Anxiety Lies

I was going a hundred miles down a road that I couldn’t see

I was fearfully and blindly grasping at the straws in front of me

Hoping for a light to shine and illuminate the way

The right choices for me to make and the right words for me to say

When you hit a bump and you’re going that fast it can cause a massive wreck

Standing in the middle of the highway of my mind, I was surrounded by the damage, a haunted feeling creeping up my spine.

My self-confidence was crumpled like the metal of damaged car

A person in a shell of nothing but some bruises and some scars.

Anxiety smacked me in the face like an airbag going off inside my heart

What was meant to keep me safe and well was now slowly tearing me apart.

I was constantly running, inside the dark parts of my mind,

Running from both past and future, terrified of what I might find.

My mind was playing both the roles in an epic game of “cat and mouse:”

What was once a place of comfort quickly darkened into a madhouse.

I was giving all my power to the fears inside my mind

Until the day I took a deep breath, one small step, and left it all behind.

The best part about the fear that can consume you from inside

is once you turn and face it, it always runs away and hides.

It doesn’t matter if you are little or very very large

When fear slips up right behind you, you are the one who is in charge.

Tell your fears you see them, and that everything’s all right.

Tell your worries that it’s all ok, you can focus on just making it through tonight.

You don’t have to face all of your battles in one almighty war.

You can take it day by day, finding peace and joy in small moments that you never saw before.

Anxiety likes to whisper small doubts into our ears.

Small seeds of fear and of incompetence that grow into monstrous fears.

If we focus on the negative, the evil and the sad

We will only see the darkness, not the blessings that we have.

No matter what your mind is telling you, things are going to turn out just fine.

And to truly enjoy the sun you have to endure some cloudy times.

On this journey for peace I have set upon, I have come to realize.

If there’s one thing you can be sure of it’s that anxiety lies.

The Wave

It feels a thousand years ago

I started on this daunting path

With shaking hands and wild eyes,

Still picking up the broken pieces of the aftermath.

 

What had felt like an impossible feat

Has already begun to come to pass

And the healing that seemed so far away 

Came like a wave crashing over me so fast.

 

Once I accepted where I was 

And stopped trying to control the entire game

I found that were I was, was enough 

And my life was waiting there for me to come reclaim.

 

The part of me that’s hurt is still there

It just doesn’t sting so bad.

I’ve learned to trust myself again,

A self-love I’ve never had. 

 

The fear still creeps up on me

every now and then,

It’s breath hot and sticky

breathing down upon my neck 

 

But instead of curling up to hide 

I look that fear right in the eye, 

And tell it to back right off

Because I get to decide.

 

What is scary, what is dangerous,

What’s worth the adventure and the risk.

That anything life throws at me 

Together my heart and mind can fix.

 

It’s a very scary war to wage,

The one inside your head.

It takes a special kind of brave to speak of your demons

To utter words that long have gone unsaid.

 

Anxiety, OCD, Depression

and so much more.

Just the tip of an iceberg of issues

That the world’s learned to ignore.

 

It’s time we change the stigma, shed a little light.

Mental illness does not make you weak.

It makes you very strong.

And it takes a very brave soul

to ask for help when things go wrong.

 

 

So, the woman who feels hopeless,

Or the man who feels so lost but is afraid to say

Are nothing short of warriors

Donning armor and walking into battle every day.

 

 

So, when you feel the weight crushing down upon your chest,

Remember both the bad and good are but fleeting states at best.

You will learn to cherish every emotion your heart has had and each lesson that life gave,

Once you take a risk to swim and learn to love to ride the wave.

5 Types of Anxiety Disorders

Chances are good that you or someone who you love has experienced some form of clinical anxiety in their lifetime. Anxiety is a completely normal and healthy feeling that all of us feel at one point or another. But having an anxiety disorder is a lot more than just feeling nervous.

I’ve decided to write about five major types of anxiety disorders. Someone with anxiety can have one, two, three or all of them at once! There are more that I will not discuss today, but that does not mean they are not out there!

Just because you have one Anxiety Disorder does not mean that you can’t have another, in fact many of these disorders kind of bleed into the next so it is not uncommon to develop more than one anxiety disorder.

Think of Anxiety Disorders as an umbrella, and all of these different disorders fall under the same umbrella.

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Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD): Generalized Anxiety is often described as being in a constant state of worry and feeling of doom or dread that something bad is going to happen. However, oftentimes (not always) people with GAD have a hard time pin pointing exactly what it is they are anxious about, it is more of a constant state of general unease.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD): Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is characterized by  repetitive, unwanted thoughts (the obsessive part) and the need to perform repeated tasks or behaviors (the compulsive part). These compulsions can oftentimes become ritualistic in nature, done to temporarily ease the symptoms of intense anxiety and bring a short period of comfort to the person. The term “OCD” get’s thrown around very casually in our current society.

People love to say “Oh my god, I organized my entire closet by color. I am SO OCD!”  or “You like to clean your house every other day? You must be OCD!”

The truth is statements like that stigmatize and romanticize OCD. A disorder that is anything but “cute” and “funny”. Only those truly fighting the heavy shackles of  Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder know how serious and horrible this disorder really can be. Anyone who truly has OCD would never make an offhanded comment or joke about it.

OCD is not organizing your pens by shade, or sweeping your house every day. OCD is having to get up ten times an hour to check that the oven is off, so that you don’t burn down your house and kill your entire family. Or the guy whose hands are red and raw because he has washed them 37 time already today, but still has to open doors with his sleeves covering his hands. OCD is being completely aware that your thoughts and actions are irrational and not actually helpful to your anxiety, but you have.to.do.it.anyways.

Panic Disorder: Panic disorder is defined as someone who has had (is having) multiple unexpected or repeating episodes of severe anxiety accompanied by; feeling of doom or dread, intense fear of dying, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, shaking, sweating, fear of “going crazy”, nausea, dizziness, numbness and a general feeling that something horrible is going to happen.

Panic attacks are very scary, anyone who has had one (and most people do, unfortunately, at some point of their lives) knows that in the moment it can feel like a near impossible task to overcome the feeling. When people who are having a panic attack say they feel like they are dying, or about to pass out it’s because they truly feel that way.

When repeated panic attacks occur panic disorder can continue to intensify to the point of Agoraphobia. Agoraphobia is defined as:

“A fear of having a panic attack in a situation where it would be challenging or embarrassing to escape. This fear often leads to persistent avoidance behaviors, in which the person begins to stay away from places and situations in which they fear panic may occur. For example, some commonly avoided circumstances include driving a car, leaving the comfort of home, shopping in a mall, traveling by airplane, or simply being in a crowded area.”

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): PTSD is an anxiety disorder that develops when someone experiences a shocking, dangerous, scary or terrifying event. Oftentimes people associate PTSD with soldiers and those who have seen combat. This is a very common and serious cause of PTSD, but not the only one.

PTSD can be caused by things like sexual assault, a car accident, witnessing or being the victim of violence or crime and more. Most people will experience trauma in their lives and recover from it in a healthy way over time. When healthy recovery does not happen PTSD can develop. PTSD is characterized by having all of the following symptoms at least once a month after your trauma:

  • Revisiting the Trauma – this could be through intrusive thoughts, flashbacks and nightmares.
  • Avoidance Behaviors – this could be avoiding the actual place of trauma, memories or talking about the trauma, or even things that remind the person of trauma.
  • Aroused Reactivity – Being easily startled or always on edge, difficulty sleeping, and irritability or angry outbursts.
  • Cognition Symptoms – Loss of interest in pleasurable activities, feelings of guilt or depression, distorted thoughts, trouble remembering details about the event or trauma (blacked out memories)

 

Social Phobia (previously known as social anxiety): Social Phobia is an intense fear and sense of self-consciousness in social settings. The intensity of social anxiety can vary from person to person. One person with Social Phobia may be fine in a social setting, as long as they don’t have to speak in front of the group. Another person diagnosed with Social Phobia may have issues even leaving their house due to the overwhelming fear of interacting with others.

The good news is that all of these anxiety disorders are treatable with the use of therapy and medication management. Many times anxiety disorders will require both to be fully and effectively treated.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is one of the most widely proven treatment options of Anxiety Disorders. When participating in CBT you work with a licensed therapist to identify, address, and change distorted and destructive thinking and behaviors. You work to improve emotional regulation and develop, with your therapist, healthy coping techniques to use throughout your life, because unfortunately you cannot cure anxiety, but you CAN learn to control it!

I hope that this information helped you better understand that when someone tells you they have an Anxiety Disorder they aren’t telling you they are simply feeling nervous or anxious. There is so much more that they are dealing with under the surface.

If you or a loved one has one of these disorders I encourage you to educate yourself (using a reputable source, of course) on the anxiety disorder further. Education is power!

Be patient and kind with one another, you never know what demons someone may be fighting.

And for the warriors currently in their own battles with an Anxiety Disorder, you are STRONG. You are NOT ALONE. And things WILL GET BETTER. Keep fighting warriors!

-A

Brave

What do you think of when you think the word ‘Brave’?

Do you think of knights or warriors or heroes in capes?

Or do you think of everyday people of all sizes and all shapes?

 

Brave is waking up each morning, willing to face the challenges of the day.

It is looking your problems in the face, but never backing down.

It is letting a smile sneak through when all your heart can do is frown.

 

Brave is walking through a valley of fear and doubt and pain.

It is silencing all of the ‘what if’s” smacking around inside your brain.

And somehow calming the restless and anxious soul and letting a racing mind unwind.

 

Brave is showing up to the doctor’s appointment

Even though you are afraid of what they might find.

It is learning to leave the demons of your past behind.

 

Brave is taking a deep breath in… and letting it out again.

Brave is admitting when you need help, that you can’t do it on your own.

It is making it through the night when it’s dark and you’re all alone.

 

Brave is smiling through the tears that are streaming down your face.

And cracking jokes in hospital rooms to ease your loved one’s fear.

Brave is accepting words of help, even when it’s not what you want to hear.

 

Brave is pulling yourself back up to standing, after you’ve taken your hundredth fall.

It is not beating yourself up for the times you showed your pain.

Brave does not mean that you are not scared, that your heart does not race,

and your hands don’t shake, they do.

 

Brave is feeling all of the fear and stepping forward anyways.

Brave is one foot in front of the other, one step at a time.

Brave is being patient for the change you need, trusting that the stars will align.

 

Brave can look at you with fear in her eyes, a quiver in her voice.

Brave can break down and be a monstrous mess

But brave knows that eventually, life will coalesce.

 

Brave is the woman at the clinic, or the man who limps slowly down the street.

Brave is the family in the waiting room, or the patient in the bed.

Brave is the battles we have won in the past, and the ones that lay ahead.

 

Brave is falling into bed after a hellish kind of day.

And telling yourself that even though it was so hard, it’s going to be ok.

Braving is reminding yourself that tomorrow is a brand new day.

 

Brave doesn’t always shock and awe.

Brave can be quite simple and quite small.

And sometimes those little tiny steps are the bravest of them all.

-A

It’s OK not to be OK

This is not the easiest post for me to write. It is hard to admit that we are not perfect. It is not easy to discuss our failures and it is so hard to admit that we have thrown in the towel.

Last weekend I left for my first vacation (or even stay away from my home!) since my diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis (MS) last November. I was extremely anxious about it going in. I was worried about a whole multitude of things. But the biggest and nastiest fear, lurking under the floorboards of my heart, was that I wouldn’t be able to do it. That I would get sick and need to go home, or be too anxious and need to go home, or never even leave the house to begin with!

I went in with a plan. I made lists, did research, and checked and double checked everything. I set myself up for success.

Things went well the first couple of days. The best parts of it were being able to spend time with my family and just laugh, be ourselves, and forget about our everyday worries for a little while. I have an amazing family. They make me laugh like no one else can, comfort me in a way that only years of strong bonds can teach, and they understand me better than anyone on this planet.

Don’t get me wrong, I was anxious those first few days. But it was like the pot was boiling with only half empty water. I wasn’t worried about it boiling over. Things were controlled. Looking back, I was needing to take my Xanax much more often than I normally would, but that is ok! It is what it is there for.

But then on my third night of vacationing I fell apart.

I think I was starting to feel the physical toll of being out in the sun, swimming, cliff jumping etc. It scares me – not cliff jumping, MS – Even though I feel it almost every day, every time my right leg goes numb and tingly it scares me. I tried to remind myself that I have felt that feeling before, it just means I need to rest and I will bounce back in a day or two.

I think I was also having a really hard time being away from the comfort of my routine and familiarity of being at home. I was letting it get to me that my meds weren’t in the same place they always are when I need them, that the bed made my back hurt and crunched like diaper every-time my husband rolled over next to me, that I didn’t have my dog to snuggle and pet when I started to feel the anxiety simmering closer and closer to the surface of the pot.

I don’t know what caused me to boil over. I was fine one moment and in the throes of a full-blown panic attack the next. All I could keep thinking was that I NEEDED to get off this island and go home. My husband tried to calm me down. I took my meds. We went back to our lodgings and laid down and tried to ride out this attack. But I just couldn’t shake it.

We ended up leaving the trip early due to my anxiety. I felt like a failure. I felt like I was giving up on something that I had JUST been so proud of, my courage. I felt weak. It was not a good feeling. I think I cried the whole ferry back to the mainland.

I let myself feel sad for the rest of the night. I allowed myself to feel guilty for leaving the wonderful trip my mom and dad had planned for us. I allowed myself to feel anxious and terrible, but just for a little bit.

I knew I had made my choice, and although I might be a mess right now, that is OK.

It is OK not to be OK. It is ok to admit that you have given it your best shot and you need to go home and rest now. It is ok to say I can only push myself so far. It’s ok to admit that I might not be quite as strong yet as I though I was.

I did a lot of self reflecting on the drive back home. I think it is important for me not to feel ashamed for not being able to stay the whole trip (something I really wanted to do not just for the fun and sun, but to prove something to myself as well). I think it is important for me to recognize that I did my best and that I will continue to work on it. That does not mean I am not strong.

I will continue to work on techniques to manage my anxiety. I will continue to meditate and live in the present. I will continue to be grateful for the little things throughout my day.

And some day, when I am ready, I will try again!

-A

MRI aka: Menacing, roaring, instrument!

So, today was my second MRI in the last six months. I will be honest I was really anxious about this one. Since my diagnosis in November I have started experiencing some new symptoms as well as a few persistent old ones sticking around. My MS Specialist and I decided it would be worth getting some updated scans done so we can make some decisions about starting a medication.

Apparently, back in November I just got a brain and upper spinal MRI (honestly the twenty four hours before/after the diagnosis are a bit of a blur from the emotion of it all) but this time my neurologist wanted to add the full spine as well as the full brain. The nurses warned me that it would be a lot longer than my first MRI and last a little over two hours. I am pretty claustrophobic and really struggle with panic attacks so I went in prepared.

I wore my most comfy sports bra with no metal in it (thank you Victorias Secret!), yoga pants, and a tank top. I meditated as soon as I woke up in the morning (at 5am because my nerves were already in full swing and anxiety LOVES company) and my MRI wasn’t until noon. It helped a bit and I ended up being able to fall back asleep for a little bit. I ended up having horrible nightmares. That is something I want to go into in another post. I have always had extremely vivid dreams and recently have been suffering from some pretty intense nightmares 😦

So after I woke up I did a little light cleaning and got my “happy place” set up for me to come back to after the MRI. This includes:

My lavender scented, weighted blanket (seriously, this thing is like a magic blanket)

A full bottle of water

Harry Potter Hogwarts Mystery all cued up on my ipad

My Himalayan Salt Rock Lamp for a warm healing glow in the room

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My favorite pillow, recliner, and some more blankets. I’m kind of a blanket freak…

I was set for the post MRI de-stress so I did another 35 minute meditation to center myself and check in with all the areas of my body I was feeling stress. I use an app called Insight Timer that has thousands of guided meditations for all sorts of situations so I was able to find something that helps to calm yourself while still staying alert and not falling asleep! I really think that helped me for my pre-MRI jitters.

Funny side note: On the drive to the hospital my husband and I passed a middle school and saw bunch of kids doing the “1 mile run” around a field. Remember those things?!? I was HORRIBLE at them…like seriously dreaded them. I turned to my husband and said “That looks so terrible. Honestly I would rather be doing what I am about to do that run a mile right now” You fellow fatigue-ers (that’s not a word, now it is) know what I am talking about!

The MRI started out really well! I took my sedatives prescribed by my doctor, had on a Taylor Swift Pandora station and did a bit of meditation as soon as I got in the machine to calm my nerves and stomach. I felt really relaxed and one of my MS power songs “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten came on so I was really feeling like a badass woman at that point.

But about an hour and fifteen minutes I think the sedatives started to wear off and anxiety started to rear her ugly head again. My head was killing me and I started having a panic attack about the time they gave me the contrast. I knew I was about 3/4 of the way done and REALLY just wanted to get it over with. So I laid there and I cried and tried my hardest not to move. I just didn’t want to hit my panic button and have to start the scan over. I tried to just focus on my breathing and kept reminding myself that this would be over soon…and it was.

When the nurse pulled me out and saw I was crying he was shocked and said that for someone who really didn’t want to be inside that machine I did really well and didn’t move at all. So at least that is something to be proud of. I powered through and even though I was scared I proved to myself that I CAN do it. It might take some tears and a weak moment or two but I WILL get through this.

I wish anyone who is dealing with medical procedures today peace, good vibes and relaxation.

We are all in this together and we have a support system in each other.