotions and thoughts, but you don’t have to let them control your actions. You get to do that!
It felt important to share this with you all because too often people find themselves ashamed to admit they are struggling with a mental health issue. Once we start looking, however, we will realize that there are so many people out there who are feeling the same things as you are. Take comfort in knowing that we are all human and we all experience both good and bad in our lives. You are not alone, you are not “sick” and you are not crazy.
You are grounded. You are loved. And you are enough.
-A
It feels a thousand years ago
I started on this daunting path
With shaking hands and wild eyes,
Still picking up the broken pieces of the aftermath.
What had felt like an impossible feat
Has already begun to come to pass
And the healing that seemed so far away
Came like a wave crashing over me so fast.
Once I accepted where I was
And stopped trying to control the entire game
I found that were I was, was enough
And my life was waiting there for me to come reclaim.
The part of me that’s hurt is still there
It just doesn’t sting so bad.
I’ve learned to trust myself again,
A self-love I’ve never had.
The fear still creeps up on me
every now and then,
It’s breath hot and sticky
breathing down upon my neck
But instead of curling up to hide
I look that fear right in the eye,
And tell it to back right off
Because I get to decide.
What is scary, what is dangerous,
What’s worth the adventure and the risk.
That anything life throws at me
Together my heart and mind can fix.
It’s a very scary war to wage,
The one inside your head.
It takes a special kind of brave to speak of your demons
To utter words that long have gone unsaid.
Anxiety, OCD, Depression
and so much more.
Just the tip of an iceberg of issues
That the world’s learned to ignore.
It’s time we change the stigma, shed a little light.
Mental illness does not make you weak.
It makes you very strong.
And it takes a very brave soul
to ask for help when things go wrong.
So, the woman who feels hopeless,
Or the man who feels so lost but is afraid to say
Are nothing short of warriors
Donning armor and walking into battle every day.
So, when you feel the weight crushing down upon your chest,
Remember both the bad and good are but fleeting states at best.
You will learn to cherish every emotion your heart has had and each lesson that life gave,
Once you take a risk to swim and learn to love to ride the wave.
Chances are good that you or someone who you love has experienced some form of clinical anxiety in their lifetime. Anxiety is a completely normal and healthy feeling that all of us feel at one point or another. But having an anxiety disorder is a lot more than just feeling nervous.
I’ve decided to write about five major types of anxiety disorders. Someone with anxiety can have one, two, three or all of them at once! There are more that I will not discuss today, but that does not mean they are not out there!
Just because you have one Anxiety Disorder does not mean that you can’t have another, in fact many of these disorders kind of bleed into the next so it is not uncommon to develop more than one anxiety disorder.
Think of Anxiety Disorders as an umbrella, and all of these different disorders fall under the same umbrella.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD): Generalized Anxiety is often described as being in a constant state of worry and feeling of doom or dread that something bad is going to happen. However, oftentimes (not always) people with GAD have a hard time pin pointing exactly what it is they are anxious about, it is more of a constant state of general unease.
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD): Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is characterized by repetitive, unwanted thoughts (the obsessive part) and the need to perform repeated tasks or behaviors (the compulsive part). These compulsions can oftentimes become ritualistic in nature, done to temporarily ease the symptoms of intense anxiety and bring a short period of comfort to the person. The term “OCD” get’s thrown around very casually in our current society.
People love to say “Oh my god, I organized my entire closet by color. I am SO OCD!” or “You like to clean your house every other day? You must be OCD!”
The truth is statements like that stigmatize and romanticize OCD. A disorder that is anything but “cute” and “funny”. Only those truly fighting the heavy shackles of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder know how serious and horrible this disorder really can be. Anyone who truly has OCD would never make an offhanded comment or joke about it.
OCD is not organizing your pens by shade, or sweeping your house every day. OCD is having to get up ten times an hour to check that the oven is off, so that you don’t burn down your house and kill your entire family. Or the guy whose hands are red and raw because he has washed them 37 time already today, but still has to open doors with his sleeves covering his hands. OCD is being completely aware that your thoughts and actions are irrational and not actually helpful to your anxiety, but you have.to.do.it.anyways.
Panic Disorder: Panic disorder is defined as someone who has had (is having) multiple unexpected or repeating episodes of severe anxiety accompanied by; feeling of doom or dread, intense fear of dying, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, shaking, sweating, fear of “going crazy”, nausea, dizziness, numbness and a general feeling that something horrible is going to happen.
Panic attacks are very scary, anyone who has had one (and most people do, unfortunately, at some point of their lives) knows that in the moment it can feel like a near impossible task to overcome the feeling. When people who are having a panic attack say they feel like they are dying, or about to pass out it’s because they truly feel that way.
When repeated panic attacks occur panic disorder can continue to intensify to the point of Agoraphobia. Agoraphobia is defined as:
“A fear of having a panic attack in a situation where it would be challenging or embarrassing to escape. This fear often leads to persistent avoidance behaviors, in which the person begins to stay away from places and situations in which they fear panic may occur. For example, some commonly avoided circumstances include driving a car, leaving the comfort of home, shopping in a mall, traveling by airplane, or simply being in a crowded area.”
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): PTSD is an anxiety disorder that develops when someone experiences a shocking, dangerous, scary or terrifying event. Oftentimes people associate PTSD with soldiers and those who have seen combat. This is a very common and serious cause of PTSD, but not the only one.
PTSD can be caused by things like sexual assault, a car accident, witnessing or being the victim of violence or crime and more. Most people will experience trauma in their lives and recover from it in a healthy way over time. When healthy recovery does not happen PTSD can develop. PTSD is characterized by having all of the following symptoms at least once a month after your trauma:
Social Phobia (previously known as social anxiety): Social Phobia is an intense fear and sense of self-consciousness in social settings. The intensity of social anxiety can vary from person to person. One person with Social Phobia may be fine in a social setting, as long as they don’t have to speak in front of the group. Another person diagnosed with Social Phobia may have issues even leaving their house due to the overwhelming fear of interacting with others.
The good news is that all of these anxiety disorders are treatable with the use of therapy and medication management. Many times anxiety disorders will require both to be fully and effectively treated.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is one of the most widely proven treatment options of Anxiety Disorders. When participating in CBT you work with a licensed therapist to identify, address, and change distorted and destructive thinking and behaviors. You work to improve emotional regulation and develop, with your therapist, healthy coping techniques to use throughout your life, because unfortunately you cannot cure anxiety, but you CAN learn to control it!
I hope that this information helped you better understand that when someone tells you they have an Anxiety Disorder they aren’t telling you they are simply feeling nervous or anxious. There is so much more that they are dealing with under the surface.
If you or a loved one has one of these disorders I encourage you to educate yourself (using a reputable source, of course) on the anxiety disorder further. Education is power!
Be patient and kind with one another, you never know what demons someone may be fighting.
And for the warriors currently in their own battles with an Anxiety Disorder, you are STRONG. You are NOT ALONE. And things WILL GET BETTER. Keep fighting warriors!
-A
What do you think of when you think the word ‘Brave’?
Do you think of knights or warriors or heroes in capes?
Or do you think of everyday people of all sizes and all shapes?
Brave is waking up each morning, willing to face the challenges of the day.
It is looking your problems in the face, but never backing down.
It is letting a smile sneak through when all your heart can do is frown.
Brave is walking through a valley of fear and doubt and pain.
It is silencing all of the ‘what if’s” smacking around inside your brain.
And somehow calming the restless and anxious soul and letting a racing mind unwind.
Brave is showing up to the doctor’s appointment
Even though you are afraid of what they might find.
It is learning to leave the demons of your past behind.
Brave is taking a deep breath in… and letting it out again.
Brave is admitting when you need help, that you can’t do it on your own.
It is making it through the night when it’s dark and you’re all alone.
Brave is smiling through the tears that are streaming down your face.
And cracking jokes in hospital rooms to ease your loved one’s fear.
Brave is accepting words of help, even when it’s not what you want to hear.
Brave is pulling yourself back up to standing, after you’ve taken your hundredth fall.
It is not beating yourself up for the times you showed your pain.
Brave does not mean that you are not scared, that your heart does not race,
and your hands don’t shake, they do.
Brave is feeling all of the fear and stepping forward anyways.
Brave is one foot in front of the other, one step at a time.
Brave is being patient for the change you need, trusting that the stars will align.
Brave can look at you with fear in her eyes, a quiver in her voice.
Brave can break down and be a monstrous mess
But brave knows that eventually, life will coalesce.
Brave is the woman at the clinic, or the man who limps slowly down the street.
Brave is the family in the waiting room, or the patient in the bed.
Brave is the battles we have won in the past, and the ones that lay ahead.
Brave is falling into bed after a hellish kind of day.
And telling yourself that even though it was so hard, it’s going to be ok.
Braving is reminding yourself that tomorrow is a brand new day.
Brave doesn’t always shock and awe.
Brave can be quite simple and quite small.
And sometimes those little tiny steps are the bravest of them all.
-A
I have been thinking a lot lately about the link between childhood trauma and stress related disorders (post traumatic stress disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, etc) and Multiple Sclerosis.
According to numerous studies throughout the years there is significant evidence that persons who experienced childhood trauma or prolonged stress and anxiety as a child were at a remarkably higher risk for autoimmune disease. These studies are ongoing and are still working out exactly how and why this happens in the body.
Those of you who have read my story you will know that I was abused as a teen by an older man who I met through community theater. Luckily, my family fought tooth and nail for years to keep me from completely slipping away into the clutches of this monster, and eventually it paid off. I was able to make the decision to end my “relationship” with him and remove him from my life.
But those years left scars on me emotionally. I was always an anxious child and started treatment for my anxiety and depression at a young age (around 15 or 16). But after the mistreatment and trauma caused by this man my anxiety only got worse.
A few years ago I stared experiencing flashbacks, nightmares, severe levels of anxiety, panic attacks and other unpleasant symptoms. I started seeing a psychiatrist and going to regular therapy. Through this I was diagnosed with PTSD. It was only about three years later that I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.
It is somewhat amazing to think about what a powerful impact stress and trauma can have on the body, even years later. Not just emotionally, but manifesting itself into physical illnesses, and in some cases, autoimmune diseases.
When I first discovered this information I was MAD. I was mad at the man who abused me for all of those years. He took so many things from me. My childhood, my innocence, my trust, my confidence and independence and so much more. But now, to learn that years later my health is now leaving me too and it could be linked to the trauma he caused me…
But the longer I have sat with this information the more my anger has slowly ebbed away. By no means do I forgive what that man did to me. It is unforgivable and to quote my girl Kesha;
Some things only god can forgive.” – Praying, Kesha
However, I do not harbor as much anger and resentment towards him as I once did. The struggles and the pain that I endured because of him shaped me into the woman who I am today. I learned to be strong and to shape my own opinions, I learned to be true to myself because I am enough, I learned the importance and the constant love of my family, I learned that I will never let anyone control me or push me around ever again.
They were hard lessons and took me years to finally start addressing, but now that I have I have found a peace that can only be described as liberating.
I do not want to live with hate in my life. I do not want to live in the past. I do not want to live resenting someone for their crimes against me. I have a good life. Even with PTSD, Anxiety, and Multiple Sclerosis I would say I have it pretty damn good.
I have a husband who not only loves, cares, and understands me…he is my best friend too. I have a family that is my rock, always there to support me and to lean on. I have a wonderful dog who keeps me on my toes and makes me laugh every day. I have a beautiful home with my own little garden and plants and I get to share it with Sparrow Mom and her family too!
So I take this newfound information regarding my past (and how it could still be affecting my body in the present) and I am choosing to look at it not as painful reminder of things that once were, but as a positive sign for the future.
This research means that we are making progress in understanding these very mysterious diseases. And understanding is the first step towards finding a cure or a way to prevent them!
It is also a reminder of how impactful stress can be. We know that stress can trigger a relapse with Multiple Sclerosis. So now, more than ever, it is so very important for me to practice mindfulness, tackle my problems one day at a time, and take time to breathe and just relax!
No matter where you are in your life I encourage you to take a moment today to think of a few things you are grateful for, take a couple of minutes to just let yourself relax and enjoy those things, and take a few calming deep breaths. It’s a good day to let go of a little stress!
-A
I have always had extremely vivid dreams.
I can still remember dreams that I had as a child. Especially ones that I had more than once. Recurring dreams are common. Many people experience them for short periods in their life, or throughout their entire lives!
I seem to remember that I often had a dream as a child about being stuck in a car, in a driveway, with my family with a PANTHER circling the car! Each time, we had to figure out a way to distract the panther so we could all safely exit the car and get into the house.
Recurring dreams often mean there are some stressors in one’s life that are not being addressed. So it makes sense that my recurring dream as a child probably happened when I was dealing with some sort of stress.
When we dream our brain is actually rapidly processing and storing away the experiences and emotions of the day. So when you are worried or stressed about something during your day, sometimes those thoughts can manifest themselves into a stressful dream or a nightmare.
I think it is important to recognize that dreams are not a psychological experience, rather a physiological one. Meaning, we shouldn’t try to look too hard into the meaning or the “message” of our dreams. Rather, we should recognize that when we are having nightmares or stressful dreams there is most likely an underlying stressor in our waking lives that needs to be addressed.
It’s easy for me to get caught up in the magical world of dreams, seeing as mine are often extremely vivid and detailed. I almost always remember my dreams. I didn’t realize everyone didn’t, not until after I started telling my dreams to my husband in the morning only to be met with a face that could only be described as :
I know when in your sleep cycle and the speed that you wake up can effect how much you remember you dreams, so maybe that is why I always remember my dreams? I have no idea. I just know that they are wild!
Sometimes my dreams are wonderful and fantastical and full of adventure and happiness. I like those dreams. Sometimes they are mundane and repetitive, like working on an assembly line. But sometimes, they are bad.
I have a lot of nightmares.
Nightmares are a common side effect of PTSD. They don’t always have anything to do with my trauma. Sometimes they do, but not always.
Since my diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis my nightmares have gotten even worse and more frequent. I know it is because of the added stress of the diagnosis and being sick.
My most common theme in my dreams is that I am being chased. The “chaser” and the situation varies dream to dream, but the general feeling is always the same. I am running for my life and whoever or whatever is chasing me is always one step behind me.
I wake up from those dreams exhausted, out of breath, soaked with sweat and anxious. Dreams of being chased usually subconsciously mean that you are avoiding a person/ issue.
It’s not too hard for me to identify the “issue” in my life that has been my biggest source of anxiety, fear, and avoidance in my recent life. My diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. I know that I have come very far already with accepting and processing my diagnosis. But I also know that I have many more lessons and much more to learn in my life.
So, I try not to let these dreams effect me in my waking life too much. Sometimes I will have what I like to call a “hangover dream”. Meaning, the feelings and emotions from that dream will “hangover” into my day.
Have you ever had a dream that someone died and woken up feeling sad and completely devastate for that person, even though you know damn well they are alive and well?
I can see how it would be easy for people to believe that dreams are omens and signs from above. When I have one of these hangover dreams that lingers with me throughout the day I try to challenge myself to practice extra mindfulness and presence to try to guide my mind back into reality.
Things like going for a walk, doing some gardening, writing or cleaning tend to help me let go of a particularly powerful dream.
Do you remember your dreams? Do you have “hangover dreams”? Have you done your own research into the meaning of dreams? I’d love to hear more about this fascinating and mysterious subject!
Hoping you have nothing but positivity in your sleep tonight!
-A
Anxiety is something I have struggled with long before my diagnosis of MS. I was lucky to have a mom who noticed the symptoms and could see I was suffering even when I was as young as fourteen. My anxiety began to manifest when I as in middle school in the form of hypochondria. I was ALWAYS afraid of getting sick. I’m talking no sharing food/drinks, constantly washing hands, sanitizing my toys, and barricading myself in my room when one of siblings got sick. Growing up, my bedroom was the guest bedroom (I was the lucky kid who got the queen sized bed in her room, but that also came with cost of giving up my room when extended family from out of town came to visit). I can remember just crying with fear every time I knew someone else would be sleeping in my room because HOW in god’s green earth was I going to GET RID OF ALL THOSE GERMS!?!
I saw a doctor and we talked about what I was experiencing and I was put on an anxiety medication and things got a lot better for a while! Unfortunately when I was in high school I experienced abuse from an older boy and almost lost myself to his dark influence and hurtful behavior. Luckily, (again!) I have some pretty rad parents who devoted their lives to making sure I got away from him and found a place where I was happy and safe (as happy as kid can be when going through that kind of abuse at the ripe young age of fifteen) and have since been getting the mental health treatment I needed.
About a year ago my anxiety got much, much worse than it ever had been. I had recently moved back to Minnesota from Chicago and was not adjusting well. My (then) boyfriend (now) husband and I decided it was time for me to start seeking regular mental health treatment again. I was diagnosed with PTSD from sexual and emotional trauma, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Panic Attack disorder. I have been working with a wonderful psychiatrist who has helped me find meds that work for me and is helping me find techniques to deal with my frequent panic attacks.
Then November came…and along with it my diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. My anxiety has gone through the roof. It’s almost like the diagnosis snapped me back to being a child again. I have started feeling that familiar and horrible overwhelming feeling of being afraid of everything that could make me sick. Ironic isn’t it? The hypochondriac child gets sick as an adult with something you can’t get better from?
How does your anxiety manifest itself? Since my diagnosis I have been experiencing a whirlwind of emotions but anxiety and fear are definitely in the forefront. At first I was having severe panic attacks on almost a daily basis (I am now down to one or two a week- THANK YOU MEDITATION and Xanax for during the worst of the attacks). I’ve noticed that my anxiety manifests in nausea, vomiting, scratching, Insomnia, rapid obsessive thoughts, racing heart, flushing, shortness of breath, sudden feelings of intense doom aaaaand cue panic attack…
What do you guys do to help with your anxiety? Besides seeking help from a medical professional ( we need to take our mental health just as seriously as our physical health and that means there is NO SHAME in going to a mental health provider. You wouldn’t be ashamed to go to the doctor if you got pneumonia? Right!?!)
I am currently seeing my psychiatrist for medication management and a phycologist specializing in helping those diagnosed with chronic or terminal illness. Both of these people have helped me TREMENDOUSLY in understanding and accepting my anxiety and how to get control of it rather than letting it control me. I still have a lot of work to go though.
My go to home remedies for when I am having a challenging day are:
So people…give it to me! I want to hear what you find empowering, comforting and helpful when anxiety gets the best of you!
-A
Alix in Wonderland 