Learning to Ride the Wave

I have been a bit MIA the past couple of months when it comes to writing. It took me a while to decide that I wanted to share what was going on with me and has taken me even longer to figure out how to put it into words.

If you know me personally or have read any of my other works, you know that anxiety and mental health issues are something I have dealt with ever since I was a young teenager. Over the years I have gone to many therapists, tried many different medications, read many books, done countless meditations, and tried homeopathic remedies to try and “fix” my anxiety. 

After my diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis about a year ago my anxiety really began to spiral out of control. What once was a small voice of worry in the back of my mind became a deafening roar that echoed violently off of the inside of my skull. Every day I felt like I was at war with my own mind. I was exhausted, I was losing hope, and I was scared.

About a month ago I started an intensive outpatient therapy program (meaning I go to treatment for 7 hours each day but go back home after treatment each evening) to finally address both my PTSD and anxiety. It was a difficult step to take, but one I knew was important for my mental health.

 The treatment I am going through is called Prolonged Exposure Therapy (PE). PE has two parts to it:Imaginal Exposure- revisiting your traumatic event in detail with a therapist, speaking in the present tense, and then discussing and processing the imaginal exposure and your emotions etc. afterwards with the therapist.

The second part is In Vivo exposures. This means “in real life”. These exposures are confronting your fears both during programing and at home after programing each day. You work with your therapist to develop a range of all of your possible feared stimuli or situations (related to PTSD or another disorder, so it could be specific places, people or things that remind you of your trauma and cause panic and anxiety or trigger you in some way) and create a challenging but doable exercise to do repeatedly day after day, until it no longer causes you anxiety.

 This process is called habituation and it is the gradual process of becoming accustomed to safe but uncomfortable situations that we once perceived as scary or dangerous. Once you habituate to a once feared stimuli you move on to the next thing on your fear hierarchy.

I am attending a program that focuses on Prolonged Exposure Therapy as well as Cognitive BehavioralTherapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Experiential Therapy(ET) and medication management.

This treatment has been one of the most exhausting, terrifying, empowering, healing, and intense experiences of my life. I am not going to lie and say it’s easy, but I will say it works.

It’s hard. I mean really, really hard, but it is so worth it in the long run. Beginning to free myself from the heavy weights of anxiety and panic that I have been dragging around for so long is so invigorating!

It is both intimidating and self-empowering to wake up every day and face my biggest fears. To look my demons in the eye and tell them to fuck off. To learn to trust and love my own mind again.

I didn’t write for a while as I started this treatment program. Writing is very emotional for me and when I write a lot of my heart pours out onto the pages. I wasn’t ready to write in the beginning of treatment. I just had too many thoughts, fears, anxieties, and emotions to even begin to put them into words, let alone share them with anyone but my therapist.

But then one day I picked up a pen and wrote something that sort of encompasses what I have learned so far from this program and what I am continuing to learn and work on every single day. A Poem entitled : The Wave.

It took a while, but I have finally started to feel like myself again.

For anyone dealing with mental health issues or trauma, I know what you’re feeling. I know how scary, and lonely, and exhausting it can be to fight with your own thoughts every day. I know how far away happiness can feel at times, and I know that it may seem like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

But this is a gentle reminder that there is.

That you are not alone. That you are strong, even if you feel broken. It’s ok to feel what you are feeling, whatever it may be! Your emotions are valid and none of them are “bad”. Be accepting of your emotions and thoughts, but you don’t have to let them control your actions. You get to do that!

It felt important to share this with you all because too often people find themselves ashamed to admit they are struggling with a mental health issue. Once we start looking, however, we will realize that there are so many people out there who are feeling the same things as you are. Take comfort in knowing that we are all human and we all experience both good and bad in our lives. You are not alone, you are not “sick” and you are not crazy. 

You are grounded. You are loved. And you are enough. 

-A 

The Wave

It feels a thousand years ago

I started on this daunting path

With shaking hands and wild eyes,

Still picking up the broken pieces of the aftermath.

 

What had felt like an impossible feat

Has already begun to come to pass

And the healing that seemed so far away 

Came like a wave crashing over me so fast.

 

Once I accepted where I was 

And stopped trying to control the entire game

I found that were I was, was enough 

And my life was waiting there for me to come reclaim.

 

The part of me that’s hurt is still there

It just doesn’t sting so bad.

I’ve learned to trust myself again,

A self-love I’ve never had. 

 

The fear still creeps up on me

every now and then,

It’s breath hot and sticky

breathing down upon my neck 

 

But instead of curling up to hide 

I look that fear right in the eye, 

And tell it to back right off

Because I get to decide.

 

What is scary, what is dangerous,

What’s worth the adventure and the risk.

That anything life throws at me 

Together my heart and mind can fix.

 

It’s a very scary war to wage,

The one inside your head.

It takes a special kind of brave to speak of your demons

To utter words that long have gone unsaid.

 

Anxiety, OCD, Depression

and so much more.

Just the tip of an iceberg of issues

That the world’s learned to ignore.

 

It’s time we change the stigma, shed a little light.

Mental illness does not make you weak.

It makes you very strong.

And it takes a very brave soul

to ask for help when things go wrong.

 

 

So, the woman who feels hopeless,

Or the man who feels so lost but is afraid to say

Are nothing short of warriors

Donning armor and walking into battle every day.

 

 

So, when you feel the weight crushing down upon your chest,

Remember both the bad and good are but fleeting states at best.

You will learn to cherish every emotion your heart has had and each lesson that life gave,

Once you take a risk to swim and learn to love to ride the wave.

5 Types of Anxiety Disorders

Chances are good that you or someone who you love has experienced some form of clinical anxiety in their lifetime. Anxiety is a completely normal and healthy feeling that all of us feel at one point or another. But having an anxiety disorder is a lot more than just feeling nervous.

I’ve decided to write about five major types of anxiety disorders. Someone with anxiety can have one, two, three or all of them at once! There are more that I will not discuss today, but that does not mean they are not out there!

Just because you have one Anxiety Disorder does not mean that you can’t have another, in fact many of these disorders kind of bleed into the next so it is not uncommon to develop more than one anxiety disorder.

Think of Anxiety Disorders as an umbrella, and all of these different disorders fall under the same umbrella.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD): Generalized Anxiety is often described as being in a constant state of worry and feeling of doom or dread that something bad is going to happen. However, oftentimes (not always) people with GAD have a hard time pin pointing exactly what it is they are anxious about, it is more of a constant state of general unease.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD): Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is characterized by  repetitive, unwanted thoughts (the obsessive part) and the need to perform repeated tasks or behaviors (the compulsive part). These compulsions can oftentimes become ritualistic in nature, done to temporarily ease the symptoms of intense anxiety and bring a short period of comfort to the person. The term “OCD” get’s thrown around very casually in our current society.

People love to say “Oh my god, I organized my entire closet by color. I am SO OCD!”  or “You like to clean your house every other day? You must be OCD!”

The truth is statements like that stigmatize and romanticize OCD. A disorder that is anything but “cute” and “funny”. Only those truly fighting the heavy shackles of  Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder know how serious and horrible this disorder really can be. Anyone who truly has OCD would never make an offhanded comment or joke about it.

OCD is not organizing your pens by shade, or sweeping your house every day. OCD is having to get up ten times an hour to check that the oven is off, so that you don’t burn down your house and kill your entire family. Or the guy whose hands are red and raw because he has washed them 37 time already today, but still has to open doors with his sleeves covering his hands. OCD is being completely aware that your thoughts and actions are irrational and not actually helpful to your anxiety, but you have.to.do.it.anyways.

Panic Disorder: Panic disorder is defined as someone who has had (is having) multiple unexpected or repeating episodes of severe anxiety accompanied by; feeling of doom or dread, intense fear of dying, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, shaking, sweating, fear of “going crazy”, nausea, dizziness, numbness and a general feeling that something horrible is going to happen.

Panic attacks are very scary, anyone who has had one (and most people do, unfortunately, at some point of their lives) knows that in the moment it can feel like a near impossible task to overcome the feeling. When people who are having a panic attack say they feel like they are dying, or about to pass out it’s because they truly feel that way.

When repeated panic attacks occur panic disorder can continue to intensify to the point of Agoraphobia. Agoraphobia is defined as:

“A fear of having a panic attack in a situation where it would be challenging or embarrassing to escape. This fear often leads to persistent avoidance behaviors, in which the person begins to stay away from places and situations in which they fear panic may occur. For example, some commonly avoided circumstances include driving a car, leaving the comfort of home, shopping in a mall, traveling by airplane, or simply being in a crowded area.”

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): PTSD is an anxiety disorder that develops when someone experiences a shocking, dangerous, scary or terrifying event. Oftentimes people associate PTSD with soldiers and those who have seen combat. This is a very common and serious cause of PTSD, but not the only one.

PTSD can be caused by things like sexual assault, a car accident, witnessing or being the victim of violence or crime and more. Most people will experience trauma in their lives and recover from it in a healthy way over time. When healthy recovery does not happen PTSD can develop. PTSD is characterized by having all of the following symptoms at least once a month after your trauma:

• Revisiting the Trauma – this could be through intrusive thoughts, flashbacks and nightmares.
• Avoidance Behaviors – this could be avoiding the actual place of trauma, memories or talking about the trauma, or even things that remind the person of trauma.
• Aroused Reactivity – Being easily startled or always on edge, difficulty sleeping, and irritability or angry outbursts.
• Cognition Symptoms – Loss of interest in pleasurable activities, feelings of guilt or depression, distorted thoughts, trouble remembering details about the event or trauma (blacked out memories)

 

Social Phobia (previously known as social anxiety): Social Phobia is an intense fear and sense of self-consciousness in social settings. The intensity of social anxiety can vary from person to person. One person with Social Phobia may be fine in a social setting, as long as they don’t have to speak in front of the group. Another person diagnosed with Social Phobia may have issues even leaving their house due to the overwhelming fear of interacting with others.

The good news is that all of these anxiety disorders are treatable with the use of therapy and medication management. Many times anxiety disorders will require both to be fully and effectively treated.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is one of the most widely proven treatment options of Anxiety Disorders. When participating in CBT you work with a licensed therapist to identify, address, and change distorted and destructive thinking and behaviors. You work to improve emotional regulation and develop, with your therapist, healthy coping techniques to use throughout your life, because unfortunately you cannot cure anxiety, but you CAN learn to control it!

I hope that this information helped you better understand that when someone tells you they have an Anxiety Disorder they aren’t telling you they are simply feeling nervous or anxious. There is so much more that they are dealing with under the surface.

If you or a loved one has one of these disorders I encourage you to educate yourself (using a reputable source, of course) on the anxiety disorder further. Education is power!

Be patient and kind with one another, you never know what demons someone may be fighting.

And for the warriors currently in their own battles with an Anxiety Disorder, you are STRONG. You are NOT ALONE. And things WILL GET BETTER. Keep fighting warriors!

-A

Are You Haunted?

When I was growing up I was always so afraid of the idea of being haunted. I was terrified of demons and ghosts and all of the things that go bump in the night. I avoided horror movies like the plague and a ouija board could send me running from a house like a bat out of hell.

But as I grew older I started to realize that it wasn’t the literal ghosts and ghouls that I needed to be afraid of haunting me. I stopped being so afraid of “getting haunted” when I realized that I already was.

I think we are all haunted.

We are haunted by the ghosts of our past. By the things we won’t let go. We are haunted by our “what if’s” and “if only’s”. But unlike most spooky stories it’s not the ghosts that need to move on, it’s us.

I am learning that it is good to remember your past. It is good to learn from your mistakes and remember the moments that made us strong.

But not if they are haunting us.

At a certain point it is ok to let go. To let go of the negative parts of our past. It is ok to let go of anger we have been holding onto for years. It is ok to forgive people who have wronged us. It is ok to let go of your ghosts and slowly let them fade away. It is ok to acknowledge that your past made you the person you are today, but it does not necessarily define your future.

The past does not necessarily set the tone for your entire life. You do! Hold onto the happy and let go of the bad.

I hope that everyone has a very happy and safe Halloween, full of positive energy and making joyful memories!

-A

Chad and I dressed as Hogwarts Students this year for Halloween! I’m only a little obsessed. 

Chad and I carved Harry Potter themed pumpkins this year! 

Brave

What do you think of when you think the word ‘Brave’?

Do you think of knights or warriors or heroes in capes?

Or do you think of everyday people of all sizes and all shapes?

 

Brave is waking up each morning, willing to face the challenges of the day.

It is looking your problems in the face, but never backing down.

It is letting a smile sneak through when all your heart can do is frown.

 

Brave is walking through a valley of fear and doubt and pain.

It is silencing all of the ‘what if’s” smacking around inside your brain.

And somehow calming the restless and anxious soul and letting a racing mind unwind.

 

Brave is showing up to the doctor’s appointment

Even though you are afraid of what they might find.

It is learning to leave the demons of your past behind.

 

Brave is taking a deep breath in… and letting it out again.

Brave is admitting when you need help, that you can’t do it on your own.

It is making it through the night when it’s dark and you’re all alone.

 

Brave is smiling through the tears that are streaming down your face.

And cracking jokes in hospital rooms to ease your loved one’s fear.

Brave is accepting words of help, even when it’s not what you want to hear.

 

Brave is pulling yourself back up to standing, after you’ve taken your hundredth fall.

It is not beating yourself up for the times you showed your pain.

Brave does not mean that you are not scared, that your heart does not race,

and your hands don’t shake, they do.

 

Brave is feeling all of the fear and stepping forward anyways.

Brave is one foot in front of the other, one step at a time.

Brave is being patient for the change you need, trusting that the stars will align.

 

Brave can look at you with fear in her eyes, a quiver in her voice.

Brave can break down and be a monstrous mess

But brave knows that eventually, life will coalesce.

 

Brave is the woman at the clinic, or the man who limps slowly down the street.

Brave is the family in the waiting room, or the patient in the bed.

Brave is the battles we have won in the past, and the ones that lay ahead.

 

Brave is falling into bed after a hellish kind of day.

And telling yourself that even though it was so hard, it’s going to be ok.

Braving is reminding yourself that tomorrow is a brand new day.

 

Brave doesn’t always shock and awe.

Brave can be quite simple and quite small.

And sometimes those little tiny steps are the bravest of them all.

-A

A Perfect Storm

The past two weeks have been rough. Very rough. It’s taken me a while to even work up the courage to write this post.

Two weeks ago I started feeling really crummy. I came down with some sort of stomach bug. It sucked, but it was just a stomach bug, I knew it would end. A few days passed…and then a few more. Before I knew it I had been down and out for a solid week. I woke up that next morning to something that I had never experienced before. My whole body was shaking. It wasn’t just shivering, it was violent, uncontrollable shakes wracking through my entire body. I would later find out that this phenominon is called Rigors.

At first my husband and I thought I was just cold. We cranked up the heat, layered clothes onto me, and piled on the blankets. But the shaking just continued. In fact, it got worse. The next day I emailed my doctor asking for advice. I’ve had chills before when I have had the flu, but never like that. My doctor suggested that I be seen that day.

I went in, got some meds. They did some tests and assured me that I had an infection and with some antibiotics I would be fine. Fast forward two days and I could barely walk anymore. My body was exhausted, I was exhausted, and to be honest, I was scared. Really scared.

I ended up spending the day in ER getting fluids and more tests than I could count. Again, they ruled out everything (this time also ruling out an infection, and advising me to stop taking the antibiotics). My heart rate was high, and I was running fever so the ER doc gave me the option of going home and trying to rest, or being admitted overnight for observation. I chose to go home, and try to get some sleep. I felt like that was what my body was needing the most. Looking back, I wish I had stayed.

Two days later I was back in the ER for more fluids and tests. This time I was put on a drug combination of Reglan and Benadryl. The Reglan to help with nausea, the Benadryl to help counteract the side effects of the Reglan. I was so tired of being sick at this point, that I didn’t even question what these side effects could be.

“Reglan can make you a little restless.” The doctor had said.

Well, it did. But it was manageable for the first day. I felt uncomfortably wired, but the Benadryl took the edge off. But that night I barely slept. I had the worst Insomnia of my life. The next morning it only got worse.

I started feeling incredibly anxious. I didn’t feel like myself at all. I could feel every racing beat of my heart pounding against my ribcage and rattling my entire chest. I couldn’t focus on anything, I couldn’t stop moving. I felt like I was dying.

It turns out I was having a severe adverse reaction to the Reglan. My heart rate continued to run high and my body was going completely haywire. It was worse than anything I have ever felt, including from Steroid Infusion Therapy, which anyone who has had done can tell you is not a ride in the park.

I was scared before, now I was terrified.

I ended up being admitted to the hospital due to the extreme adverse reaction to Reglan. Luckily I was able to go home the next day. It’s been four days since I last took the Reglan (and I only took it for one day) and I am still having waves of extreme anxiety and racing heart, although less frequently and intense each day.

It turns out this is not an unheard of reaction to the drug. Although uncommon, it can cause this type of response in some people. My chart now has Reglan listed under my drug allergies.

These past two weeks are a blur of pain, fear, stress, anxiety and tears. I’m having a hard time moving past these painful memories. I know that it is in the past, and that I will never take that drug again so I will never have that reaction to it again, but I am still scared.

It is hard to admit that I am shaken, that I wasn’t able to just bounce right back like I usually do. It’s not easy to talk about things that caused such pain. And it is definitely not easy to look this kind of anxiety in the face and tell it to fuck off.

But admitting I am scared is nothing to be ashamed of as long I don’t give up. As long as I keep my head up and keep moving forward. As hard as the past two weeks have been, I did make it through.

I proved to myself that my body and my mind are strong. No, they are not perfect. But they can take a few punches and stand up again. I might not stand up gracefully, or quickly but I will  stand.

So with shaking hands, but a determined heart I look forward to a new week full of smiles, healing, positivity and growth.

-A

 

Word Mental Health Day

October 10th is World Mental Health Day. I talk a lot about mental health on my blog. I have been affected by mental illness since I was a teenager. Growing up, my parents were very open about mental health and, having experienced anxiety and depression first hand, were able to recognize when I started exhibiting signs of anxiety and depression when I was around fifteen years old.

I have come to realize that not everyone grows up in an environment where mental health is talked about in a very open and honest way. There are many people out there who have no idea that they are not alone in feelings of sadness, or fear or hopelessness. People who have no idea that there is a whole network of people out there dedicated to helping those with mental health issues and getting them to a place where they can enjoy their lives again. Today is about shedding light on mental health and ending the stigma that seeking help for your mental health issues is something to be ashamed of.

One thing I have noticed that concerns me is the trend of “pill shaming”. The idea that there is something wrong with people if they are taking medication to help manage their mental health. If you had a physical illness and there was a medication available to you that would make you feel better would you stop for one second to wonder “what will people think if I take this medication?”…nope! You would take the meds, and get better! So there is no shame in seeking help from a medical professional if you suspect that you are struggling from anxiety or depression. They are there to help you, and they can help.

Now, I am not saying that there is a magical pill out there that will just cure your anxiety or your depression. There are many tools that I have added to my proverbial tool belt to help me combat my anxiety problems. To name a few; Meditation, Self Care, Writing (my personal writing as well as blogging), Eating Healthy, Counseling, Regular Exercise

One of the techniques that has helped me the most, not just during panic attacks, but also during physical discomfort from MS, illness, etc. is meditation.

I was recently watching an episode of “In Search Of” hosted by Zachary Quinto and they were searching for the answers to how some people are able to exhibit super human strength or feats during periods of meditation.

He was specifically looking at a Shaolin warrior monk who through meditation, is able to complete tasks that would usually leave a human seriously injured. However this monk walks away with not even a scratch to be seen. For example, in this episode the Shaolin warrior monk breaks a wooden staff* over his head. He never loses consciousness, finches, and claims to feel no pain whatsoever!

*** No matter how good you are at meditation I am NOT recommending you do this…unless you are a Shaolin warrior monk…then I guess go ahead.

In search of (haha get it?) an answer as to how this monk is able to endure these superhuman feats Zachary, the monk, and one other person conduct an experiment where they took two MRI scans of their brains. The first scan was a regular scan, but during the second scan the men were asked to put their hand in extremely cold ice water. They were specifically looking for the area of the brain that recognizes pain to light up.

As suspected, when Zachary Quinto put his hand into the ice water his scan showed the pain receptor area of his brain lighting up like a Christmas tree. But when the monk did this same test, while meditating and centering himself into a place a of tranquility, his scan showed extremely limited activity in the pain receptor area of the brain!

Even more interesting, Zachary went into the MRI machine one more time to test just how successful he could be at lowering his pain level through meditation. His scan, while meditating, noted a significant decrease in activity in the pain center of the brain.

Even the doctor who was helping them conduct this tests were baffled at how affective meditation was at physically changing the way our bodies received and reacted to pain!

I have not been feeling great with a stomach bug the past few days and I have found meditation extremely helpful to help ease my discomfort. Sometimes, if your discomfort is too high to even concentrate on a full meditation even just focusing on your breathing can help. “In…two…three…four…out…two…three…for”. That phrase has gotten me through many a tough moment over the past year.

So today if you are struggling with a battle against mental illness, or if you know someone who is, let us all remember that there is always hope, there is always light, and there is an army of people around you (including me!) that are cheering you on and supporting you every step of your journey!

Let’s share some positive vibes today.

-A

 

 

 

MS🧠Kicks🧠Ass🧠But🧠So🧠Do🧠I

This morning I woke up for the fourth day in a row with limited (VERY limited/borderline no) feeling in my right leg. I’ve also been having increased tingling in my right foot, and some weird hearing issues. And lastly,  muscle spasms and tremors in my right leg. In the past I have had issues with my right leg losing feeling, but it came back after two rounds of steroid infusion therapy.

I know that this could just be a pseudo relapse due to stress (seeing as most of the symptoms are in a leg that has had issues before makes me think this is likely?) but it scares me nonetheless. It still means that something is wrong. It means that inside my brain there are parts that are dying, being eaten away at by my own immune system.

I have reached out to my neurologist and I am waiting to hear back about what he wants to do about this flare of symptoms.

Today has been a rough day. It’s so hard to explain what it feels like to know there is something wrong inside of you.

It’s so hard to trust your own body and listen to the strange sensations we feel with MS when there are people around you suggesting that it is “just your anxiety” or all in your head. I am still learning how to trust my body, something that is SO important with a disease like MS. God, it’s still weird to say sometimes, disease.

I am the one living in this body, I am the one who knows when something doesn’t feel right. I have lived long enough with anxiety to know when it is wreaking havoc in my body..and when it is not. When it is something else. So I need to trust what I know.

It sucks to have to miss out on things and have to stay inside and rest when my heart and mind still want to be out having adventures. It is unsettling to have a mind and body that are on completely different pages sometimes. I am not choosing to be sick. I am still learning how to accept that some things, like having this disease, are out of my control.

If any of you have someone who is struggling, who is sick, or who just are having a rough day today, give them a hug. Or shoot them a text reminding them they are a badass mother****** and that you love them! We all can use a little pick me up some days.

“Without a little lift, the ballerina falls.” – Next To Normal

So this is for you, yes YOU. The anxious ones, the sick ones, the overworked ones, the black sheep, the depressed ones, the frightened ones, the lonely ones. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE STRONG. YOU ARE EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE MEANT TO BE 💕 Keep on that fight, you courageous warriors!!

With a heart full of hope – A

It’s OK not to be OK

This is not the easiest post for me to write. It is hard to admit that we are not perfect. It is not easy to discuss our failures and it is so hard to admit that we have thrown in the towel.

Last weekend I left for my first vacation (or even stay away from my home!) since my diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis (MS) last November. I was extremely anxious about it going in. I was worried about a whole multitude of things. But the biggest and nastiest fear, lurking under the floorboards of my heart, was that I wouldn’t be able to do it. That I would get sick and need to go home, or be too anxious and need to go home, or never even leave the house to begin with!

I went in with a plan. I made lists, did research, and checked and double checked everything. I set myself up for success.

Things went well the first couple of days. The best parts of it were being able to spend time with my family and just laugh, be ourselves, and forget about our everyday worries for a little while. I have an amazing family. They make me laugh like no one else can, comfort me in a way that only years of strong bonds can teach, and they understand me better than anyone on this planet.

Don’t get me wrong, I was anxious those first few days. But it was like the pot was boiling with only half empty water. I wasn’t worried about it boiling over. Things were controlled. Looking back, I was needing to take my Xanax much more often than I normally would, but that is ok! It is what it is there for.

But then on my third night of vacationing I fell apart.

I think I was starting to feel the physical toll of being out in the sun, swimming, cliff jumping etc. It scares me – not cliff jumping, MS – Even though I feel it almost every day, every time my right leg goes numb and tingly it scares me. I tried to remind myself that I have felt that feeling before, it just means I need to rest and I will bounce back in a day or two.

I think I was also having a really hard time being away from the comfort of my routine and familiarity of being at home. I was letting it get to me that my meds weren’t in the same place they always are when I need them, that the bed made my back hurt and crunched like diaper every-time my husband rolled over next to me, that I didn’t have my dog to snuggle and pet when I started to feel the anxiety simmering closer and closer to the surface of the pot.

I don’t know what caused me to boil over. I was fine one moment and in the throes of a full-blown panic attack the next. All I could keep thinking was that I NEEDED to get off this island and go home. My husband tried to calm me down. I took my meds. We went back to our lodgings and laid down and tried to ride out this attack. But I just couldn’t shake it.

We ended up leaving the trip early due to my anxiety. I felt like a failure. I felt like I was giving up on something that I had JUST been so proud of, my courage. I felt weak. It was not a good feeling. I think I cried the whole ferry back to the mainland.

I let myself feel sad for the rest of the night. I allowed myself to feel guilty for leaving the wonderful trip my mom and dad had planned for us. I allowed myself to feel anxious and terrible, but just for a little bit.

I knew I had made my choice, and although I might be a mess right now, that is OK.

It is OK not to be OK. It is ok to admit that you have given it your best shot and you need to go home and rest now. It is ok to say I can only push myself so far. It’s ok to admit that I might not be quite as strong yet as I though I was.

I did a lot of self reflecting on the drive back home. I think it is important for me not to feel ashamed for not being able to stay the whole trip (something I really wanted to do not just for the fun and sun, but to prove something to myself as well). I think it is important for me to recognize that I did my best and that I will continue to work on it. That does not mean I am not strong.

I will continue to work on techniques to manage my anxiety. I will continue to meditate and live in the present. I will continue to be grateful for the little things throughout my day.

And some day, when I am ready, I will try again!

-A